Staying Bold but I feel Meek.

Have you ever just felt like you hit a wall in life? Like somewhere back in the last few steps on this road of life... You fucked up somewhere and took a wrong turn. (yes... I just typed an unchristian word but that's the only word coming to my mind to explain my situation!!! DEAL... I'm a christian with a potty mouth! God still loves me!!! )

That's my life right now.

God and me... we are fighting on a regular schedule. Then the fights... it's all on some of the most stupidest shit. I get mad because of the rain, my patients are mean, the sun is out but it's colder then heck... and yes... once I got mad over the garbage... That was maybe my lowest moment in "debating history" !

The thing that gets me........I bring everything to God's feet but for some crazy and stupid reason, I don't leave my issues there for God to deal with and let the stuff rest there at his feet. I seem to just bring my problems to God like it's show-and-tell time for ME and once the show is over... Off I go, with all my issues in hand. This is not GOOD!

Why is it, that as humans being we are always looking for something or wanting to stay in control of everything. It's like we are all playing this huge scavenger hunt for "life's happy ending" but no one seems to be winning but those that.... Well, I haven't really found or heard of too many people now-a-days stating thier winning! That's not Good Either.

Now as I rethink about every bible chapter I've read in the bible, each class I've taken on biblical teachings and every sermon preached on Sunday... that I've attended ;) ... they all say the same thing... God is the answer and He will be everything "WE" are not. So when does that come into play? I pray. I worship. I get my butt in the word. I volunteer. I feed the poor and love of the unloved. I believe God is my ultimate provider, healer, the Lord of My life and YES the Lover of my soul... So WHY do I feel so left alone right now.

In the last year, I've gone through a couple of relationships. With every relationship, I've lost a little bit of myself but also learned a little more about myself and became more resilient to people's B.S. On the other hand each guy had a huge toll on my life.

Stephen... I will always love that man and will forever think, what if?

Andy... Not sure how to feel about that one... Mad, Happy, Thankful... yeah, not sure how a lie can be good but I think God used a man's ugly lies to bring me closer to Jesus and what my life means to God. Making me realize that in life, God will be my ultimate Lover of my soul. So I am thankful for that new awareness of love but the roller coaster ride and all the time I wasted, I'm still mad, pissed, angry and yes... even sad. It's interesting how fast love can turn into hate... like there is this little tight rope between the two and I've fallen into hate. My mother was right... to hate someone, does take more time... then to just not care. I can't wait for God and me to work this one out.

Then finally Aaron, my best friend of ten years... what an amazing man but I just can't do it. I don't know why? Maybe I am selfish with my time now due to Andy. I spent so many hours talking and thinking about Andy, that I lost precious moments in my own life and it effected my duaghter too. Now, I seem to ration out my time, in fear that I will be taken over again by some amazing story teller, with a fabulous gift of charm. ahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know anymore!

What I do know... God wants me to reconnect with Him. Find my way back to actually letting go of those issues I bring up in my little "show and tell" shows with God. I need to find my way back to being that child like christian... the one that knew with all my heart, "God's got this!" When I finally get back to that moment in time again, and let God do God-Work in me and through me... That's when I think I'll find my way back to where I need to be... RIGHT AT GOD'S FEET waiting to hear about His next work He needs me to do in His glory!

God is good! I'm just His terrible Two child that has to always test my boundaries. WHY? The question I think God will ask me when we meet.

On a side note... Thank you to Jenn and Nicole... We guys have been so amazing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you both in my life! I Love you BOTH!

Men... Toys or Soul Mates!

Tonight was the annual... yeah... annual isn't the right word... It was Girls Night.This happens more enough then just once a year... so let's just call it GIRLS NIGHT! Basically a couple of my sexy friends get together and love on each other like crazy. We reconnect and even sometimes, boost each other up from a nasty break up or bad boyfriend issues. What ever the occasion is for us to get together... I live for these moments with my girlfriends.

Personally speaking, God sent me some awesome women in my life. Each one is amazing and each one is totally a man's dream come true but for some crazy reason, most of them don't find that Mr. Prince Charming. Most of my friends... convince themselves that they are okay with being alone and they are okay with guys stepping all over them. Most of them tell me in a very convincing manner and yet, not really that convincing ... "I'm okay with knowing I'm single!"

