William Gilk - aka - 'The cowboy'

As life would have it, you will never know what tomorrow brings. 

You will never really grasp what life means until you lose it or lose someone you love. 

Today, I was surrounded by a room full of moaners as they said good-bye to William Gilk aka Bill. 

A husband, father, brother, son, and the list could go on. 

Along with the list of titles, Bill had a heart to serve people around him. 

As his 57 years of life, passed by our eyes in a 5 minute slideshow, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. 

Now I've been blessed to watch this dedicated father eat lunch with his son almost everyday at the center. The routine was so normal that I personally didn't take the time to realize how much this man was doing for our members. I just become numb to what technically was an amazing display dedication and love. 

As I left the funeral today, a little shaken by the coffin and the message. 

I took a moment to thank God for all my blessings. 

The little ones that I seem to overlook because they've become 'normal' everyday life. 

If I took anything away from Bill's funeral, it was the idea to treasure every single thing in my life. 

Those little kisses I get from my daughter before heading up the Trinity stairs for school. 

Chet's little ways of saying I love you, like scraping my car windows in the morning. 

Mostly, I need to remember God's blessings everyday and look for them. 

God tells us every day he loves us and sometimes those little blessings can be as small as the door being open by a stranger or a nice word from a co-worker. 

Thank you Bill for you testimony to dedication to being a father and caring individual. 

You will be missed. 

Ready, Set, Heart?!?!?!?

In the last few months, I've learned so much about myself.
I've come to learn that I like quite.
I like to hear myself think and breathe.
I could possibly kill someone for the last spoonful of ice cream, if I've had a bad day.
I've come to learn the amazing skill of tactfulness; however, it's really more like the gift of "inner voice". I just don't say everything that comes to my mind out loud anymore. Amazing, Yes... I know ;-)
I've become good friends with a nun and can say I know two 102 year old's.
I now understand the appreciation of selective hearing, as I've learned to listen to the positive of others and null the sounds of negativity toward the things I can't change.
However, the biggest thing I've learned in the last few months, is that my child's smile can silence all the craziness in my life.
I find recently, that my view on life has changed as my idea of living just one more day is quite possibly a blessing. About two months ago, I found myself dead on a stretcher, having a doctor restart my heart to convert my A-Fib. Sweet... 30 something with heart issues and monitors.
Now for some - this might be where I lost you because you're worried. Then there are a select few that might wish this was actually my obit instead of a blog entry; however, thank goodness for modern medicine... I'm still kicking and thanking God every day for my next day.  On the flip side of it, my great amazing heart got up to 175 beats a minute and rising sometimes over 200, for a good three hours before the doctors got it under control. This is quite possibly the first and only time I will ever get my heart rate to that amazing rate, so being a positive thinker - I ask you... shouldn't I have left that ER a little skinnier?

Now that I've gotten all that off my chest (Wink Wink), I still have to question my happiness and life.
I've always grown up thinking, if it's God's plan; He will make "IT" happen.
Now most Christians have this view, Hallmark makes a killing on this philosophy and hell, I think that Karma wrote a book on this ;-)

So thinking about my life right now, I wonder... What in the world?
My parents just recently moved out of state.
My job is moderately okay, depending on the day and mood of the environment.
My current living quarters look like a bomb went off and the idea of "home" is really just a word in a sign I bought.
The relationship is rocky due to combining households and my friendships keep evaporating into thin air.
My brothers have all left Spokane and to be truthful with myself, the only thing keeping me here in Spokane is Chester and the kids.

At this point, I really feel like a country song gone wrong.
What is God's Plan in my life?

What does one do? When it feels like there are more doors closing, then there are doors opening?
Lost and confused, but trusting God has a plan. Just wish He would share it sometimes.

What is Compassion?

It's about 11pm at night, I'm driving my dad home from the casino. If this doesn't scream father/daughter moment, I'm not sure what does.

My dad is possibly one of the most unique people I know. Doesn't matter what is going on in the world, I don't think my dad would care unless it was some event that effected one of us in the family. Some may call my dad an asshole because of his harsh demeanor but I would call him, Dad. He's technically my step-dad but technicalities aside, he's the greatest dad alive. Robby and me both got treated our whole life as though he was our biological father. People are typically surprised when they find out that Robby and me aren't Rick's full-blooded kids. My dad had so much love for me and my brothers that I would say he was a greatest example of compassion.

Well, back to our perfect father/daughter moment... we are on the way home, when we pass a billboard about giving to your fellow men. This billboard is lit up like a forth of July parade. There was no way of not noticing it. My dad makes mention to the brightness of the sign. I, of course, go all analytical when I see the sign and ask my dad about compassion. What did he think compassion was? Did he think it was something that every man had or was it more of a degree of putting up with people's shit? My dad laughed at me because only I would want to have a conversation of such depth this late at night and with him being a little tipsy. ;-)

Then my dad gave me an answer that was a little perplexing and confusing. He told me it was more of people's way of handling things that surprise their idea of normalities of poverty and distress. He then went into telling me a story that he heard just last year that still tugged at his heart strings.

Last year, a family of four were hit by a Genie that fell off the bed of an 18 wheeler because a driver wasn't safe with making sure his load was secure. The father in the car, was thrown out and his legs were crushed. This made it impossible for him to do anything for his family that was burning to death in their smashed up car.

As my dad tells me this story, my eyes fill up with tears. I try not to put myself in this man's shoes but I can't. I don't know how I would be able to deal with such loss but then my dad stops my tears with reality. This happens everywhere in the world. Maybe not with a Genie but people are killed daily from other people's hatred, laziness and/or bad judgement. My dad asks me why I feel the need to cry over this man's loss, when in fact this man's loss is the fact of life. At first, I'm a little shocked at my dad's harsh words but the more I think about them, I start to understand what my dad is saying about my compassion.

Compassion, depending on how you look at it.. biblically, webster dictionary-ly (realize that's not a word, but this is my blog ;-) and/or common sense-ly.... it's the idea of showing love through empathy and sympathetic ways toward another's hardship in life. My dad was telling me that even though I might consider myself a very compassionate person, he was challenging my true essence of where my compassion came from. Was I really feeling empathy for this man because I heard story for the first time? Would my empathy for this man change, if I heard this story all the time? What if his story was never told to me, would I still have compassion for him? Yes, I realize that I'm going a little deep with this but the question is this... the compassion we all have, is it true compassion like Jesus Christ had for us all when he died on the cross? Can a human being actually possess that true idea of compassion or is that why Jesus' story is something that we all celebrate because it was unman-like?

Are you a French Fry or a Diamond?

Way FM is one of my favorite radio stations. It's a station that plays alternative christian music. Now it's not for everyone and I realize this but the DJ Wally, has to be for everyone. The man is funny. Today while I'm listening and jammin' out to some 'I love Jesus' song, this commercial comes on that is suppose to make you think about your life and help you become a better person. Typically I find the little commercials really good and thought provoking; however, today's really missed the boat. I actually wanted to call Wally and ask him what were they thinking.

The commercial asked girls if they were a french fry or a diamond. That your true love wants a diamond and no french fry. Well, great... except that our society proves that McDonald's is making a killing on their fries and jewelry stores are closing down faster than we can comprehend. Another thing that got me laughing about this commercial was the whole idea of trying to compare 'slutty' actions to a french fry. Who does that? Where in this crazy world of comparing everything to each other and one another, did french fries become the slutty food for society? Why didn't they use dipped Strawberries or chocolate covered cherries, those seem a little more provocative to me? But hey, maybe I'm just mad because deep down I might have a little French Fry, myself. ;-)

Freaky Friday... Wait It's Only Tuesday?!?!?!

What a day. It's 430 in the morning and I'm up thinking about yesterday's freaky events. The events that have so many different emotions attach to them. Events that will change my future and have some effect on my life dramatically, which is crazy because it's only Tuesday. The third day in the week.

Let's start from the beginning.

I start the day with a meeting. It's funny that once you're in a position to change or make change with a little power, you always seem to use your 8 hours at work in meetings. Meetings that are 'training' you to be a better leader, which I find funny because how can you lead from inside an office learning how to lead. That to me seems like a crazy oxymoron philosophy.

After the meeting, I get told by my dear boss that I have to work a weekend day. It's up to me what works for my schedule but I have to give up one of my weekends till everything in the kitchen is up to par and I have enough good 'natural leaders' around me that the kitchen can run without me. Well, that's sucks. I had to debate the odds of giving up my Saturdays instead of my Sundays and after about 45 minutes, Sundays got the boot. I will now be working from Sunday till Thursday. Awesome (are you hearing the excitement?).

Well, this new schedule brought into light another issue. Softball. My new exercise program that had some influence on why I'm with the most amazing man ever. So deep down I believe I owe the sport some respect, right?!!?!?!? Plus the team needed girls; however, my sanity needed some stuff off my over filled plate of life. Softball got the boot but it was easy because for some reason my team had already replaced me. Slap in the face but hey, I guess when you bring a team together, get the sponsorship and have life happen (i.e. Mylah breaking her arms, work schedule and stress) ... the life happen part is the only thing people really seem to pay attention too without empathy or compassion. Sweet!!!!!

You would think this would be enough for one day of stress but it's not... not with dear Christina in charge of her day. The softball issue brought light to a icky situation from this weekend and possibly the destruction of a long friendship between me and a dear friend. It seems that with a little bit of the diarrhea of the mouth, I may have said something a little bit tactless and hurtful. I know this comes with no surprise to most anyone that knows me really; however, when I tried to fix this Saturday situation, it became apparent that my Saturday event may have been the event that broke the camel's back. I was informed in a very lengthy and matter-of-fact text about how horrible of a friend I truly was and needed to come to terms with those realities. That I think really hurt because no matter how I try to understand everything from the text that was trying to be hurtful towards me, showed emotions of the hurt I caused them ignorantly. It sucks that it may cause a huge change in my life and my daughter's. The worst part, that situation is out of my hands. I did everything to try to fix it, now I get to wait and see. Have I ever told you how much I hate waiting?

Well, it's only noon now and I have now been kicked off the softball team and in a way that it's suppose to look like it was my idea, destroyed a friendship and changed my schedule at work for the fourth time since I started my new job a week ago. ARGH. I get home to unwind and to tell you the truth, if drinking before noon was totally cool and we were in Germany, I would of had a shot or two but since drinking before 3pm makes you a lush... I found another way to unwind.

A bird.

A medium size, blackish-brown spotted funky looking bird with a beak that looked like it could do some damage, was in my bedroom. It had somehow gone through my screen window and made himself at home, all over my curtains. I had so much doo-doo all over my curtains, you would have thought this bird was Picasso and his ass was the paint brush. A little freaked and worried for my life but mostly worried that my curtains were running out of 'canvas' space and my bed would be the bird's next target for an art display. I took my bird catching skills in to action. Now my bird catching skills were more of me ducking close to the ground and protecting my face from this bird, which if you think about really isn't smart. Let me explain why, when you're walking into a room while covering your face and eyes, the only thing you have to go off is your sense of hearing. Well........ when you have a freaked out bird... the bird is moving around your bedroom like it's on crack and this in turn just freaks me out even more; however, the second I saw that bird land my precious bed. I went into SuperWoman stance and needed to protect my 500 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets. The bird must of noticed a change in my demeanor because at this point, the stupid thing kept running into my upper window with full force. Even though the bottom of the windows were fully open.

I had a stupid bird on my hands!

I had to fake the bird out, which meant putting towels up to hide the upper parts of the window without the 'special' bird running into me full force. It was quite the event and honestly speaking, had someone video tapped it... I would have become a Youtube hit over night. After about 15 minutes of craziness and my mother in tears laughing, I got the bird out of my room and the stripping of bedroom began.