Me on the other... I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with a guy not realizing how amazing my friends are and how lucky these guys are to have my friend's in their life. I'm not okay with my girls thinking that it's okay to be that "strong" to not need a man. It's not... none of that is okay. Women were made for companionship. God made us from man's rib bone because every other animal that was already made from the earth... didn't fit right next to man... SO God knew the only thing that would fit next to man, was something made from man. We were made to be the companion to men, which in turn means... somewhere out there, some man is missing a rib bone and that rib bone is in one of my amazing friends!

I just wish sometimes, my friends would really grasp how amazing "WE" are. We weren't made of this earth! We weren't made first, so that just means that all the flaws God made in man... were fixed in us. We continue life.. We are the glue to the each and every family we are part of and I don't care what society tries to make us believe about ourselves... We are more then just pretty faces, small waist sizes and most of all... we are so much more in God's eyes! When God created us... He created Man's better half! Embrace that and realize... You matter as a woman!

Another thing... No man can love you unless he knows Jesus/God because God is LOVE! It's that simple... if the guy tells you he loves you... Stop him and ask him how his walk is. That will tell you what that love is he has for you!

This morning in church... pastor Vaughn asked..."If we were to ask your friends whether or not your needy, what would they say?" Instantly I thought, I am far from needy. When in fact... I am one of those people that does need help from people. I'm a single mom, going to school full time, working full time and some how I find time to volunteer too, so I need the help of others in my life. My pride sometimes really gets in the way of asking but I have amazing family and friends who realize my need before I do. So they jump in before I need to ask. Thank you guys.

Anyways... as Pastor Vaughn continues on with his sermon, some little voice in me starts to speak... starts to scream... finally gets so loud in my head, that I had no choice but to listen.... "Christina... Vaughns talking to you... He's speaking about your need for a relationship." WOW... I felt stupid because honestly... it's true. I want a man to love me and for me to love him the same way. I want a man here at home when I get off, to rub my back and tell me.. "Christina, you can do it again tomorrow, I believe in you." I want a man in my life, to make me feel... well... AMAZING. I wanted it so bad, that I got trapped into what my friends are calling, "A Myspace Fairytale".

It's the worst feeling in the world to let another person so close to your most inner secrets and life, to only have them walk away without any real answers. Most of the time now, I spend trying to explain the whole dang Andy Love to myself and others. Trying to find out why I got so hang up. Why I got so trapped into something of a fairytale and why in the world did I really start to believe all the lies. Why didn't I see it all for what it was, a moment in time with a man that I was never going to have. I mean God told me throughout the whole relationship, it's time to let go... it's time for you to move on... What would of happened had I actually listened. Would I be in this situation now, in another relationship... questioning my own feelings. My own needs... I don't know but what I do know...

Today Vaughn expressed why we as Humans are so messed up. We're Americans... which in turn means... we're selfish. Instead of going into relationships with the right frame of mind (meaning with compassion and love like Jesus). We typically find ourselves in relationships or situations because of what we can get out of it. My relationship with Andy... Amazing and I still love him, even with all the BS he put me through. When I look at that relationship fully, I start to realize I was being selfish... I wanted Andy... or the essence of ANDY... the picture perfect man I made him out to be... I wanted that. Otherwise known as My SuperMan. Funny thing, Andy was never what I thought he was. Andy was still human, he was like me... imperfect but I tried to make him more for my own selfish gains. Now the crazy thing and the thing that just eats away at me...

Almost 10 months... a relationship with it's ups and it's downs but mostly an amazing relationship. Completely diminished into nothing... there nothing left of the last 10 months but questions and feelings of anger, sadness and most of all loss. That's sad and totally not biblical at all. So I had to ask myself today in church, was my need for this amazing man so well known to the world... that I made myself vulnerable. Easy Prey... Starting to think that I did...

God being amazing stopped me in this downward spiral into feeling helpless and depressed and reminded me...

"Christina... I will always be that husband to you that I know you need. Let me be what you think you need."

To be that loved by God, even though I sometimes suck and really question that love God has for me, makes me realize that God let me go through the last few months just so I would come to terms with the fact, that I do need! I need someone to love me and help me through this crazy thing called life. That person I need, is God and through Him... He will find me my future spouse. My focus in life should be on God and His needs for my life because when I let my worldly needs over take my heavenly needs. I will no doubt end up in a temporary fix or A Myspace Fairytale!