Now almost running late for Mylah's 1:15pm appointment to assess the 'TWO' broken arms, I panic and race out the door. Mylah's still laughing about the bird situation and bringing into light the comedy about the whole event. She told me I looked funny 'fighting' the bird. When we got to the appointment with a minute to spare, the doctor walked in with this 'You suck as a mother' face. Dr. Asshole, looked at me after the fourth time of Mylah and me telling him the story behind both incidents and informed me that he was calling CPS on me. Let's just say at this point, had my daughter not been 2 feet away from me, watching my every move... I think I would of mauled and skinned the guy right there. I was pissed, then scared, then back pissed again, which then became another 'Diarrhea of the Mouth' moment with Gerald's answering machine. The best part of the whole meeting with Dr. Asshole was him telling me that Mylah's arm wasn't really broken but there was some trauma to the elbow because there was fluid build up. Thanks Captain Obvious. It's great when you get a doctor that assumes you beat your child, even though the child shows no other signs of beating except a huge smile of happiness and a love for life but whatever!!!! I finally calmed myself down with the little help of a 'pick me up' talk with Chet to comprehend that "YES! I am a good mother" and this doctor just has to take precautions for the child's safety. The next child with two broken arms could be a child being abused.

So Tuesday... what a day... Mylah fell another two times that day and dumped a whole glass of pink lemonade down her arms. Just normal natural kids things because she still wants to skip, jump and run. Trying to convience Mylah that she has too be careful is like trying to seperate flies from shit. I swear, I'm going to need to bubble wrap that child to keep her safe. To make all the event a sealed package of a crazy-freaky-terribly-bad-day... I had to stalk and kill a spider. Seriously... I'm going to Staples today for that easy button they are suppose to have. All in All though, I'm excited to see what today has because like God tells us in the bible a million times... "It's a new day with a fresh start for Him to bless me!" So Dear God... Could you hold the Bull Shit today? Just asking. ;-)

True Leadership Lesson is Leadership

Here I am. A Whitworth graduate with all the answers and willingness to jump into any leadership role that is offered to me after school; however, a week into my new director job and I've come to realize that everything I learned in class was just the frosting on the cake of leadership. My education gave me the ability to tell you the differences between why two generations can't communicate, explain why management thinks a certain way and possibly discuss almost everything on a financial report, with the greatest of ease; however, I think that it really missed the human part of leadership. The idea that every employee has their own way of thinking and their own idea of what they think a leader can and can't do. This week has been my time to not only address my title role but to also express a need for change in an environment that hasn't had leadership for the last year. It's been interesting to say the least.

The challenges that come with being a leader go beyond your title. I've been reading a lot of leadership books to prepare for this position. I've recruited many different leaders for mentors to help guide me in this new chapter of my life. I've interviewed most of the employees and have listened to everyone’s feed-back to determine what needs to change and what needs to not be touched. I've found that no matter how prepared you are for any job, the human aspect is one that can't be addressed till you’re in the position and dealing with it firsthand. I have to say though; I have an amazing team that will not only blow the standards out of the water but are also willing to help and wanting me to lead them.

On my third day, I had an employee tell me that they were happy I was there. Everyone thinks that I will do well; however, I'm nervous because I now realize that I have so many people's trust in leading them into a successful future with this company. I now have these expectations of helping this team become an amazing group of productive individuals. I think it's scary to realize how much influence one can have when someone gives you a title of leadership. I don't want to take this title to heart because it's only a title. I want to lead these people and earn not only the title, but their respect in leading them. I think Jesus' reflection of being a 'gentleman leader' is the one that I want to take. I don't want to force anyone to follow me but pray that with guidance, a prayerful heart and a whole lot of patience, God will make me the leader that these people need me to be for them. When God does that, I won't need to force anyone because they will want to follow and be lead.

'Mommy, Why aren't you Scared?"

Fear, according to Wikipedia is nothing more than an idea of a perceived threat to ones' self. Fear is the body's way of alarming you of danger and to put you to alert stats mood.

Now most people's idea of what fear is could be different. I'm totally not okay with scary movies. I have yet seen a Jason, Jaws or Halloween movie. I get scared too much, that the last movie I saw with Jenn, Jane Austen's 'Jane Eyre'; I spent most of the time watching the inside of my eyeballs because the movie scared the crap out of me. The music, the dark colors and the character's just gave me the willies. Jenn, on the other hand being a totally lovely best friend/ sister, found my fear comical and maybe a little ridicules. Jenn still teases me about it.

Tonight though, Mylah had fear with the thunder storm. She cried, wouldn't leave my side and needed to be cuddled after every loud and fearful, thunderous sound. Being a mother of many talents, I have to say cuddling with my princess is my best one and I love it; however, when she's scared and crying. The cuddling doesn't really have the same effect of just loving my princess, it's more of a 'Poor Baby / Damn this thunder!' kind of cuddling job. Well, while I was comforting Mylah, she asks me, 'Mommy, why aren't you scared of things?'

At first I wanted to laugh but seeing that my daughter right now saw me as some Super Hero that could kick thunder's ass, I didn't want to enlighten her about how wrong she was. So instead here I am writing a blog about it.

Things that scare the shit out of me -

1) Spiders... don't really need to go into a huge spill about this because who isn't and if you say your not, you're lying to yourself!

2) The idea of not being the greatest mother ever to my duaghter. I don't want my princess to grow up wishing I spent more time with her or if the Good Lord has it, takes me too early to see her grow... I don't want to waste any time I have on stuff that can be done tomorrow like laundry, homework and needing to vaccuum for the 15th time. Personally, I think playing Barbies is way better too.

3) Getting into an accident in 'bad underware'. Now I think this is a fear that my mother instilled in me from a young girl. My mom always told me that when you don't prepare, that's when bad things happen. I.E. Having only those holey, electric-green granny panties, that you only bring out when you run out of panties because the washer broke, for when you get rushed into the hospital with SINGLE - Dr. McDreamy as your doc.

4) Wasting time. Now most of my friends will tell you that I'm probably the only person you can count on to be late to anything. I will most defiantly be late to my own wedding and possibly my own funeral; however, with that being said, the reason why I am always late is because I don't want to waste any time. This means that I will count down the minutes I have to get ready and start to debate the cute level needed for the event that I am attending. In doing this, I free up more time to do other things around my house or with Mylah. This in turn makes me late to everything because I never really follow through on the list of things I debated away already.

5) Leaving this world without making a difference. I volunteer for a lot of things. Sometimes I volunteer a little too much because I get a little confused on where I should be and who needs me most; however, the thing that makes those moments worth the headache is hearing my 5 year old ask about her next time helping with feeding the poor or packing toys for kids. Personally, when I'm in front of the 'Big Guy' and He's looking at my nice size rap sheet of shit I've done, I hope the good out weighs the bad. (SIDE NOTE - Yes, I do realize that you don't get into Heaven by good works but it's couldn't hurt trying ;-) Plus I think that we are all somehow connected to each other and need one another, so I want to help and show mercy and love to as many people as I can.

Now this list could go on and on, but I won't. I have fears and even though my little princess may think I'm this amazing Butt-Kicking Super Hero with amazing PB & J sandwich making skills, I still know that deep down... my biggest fear would be taking that idea away from her and letting her see me for nothing more than just the most luckest mother alive to have God bless me as her mother. I love that girl!!!!!

Mama's Hard Moments

"You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings." Pearl S. Buck

Yesterday I encountered an incident with Mylah that just pulled at every heart string I have in my body. My little girl lied to me. I know this is normal behavior for children to tell some fibs - white lies. Hey, I was an amazing story teller growing up and my daughter has my imagination to tell 'interesting stories' but I typically call her on them and try to get her to distinguish between reality and her 'story telling'; however, yesterday Mylah didn't tell a tall tell.

She plain out lied. Straight faced and didn't flinch about it at all. I was perplexed and to be totally honest, I found it really hard to comprehend. My daughter, who has the ability to speak truth in some of the most awkward moments, looked me straight in the face and lied. It broke my heart and I didn't know what to do to punish her. I wanted to cry. She instantly knew that it was wrong and I did share with her my feelings about how bad it hurt to have her lie to me. I could tell that hurt her too, which wasn't what I wanted to do. I hate seeing my little princess cry. I hate having to punish her but I know that it's part of being a parent.

The parenting part that really sucks is knowing that if I don't punish her, she won't learn from this moment. So if I don't punish Mylah and let this one time go by like it was nothing. She will in turn think that lying is okay, which then means other things could be considered norms when in fact, they are not. Yesterday when I had her lick the bar of soap, and watched her face turn into a crazy array of different 'icky faces'. I couldn't help but wonder, was this enough. Did she learn or will I have to do this again? Sometimes I wish that God handed you a manual with each child.

Code of Conduct

Today I experienced the lovely and sometimes dreaded, yearly female exam. Now most women go through different levels of preparing for these exams. They talk themselves into it, prepare the area and decide what the best clothing choice would be exam approved. I for one, don't take my prep work lightly and typically this is an ordeal for me, which in turn means I hate it. Mostly I hate it because no one really likes to have another person in their junk that hasn't gone through the stages of courting; flowers, name exchange, drinks and depending on the issues, more drinks. You get the picture, Right?

Well, today's exam didn't exactly go the way I thought that it would. As my Nurse PA is down in the "exam position" and I'm in the "Hello, World" position, she starts to have a conversation with me about my last year's activity and concerns I could have with my "precious". A little taken back at the idea that "we" (really meaning HER) are really trying to "small talk" while I'm in a little vunerable position. She continues to small talk and a couple of informational tid-bits were exchanged. Then she stops in mid-exam with me still in the stir-ups and tells me, "Did you know you have a sensitive virgina?"

***Pause to reflect***

What? A sensitive virgina?

Now maybe I was being a little sensitive but I truly think there was maybe a more "comfortable" way of saying that and two, what the hell is a sensitive virgina? Can anyone tell me?

Then my "funny side" took over and I couldn't help but think about my experiences with "sensitive people" and laugh out loud because typically those types need cheerleaders in their life to do anything. So instantly I think, I will now have to pep-talk my "precious" into doing anything. I share my thoughts with my Nurse PA, she didn't find my views too amusing.

Really? I thought it was funny.

Yes, I'm Single!

"Why are YOU single?"

The question that seems to be surrounding my life lately more than, "How are you doing?"

A couple of days ago, Jenn informed me that her recent adventure named "Tristen aka Trent" asked why I was still single because I was smart, pretty and fun. It was hard to really come up with an answer because honestly I don't really know why myself. Actually to be totally truthful, I don't ever even think about it unless I watch some mushy chick-flick movie or see some romantic gesture between two people. Only in those moments do I feel as though I'm missing out on something spectacular; however, as I leave my home completely content with the idea that I have no plans or limitations holding me from going and doing what ever I want. I remember real quick that my life is an amazing adventure of exciting moments, I've made for myself with Mylah and the family/friends I have in my life. So I feel as though I concured this judgemental idea of a woman needing a man. Yay, Me!

Then today as I'm in Fred Meyers shopping for the second love of my life, shoes. The sales clerk assumes that I was trying on these amazing "fuck-me" pumps for a date. I laughed with this joyous freedom laugh, and informed her that her assumptions were way off. I was getting amazing "fuck-me" pumps for myself. Her face was priceless but that motherly "disappointing" look was a knife to my soul. Here she was looking at me and my daughter as though we were some refugees she needed to save. I instantly went from standing nearly 6 feet 2 inches in these heels, to feeling like I was only 2 feet tall.

As I left the store with my daughter totally unware of judgemental situation that had just unfolded in the store. I took Mylah by her hand and tried my hardest not to cry. For a quick second, I almost let this judgemental person distroy my spirit about myself. I questioned the life I was giving my daughter without a father figure in our home. I questioned my own selfishness of having her out of wed-lock. I questioned how good of a mother I was without a man?