The Ocean of Love

When you think about the ocean... you think fish, surfers, seagulls... For me... I think waves and sounds. I think amazing power and freedom. The ocean is the one thing man will never conquer. We will never be able to tell the ocean what to do and even though, Walt Disney glorified King Triton in Little Mermaid as the ruler of the sea. Everyone knows... the ocean is always in control of its own actions. So when Pastor Vaughn told us in our Get Bit class to go and become one with the ocean. The ocean represented God's Love for us.

I still found it hard to let go. The idea of swimming out into nothing, not knowing where I was going or how far I would actually be able to make it before taking on water, basically... I didn't want to give up my control of the circumstances (my life). I didn't want to let myself be over taken by this vast body of water. I didn't want to be become one with the ocean, which is so weird for me to admit because I love God. I want to be one of His children and I know that I am... so why in the world would it be so hard for me to just let go and accept the fact that I am in HIS LOVE. I don't know but today... God being totally amazing... gave me the sermon on this.

See... every time I would go out into the ocean, I was going out there to get away from the world. To be freed of the million titles that I have here on earth. To be freed of the expectations everyone and their mom has on me. I wasn't going out there because I wanted to be one of God, but to be hidden from the world. God stopped me though... I was going to Him in the wrong manner. I was going to Him with the Goal of freeing myself of duties.

When Jesus spoke in His short ministry, he talked about Serving and Loving. Those two things are the heart of Jesus. Those two things was what I was running from. Lately, I am guilty of doing work because I know it has to be done. I'm one of those people that if I see a need, I will jump on it. I won't ask who suppose to do this or if someone is planning on doing this... I just do it. That's what gets the job done and we can move on to something else. In that train of thought of mine, just get it done....No glory in that moment is given to God at all but in fairness, I don't ask for glory either. I just want to get the job done.

My issue, I seem to limit God on His works. I think the little mundane things here on earth, like house chorus or doing the laundry... are things God can't use. When in fact, those are moments He works on me. I need to learn that even in the times where I seem to be doing nothing in my mind... I am doing for God. This is my purpose here on earth.

I'm Right HERE... I'll never leave you!

Get BIT... Pastor Vaughn Bible Intensive Teachings. This months Get Bit... Marriage.

Now when I signed up, I was happily involved with Andy. I wanted to learn how to be that amazing Christian wife to Andy. We were talking about marriage and even daydreaming about how amazing it would be, to actually have that 1950s "Leave to Beaver" family. We both really thought that our relationship was from God. This was it... this was the real thing and we both prayed very diligently about it. So when Andy wrote after his mom died, that he wasn't coming back to Spokane and needed to be with his father in Idaho. My little world... the one I had created in my head, came falling down all around me. I felt lost and not really sure what to do or say. It was the worst feeling in the world. I found myself crying in the worst awkward moments and watched my smile, slowly disappear off my face. It was like I was shriveling up all possibilities of Love, Joy and Happiness in my life.

Now being Christina... what do I do... I pull away from any emotional reminders. I hide all feelings of being hurt and make myself so busy that actually having to stop to think. Was not really an option. This being the reason why all my prayers have seemed like quick stops on a road trip. I go to God with so many questions, that by the time my "Prayer stop-watch" goes off... There was no time to reflect. I was off the Big Guy's Couch before He could really get a word in.

Well Pastor Vaughn being totally a gift from God in my life, starts the class off with, "So you might not like this Get Bit because we aren't having any small group chats and I won't be teaching you everything... most of the time here, in this Get Bit... You will be spending it with God in prayer."

"WHAT?!?!?!?" This was the last thing I wanted to do... instantly, my eyes had to have shown all my fear and my palms started to sweat. I didn't want to go into prayer... I didn't want to sit in a corner and talk with God... I wanted to be in my little world of busyness and just forget about these last few days. Just act like they never happened. I wanted to wait to pray till I, ME, and MYSELF was ready to talk. So as Pastor Vaughn talks about marriage, my mind is distracted of what I am going to say to God or how I am going to explain all my actions lately. I wasn't focused at all. Even in the book where we were suppose to answer questions about marriage... I found my notebook being filled with all those questions of doubt I have about LOVE and not a single answer to those important questions. It seemed that my only interest was trying to disprove this thing called marriage and prove to myself... I wasn't made for it.

Which is crazy I know.... But that's was what I was doing.