However, the more I held my little girl's hand and she skipped next to me with the joy for life. God was real quick to remind me that it was His judgement I should care about. The most amazing moment was when I buckled Mylah into her careseat and she told me, "Mom your the bestest mother I ever had!"

Sometimes I think people need to realize how much their looks, words, and sometimes ignorant judgements can effect the people around them.

The best thing about today....

1) My daughter reminded me every moment today why I am a mother.

2) I'm single because that's what I want. I want to be mom who will soon be entering Gonzaga for her MBA and I did it without a boyfriend. So I must be doing something right!

I'm 15 minutes into my 60 minutes Elliptical workout at the gym. I've got my settings set for a 13 restraint level and about a 10 degree incline. So according to my sweat factor, I should be lossing at least 300 calories, if not more; however, when I looked at the lovely electronic panel that just barely hit 100 calories (loss). I freak out inside.

What?!?!?

This can not be right, the machine has to be busted; however, when I look at my neighbor's for a more accurate level of measurement. Her monitor averaged out to about 13 calories per minute, which was the same as mine. For every minute I spent on this Elliptical Pro-Form, I only lost 13 calories?!?!?!?!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?

You realize that in ten minutes, I can consume a juicy Whopper w/cheese, fires and a milk shake. That's close to 1300 calories in ten minutes. Revalation!!!! My math teachers were all wrong! Not every equation equals out. (A) does not equal (B) when it comes to the weight/calorie battle.

This to my surprise makes me wonder, how does one conpensate for the calories taken, if lossing them would be like trying to pick the winning numbers for the lotto? It feels completely impossible to win that battle against the bulge. Now this could also be the point where I decide two things, (1) that calories are from the devil and eating is more of a sport of dodgeballing calories to my Booty or (2) Realize that eating isn't bad, but eating a Whopper with all the fixings, is really not my friend.

On the same hand, I'm not a rabbit. So green salads and veggie only diets won't work for me either. I need to find a happy median between the evil calories and the ones that are willing to leave my Booty during a thirty minute workout. However, no matter what... I will never give up those amazing calories a good glass of wine and beer can bring to my ass because that my friend is a crime against my quality of life.

My daughter's Scary 4th

Like most people, when the fourth arrives we all typically find ourselves at a camp fire or with family and friend's enjoying some holiday firework show. Fireworks in my life, have always been a scary thing due to my mother's amazing way to bring the fear of God upon us if we ever played with fireworks; however, with that fear came lack of knowledge about fireworks. I knew they could be very bad, if not properly supervised or done by trained individuals. I knew they could and are very dangerous to kids but I never really grasped the true nature of a firework, till I heard my little 4 year old daughter share the story that will forever change the life of a little boy, his family and friends and let's face it... my daughter's life!

It all started on Saturday, July 3rd. Mylah and me had found ourselves around amazing people watching a UFC fight on paper view. Well, I found myself watching a UFC fight through the fingers on my hand and Mylah found herself playing with a Leapfrog and another little girl, totally oblivious to the UFC fights all together. After the fights, the party moved to the front where we all did a few "pre-fourth of the July" practice run with some fireworks. Being a little scared myself, I stayed pretty far away from the center of the fun, which turned out to be good because we had a firework explode not even 5 feet off the ground and into the watching crow. A little scary, an enough scare to put Mylah at bay about Fireworks. Turns out after some nice 20/20 hindsight, I'm glad that "dud" happened to scare Mylah enough to really grasp the dangers of fireworks. That moment I think changed how the rest of my daughter's story will end.

On the fourth of July, Mylah and me were on the beach of a friend's mother's house, watching an amazing show of fireworks. They were going off everywhere. It didn't really matter where we looked, you saw amazing bright colors and loud booms. It was spectacular and no words of mine would ever do the justice in just how amazing the show was. All I can say was it was beautiful and one amazing way to celebrate the fourth!

Now the 5th, became the day of reality check! The day which I think will never be forgotten in my mind. The day in which an 11 year old, found his hand totally reconstructed by someone's lack of responsibility when it comes to cleaning up your dud fireworks. My daughter and three other kids, ranging from the nice age of 4 up till 11, went out on the beach to do some clam and shell digging. However during their nice search, Mylah came across some unused fireworks and lighters. The kids being kids, started to play but Mylah still being spooked from the night before wanted nothing to do with the fireworks and wanted to come back to shore. The other little youngster there offered to walk Mylah back to shore. Maybe 10 minutes after getting to the shore, there was a loud and horrible boom. It was louder than any fireworks I had heard the night before and the sound that followed was not of a child enjoying the firework show.

The Cry was heard from miles. It was a terrified little boy, who couldn't see anything due to the impact of the "donkey ball" going off about a foot from his face. It was a cry of a young boy, screaming for his dad. It was fear and the cry that every parent hopes they never hear their child scream. The cry after the young boy's cry for his dad, was one from his father desperately screaming for help and 911. The screams that came after that scream were from all the people in shock, worry, love, and mostly screams of total guilt. There wasn't a single parent at this camp ground that didn't ask the question, "What could I have done differently?" It was the most surreal thing but also the most amazing because with this 20/20 hindsight that we all have after the 5 hour surgery to reconstruct his hand back and the countless prayers, tears and all the questions. We all have the reality that this could of been worse.

The more I come to understand what a "donkey ball" really is, I have to thank the Good Lord we still have that little boy? I have to wonder what really enticed Mylah and the other youngster to come back to the shore? From a little ball maybe 1.5 inches in diameter, a party of about 35 people's fourth of July became something out of a Stephen King Novel. This fourth was one that changed the lives of many. I just hope that my daughter who sings more than most, loves unconditionally and smiles like no other... will one day tell me her side because tonight all that she could say outside of the facts was, "Mommy, I don't want to talk about it because I could of been hurt!"

For all my church family and anyone that has a praying bone in their body, these people need prayer. I'm not sharing the names because honestly, God knows the names because like it reads in the bible, I know every hair on your body because I made you (Proverbs 31). So just pray and God will get the memo. Thanks.

My daughter

Oh KENYA... Oh how we love thy!

What do you think the average person could do in three weeks? Clean their garage? Read two to three books? How about travel the world and hand deliver glasses to people with visual impairments? Brenda Claypool, a radiology tech here at Valley and her family did that exact thing. In the last week of November till December 14th 2009, Brenda found herself in Paris, Kenya, Rome and somehow also found time to do a Safari. The trip was part of a Christian convention held in Nairobi, which brought many different cultures together from all parts of the world. Imagine walking into a room filled with 37,000 people representing 35 different countries, all dressed and representing their communities. Brenda’s husband Jim and another man along with their families, from Spokane, were chosen to take part in this amazing opportunity.

Having typical female DNA, I instantly start to wonder “How do you pack for such a trip?” Think about it, you’re leaving Spokane in the middle of winter and going to a place that is depicted in every Hollywood movie as a “hot spot”. Me personally, I would need at least four, maybe even five suitcases. Brenda on the other hand, brought only 3 suitcases total for her and her family. Then one of those suitcases was filled with 160 glasses. Why glasses you might be asking? Well before the leaving for Kenya, Brenda went looking for a “need” that she could fill during her trip. After doing a lot of research and talking to a Jehovah witness missionary, Brenda learned that the average worker in Kenya makes only $3 a day. A pair of cheaply made glasses cost $10. This became the “need” Brenda wanted to fill.

Brenda recruited the help from hospital employees asking for donations of used eyewear and reading glasses people had lying around their homes. Then she also got a donation from the Union Gospel Mission and finally retained the rest of the glasses from fellow Jehovah witnesses. The thing that should be learned throughout this whole story is the idea that everyone has a choice, nay a responsibility to help their fellow neighbors. Valley Hospital employees came along side Brenda and helped fulfill this need in Kenya

Miracles... Real or Just an Emotional HIGH?

"Do Miracles Happen or are they just something that happened in the Bible years ago? Doesn't the Bible also say that "God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow? How does this compute?"

As the room sat quiet really trying to comprehend the question, Lisa chimes in with the suggestion that it was a "rhetorical" question, feedback was needed. Then the room became a game of "Mad Lib". Most everyone in the room, determined that miracles were still real and still happening but the census was that we're just too busy to care or notice.

Are we too busy to notice miracles?

Yeah, NO! I think the average person would notice if someone blind started to see again. I also think that if a man really did feed a whole 5000 people with just two loaves of bread and some fish. I also think this would noticed. I also think that if a huge ark showed up in yard over night, I don't know and I could be wrong, but I think you'd notice. So... my question is, "Do miracles really happen anymore?" Who knows.

I do think our definition of miracle is skewed if anything.

Miracle according to the "christian" sense means an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention, ~AKA~ God's hand in someone's life that goes against science and natural law.

However, when I think of the idea of miracle and with this new definition means, I am guilty of using the "miracle" in the wrong sense. Just last week before my Employment Law Final, I remember thinking it would be a miracle, if I could just pass the test with a grade higher than a "B". This would "wow" me but getting an "B" would not be God's hand changing the natural order of the world. Even though that would be nice (hint hint BIG GUY! :) It's still no miracle.

Then when I hear the "New BABY is born" chime go over the intercom at work, I hear people say having a baby is a miracle, but it's NOT! Don't get me wrong, I can understand how the pain of pushing a watermelon size anything through a hole the size of ... Well, you get picture! Even though, this is amazing and awesome. The only birth that has ever been a miracle was Jesus' birth. His mother, got pregnant without doing the nasty. Jesus' mother, got pregnant in a time when women where stoned to death for doing the nasty outside of marriage but somehow, in a crazy world wind of events. Mary lived and married Joesph, who knew Mary was pregnant. Doesn't this seem a little bit of a miracle in itself.

Just think about it... Mary who I think is in her early teen years, gets a visit from an angel, telling her "Your pregnant and by the way... It's God's SON!" Now I could be jumping to conclusions, but I think any teenager in their right mind would of wonder, damn what the hell did I eat, drink or smoke? I know I would of :) Then to think about telling my teenage boyfriend, "Hey want to get married and oh yeah, I'm carrying God's Child!" This is an amazing story and only in the bible does it make sense. In our time and age, Mary would of ended up in some crazy loony bin completely drugged up and her baby, well, either society would of had it taken away or she would of been forced to abort it. That's a scary thought when you really think about. So... back on track, do miracles still happen?

You know, I can't say either way. I want think that I've experienced miracles in my own life but I'm a science guru and I do think that most miracles are a little bit of coincidences. Then again, in 1996 when my family went through a house fire, which almost took the life of my little brother Steven. I can't help but wonder how so many things happened. Steven died in the house, but coughs on my dad's third try in the buring inferno. Robby passes out in the kitchen but somehow ends up outside. I could't find a door handle to save my life, something so simple seemed impossible but the door opened and I felt someone pushing me through the house to safety. I felt something and thought it was my brother but when it pushed me down the stairs, scaring the crap out of me. I turned to yell at NOTHING, Robby wasn't there. Then old people that talked to me outside, telling me to stop worrying because God had it under control. That's was an interesting conversation :) No one saw them, but they were reason I didn't run back into the buring house to try help find Steven. The whole night was blur of crazy events but is was a miracle that a family of five got out of the house fire that should of killed all of us. Who knows, but for some crazy reason... God still has me here and asking the question, "Do miracles still happen?"

What do you think?

If I Could......

About a good week ago, I ran across a friend's status post on facebook asking the question, "If you could do anything and know you wouldn't fail, what would you do?" As I stopped and thought about the question... my list of "what ifs" got huge. There was a whole string of things that I would do, if I knew I could succeed at them without failing. Then I wondered, my list of "what ifs" ....are they really things that are stamped with the knowledge that failure as the outcome or were they nothing more than things that could cause a moment of "judgement" in my life from others. Was I more afraid of the outcome or was I more afraid of what people would think. So I went and asked the question to my friends... "What was their list of things?"

The list came back; flying, singing, playing an instrument, dancing the gig and even one person stated an Iron man. The list went on and on... My list compared to thier list was pretty similar to my friend's but I also wanted to walk in Trump's office and tell him, "Your fired!"

So........ what is it about these "chance of failure accomplishments" that make us sceptical about attaining them? From what I gather, our society, thanks to television, magazines and even high school popularity contests... we have all been told our whole life that it matters what others think or do. Now my question is, how do you raise a daughter telling her that everything she wants is attainable and can be done but, your most wanted dreams, will be dreams that you fight the most for.

Could you hold... the Fat?

Last week, I found myself with a nice back injury. Totally loving life...hahahahah.

Turns out, that even at the young age of 29, you can really hurt yourself! This fact of life was something very hard for me to accept; however, the part that was really hard for me to take.... was watching my physical therapist whip my butt on the Ball, weights and oh yeah, the bike. Not only did she whip my butt, I was sweating balls... seriously, drenching myself from my own sweat. Sick. Yes! Embarrassing. Yes!

This actually was not the worst part; I understand that this might come as a surprise but the worst part was, physical therapist is 7 months highly pregnant. She not only was not sweating or as some "women" have corrected me "glowing". She wasn't even stressing as though this hour and half work was doing anything for her.

So making of course a couple jokes with my pregnant PT. gal, I decide that it was time that Dear Christina take this "getting in shape" a little more to heart. I've been recruited to "Christa's Biggest Loser", a Spokane Biggest Loser event and I've made a little bet with my Best Gal Pal, The Jenn. Now hopefully after a couple of months, I won't get my butt handed to me by pregnant women.

Fingers crossed and watching my "food intake", Dear Christina is on a Diet ;-( Excited for the outcome, but man, I love food!!!! I will miss, hahhahahaha

Teaching Math was Easy!

Now a couple months ago, I met one amazing woman. A woman that changed my way of thinking about healthcare and made me realize that life is way too precious to let it fly by without making an impact. Pat Rush was one of my patients at Valley, and in the couple of months while she battled Luekemia; Pat called Valley her home. I became very good friends with Pat. I talked to her every chance I got. Couldn't go a day or two without my hugs but most of all, I just loved talking to her. She was such a real person, that it bewildered me and kept my attention everyday. I was fascinated by her stories of teaching math and hearing about her love for strangers. Then Pat had the amazing talent to make you feel amazing and worth something just by her little gestures of "hello". It didn't matter who you were in the hospital or what your position/title, Pat realized that you made a difference in her care and that was something to be very thankful of.

The one thing that Pat made very clear in my life, was my testimony of loving God. There were many moments in my 9 years of doing nursing, that God has handed me "intervention" moments. Moments were I could express my belief and share the love God has given me to strangers; however, being a new believer and let's face it... a not so "prefect" christian. I always felt the words I wanted to share leave my mouth before I could get my words straight, which would always make me sound so special. Now Pat, being totally real and understanding her situation of possibly dying from Luekemia, would always find herself a little frustrated and mad at God. I spent many hours with Pat, not really sharing my beliefs but more listening to her. I always giggled when I heard her curse because she was a math teacher. My sterotype for math teachers was shot! :)

Just sitting there listening and actually hearing Pat's words... taught me so much. It's interesting that in a world with a "microwave-instant ready" way of thinking, that we never realize how important it is to just stop coming up with half-ass responses. That not everything in this "short-life" will have an anwser or an insta-response. I learned how to shut-up and just listen with Pat's assistant. It's hard to believe that sometimes not having the anwser, is okay. This idea is very hard to learn, seeing that I've spent my last fours years in college needing to have, "insta-response" on at all times.

Today, I read Pat's lastest Blog entry.

Sad thing............. it wasn't pat's words I was reading, it was her sister, Sharon sharing the news that Pat is on comfort care measures. That Pat, my amazing friend, teacher and yes, patient at one time, will not be beating Luekemia. That Pat is surrounded by the people who care so dear for her and she is sleeping peacefully. I know she hasn't passed yet, but there is this little part of my heart that weaps just thinking, I may never see Pat again. I might not get another hug and let's face it, I may never hear her swear again ;-)

I think hardest moment in a person's life is coming to terms with the fact that we aren't all powerful, and God is the only one in control.

Random Rants of Christina's Life!

NEWS BREAK: The criminally insane go to the Fair and then goes M.I.A.

Okay really... I'm seeing a lot of things wrong with this sentence.

Are you serious? PAUL, our criminally insane patient, who has a rap sheet a mile long of trying to escape from Eastern State Hospital. Found himself today with the prefect opportunity to make his freedom a dream come true. Today, dear Paul, who by the way killed a 78 year old lade in 1987, found himself in the middle of the county fair. Where by just looking at his picture, I wouldn't be able to pick him out of the crowd at all as a nut job. Serious, someone should be losing their job over this. This is not okay in any way at all!

Plus... If a judge sends you to an institute because your a danger to society. Why in the world are you at in Public, exspecially in a Fair. I hope and pray no one gets hurt over someone's lack of responsibility or good judgement!

What Do We Really Believe?!?!?!

With each year of schooling, I find myself questioning a lot of the things I think and do. I find myself morphing into a person that is not the same girl that first thought about college. I am not that cute-little-happy-go-lucky-girl that thought she ruled the world. I find myself looking in the mirror more frequently trying to understand life and "our" purpose. Why are we here? What in the world is the point of this little time we spend on earth? It has to be more than just something of a flute -AKA- The Big Bang. Then we as a society have to be more than just people that destroy the world around us? Aren't we? There has to be more. There just has to be!

Where do I find myself now? In the back row of Mr. Cioffi 300 Core Class wondering, is what we as Christians think about "our purpose" really true? Are we based on principles that come out of the bible or just blue prints of past theologians and philosophers ideas of the "way of life"? Are we really following the true meaning of loving God, our savior or someones idea of what they think it means to be Christian. I don't know anymore! I read my bible. I study the verses and I try my best to decipher what God is trying to tell me but I always find myself questioning the realness of my answers or thoughts. Could a God that made me in His image, make me also bad? I mean, I do sin. I do find moments in life where I don't really act "poster board Christian". Actually to be really real, I'm so Christina that I don't have a single Christian friend. When my life goes crazy, it's not my church that calls to see how things are going? It's not the small group leaders? Actually no one from the "church family" even gives a thought to their followers true needs. SO If I am a part of a "family" that supposedly loves one another like brothers, why is that we treat each others like strangers?

Then to even go deeper with my confusion lately, I find it hard to learn that a lot of the things that we the Christian believe is true. Come from guys that weren't Christians at all. Actually their idea of what God was, was nothing more than some Divine Being of Ultimate Good or the Unmoved Mover. Aristotle and Plato, two guys that were born about 500 years before Jesus. Two guys whose ideas still form huge debates in college class room. Two guys who went down in history as "true Philosophers" about life. The funny thing, neither of them really believed in God as God.

Plato, student of Socrates, believed that we the humans needing to over come the physical world around us. In doing this, one must become one with the "NESS" of everything. Yes, you read that right! If you wanted to understand a chair... You had to understand that the chair here on earth wasn't real. In fact, not only was it not real, but it was just a stepping stone for a person to make it to the eternal realm. Where the Ultimate Chair-Ness Form was waiting our revelation. NICE!?!?!? (totally sarcastic) Basically Plato believed that we all lived in a cave of wonder, which wasn't real at all. It was nothing more than shadows of the real-"ness" in the eternal. Now there are some interesting facts here, think about what Christians are told about the life here on earth. It's nothing more than the "short" life. It's the one where we come to value the creation that God created. In learning more about this world, we also learnt that we should not store our treasures here on earth but in heaven. Hmmmm... sounding familiar?!?!? Oh yeah, the best part... Plato believed that we came hard wired with everything we will ever learn here on earth. We just need things/physical world to stimulate those ideas out of us. This all worked till I asked Mr. Coiffi about our grades. I mean if this is true, we the students already know everything that is in our philosophy book and what my teacher is teaching us. Our grades are nothing to us... Our grades are really his grades. There grades that reflect his ability to stimulate that information out of us, the students because we're hard-wired with philosophy. Mr. Coiffi... just chuckled and made mention his interest to read my reading responses because they should be good (oops:)

Now Aristotle believed that some of what Plato believed was true; however, if someone wanted to learn about the chair here on earth. We don't need to go searching in the eternal realm for answers about the chair. We can just test the chair. This is where our Scientific Method of Process comes from. Aristotle basically just believed that God was real but He was more of a "Unmoved Mover". The Guy who started everything off. We the human just really wanted to find Eudaimonia -AKA- Ultimate Happiness. Now in this Ultimate Happiness, we also needed to realize that life is life, sometimes it will suck but if a person does the good for mankind and lives a GOOD life. Then they will find Eudaimonia. Hmmm... this sounds a lot like our Christian 10 commandments and Golden Rule.

So after these two guys come the Church Guys... the Theologians! (suppose to hear some heavenly "Aaaaaaaaa" sound) Imagine it! Give it a moment... Okay moving on! :)

St. Augustine... Here's a guy that believed that we are all fucked because of Sin. We - Humans want to do good but because our "Will" is tainted from Eve and Adam taking that bit of the apple, we can't do good. This guy was the biggest Pessimist that ever lived. The scary part... this guys ideas are the back bone of a lot of churches. Well, after this jolly guy come Thomas Aquinas.. a guy that didn't believe that we were bad. He also didn't believe that Sin made such a huge impact on our ways of life. Instead, Thomas believed that everyone had the ability to choose good because we were made in God's Image. God is Good, so we are Good.

Okay has anyone picked up on anything yet... I have... turns out that as we continue on ward in this crazy thing called life. More Theologians and Philosophers step up with thier ideas about life. In each one of those guy's idea start to depict the bible and/or God as nothing more than a Super Mall. A place where you can do your one stop shopping and get only what you want. If you don't like the Miracles... then ignore those. If you can't stand the singing... Don't sing. Hey, if you don't really want to do anything... It's okay because GOD is nothing more than a thought. It's crazy to watch our society crumbled in front of my eyes in just a maker of weeks as I go through this class. This class has really questioned a lot of my ways of thinking and yes, my ideas of what the church is teaching. The only thing that seem totally real right now, is my time with God. My time where I bring it to Him real. Where I cry, laugh and yes, even sometimes confuss my stupid "ness" (okay, I had too :) I'm really lucky that I do have my faith and know that God is Real.

Another funny thing I find ... Each guy starting with Plato... all used a Pre-them philosopher's idea -AKA- Blue Print of How to Live and just spiced it up a little. They all added their little flavor of ideas behind the meaning of life but none of them ever seemed to get it right because the philosopher in front them believed they had it right and these guys were wrong. So here is my question... Who really has it right? The Church believes with all their heart that they know it, but when you look into the history of the church. There is a lot of not-so-good things in our closet. We have murdered, killed and even in one point in the history... the priest were selling, "Get into Heaven Free Cards" (indulgence) for just the "Right Price!" All of a sudden my star purchase isn't looking all that bad :).

Now whose right, whose wrong? With all these questions, I find wise words of a pretty amazing woman echoing in my head... "You know... If I am wrong for being a Christian and there really isn't any real point to this life here on earth. Crap... I lived a good life. However, if I am right... I would hate to be that person who thought I was wrong because now they have to explain to God how He's not real! I think that would be harder than just trusting Him here on earth!" (Norma LeLacheur... I miss that lady!)