Now Pastor Vaughn is totally emphasizes over and over again... Women... we were made for man to marry. Our whole being here on life, was to be married and to be joined with a man. Woman in Hebrew is Ish-shah (ee-SHAH), which also means wife. So when they were translating the bible from Hebrew to English, the scribes had to decide throughout the bible whether to write woman or wife. Basically in English or Christina terms WOMAN = WIFE! That's it... And that was something I was really fighting with.

Fast Forward....The last 30 minutes of class, Pastor Vaughn wanted us to do some concentrated prayer. Basically... mix Yoga, with some breathing techniques and emptying of your mind of any crazy thought or thoughts in my case... And there in the middle of this relaxed moment... you sit down with the Big Guy and LISTEN! No talking, no praying for wants, needs or Questions... just listening... Chillin' with the Big Guy... Muted. Yeah... I've never done this and to tell you the truth... I didn't think there was any way to turn my mind off. Heck, trying to sleep the last few nights has been Hell (it's a biblical word) because I can't stop thinking.

Well, after a quick pee break... I find myself upstairs in a pew. There are other people throughout the church and everyone seems to have found their comfort position to pray. Me... I can't get comfy. My phone seems to bother me in my pocket. Then my keys... then it didn't matter how I laid my head on the pew seat... nothing seemed to really make me relax. I was so tense and on the verge of giving up, when I saw Manito Park in my mind. I actually saw the little butterfly garden they have up there and this little bench. Then on the bench... sat Jesus. It was interesting because I am a sucker for details, but for the first time in my life... I didn't care about the details. I didn't really care what His face looked like and didn't even notice the clothes... all I know, was He was Jesus and I was sitting next Him. Now don't get me wrong... it was hard keeping that image in my mind, without other thoughts trying to over take mind but when I was able to grasp it for a couple of minutes here and there. It was amazing.

The funny thing... I didn't say anything. Not one word... I just sat there, laying on His shoulder crying. We didn't say anything or look at each other face or hug or do really anything I thought I would do when I first saw Jesus. We just sat there... and he said in a very calm and low voice, "Be still and know that I am God. I am right here and I will never Leave you."

I started crying and to tell you the truth... I'm crying right now... because those were the exact words I needed to hear. I've been beating myself up lately thinking, I really tried to convince myself the last few days, maybe I'm not made for LOVE. Maybe God didn't make me a partner. Maybe just Maybe... I'm suppose to always be alone but tonight hearing him say... "Be still and know that I am GOD. I am right here and I will never leave you." Made me realize, God hears my cries. God knows my pain and with me being a total mess, Jesus lets me know... This mess what my mother calls, Christina, will always be HIS and I am special to HIM.

So like I love my daughter and "TRY" my darndest to grant Mylah every heart's desire. GOD "DOES" grant mine but it's all in HIS plan because He is GOD and not me!" It's Him time. Tonight... I started the class scared but left feeling loved for the first time in a couple of days.

The Bubbles of Jesus.

Class was awesome... the presentations ranged from being totally cool to... "is their five minutes up, yet!"

One guy explained Jesus and bubbles together... totally blown away by his presentation and found it interesting. Basically every bubble ever made, tries to be a prefect sphere and looks like one to the untrained eye. In reality, the bubble isn't a sphere at all, what we see is water and soap "trying" to make a perfect circle. Even when you wave it around and the bubble jiggles, it still goes back to it's original form, the "look-a-like" sphere. All in All, the bubbles represented us... the Christians trying to fulfill the "I Am's" found in The Sermon on the Mount. No matter how hard we try... we'll never be prefect. So only by the Grace of God can we really be saved.

It was really good presentation. Actually this guy (I don't know his name... I call him "Hun"... this where my pet names get me in trouble) He works with bubbles and will trying to break the World Gensis record here in a couple of weeks by making theBiggest Bubble. He invited me to go and see. I think Mylah will love this.

Then Darin... My country Hill-Billy Jock... I totally dig this guy and he makes me laugh. Actually if it wasn't for Darin and Art... I don't think this class would of been as much fun. These guys are a riot. Anyways... Darin got up and said something that just talked wonders into my life. He gave his testimony about his relationship with his dad and how it wasn't that great but was now facing the reality that his dad only has a couple days... weeks... months to live. So Darin asked out loud to the class, (A) do I keep this locked up emotions I hold against my dad forever until he apologizes or (B) buck it up, hash it out and move on with his to make more amazing memories before dad passes on? Before anyone could answer...Darin told the class that he dealt with issues with dad and that he learned from this moment... That keeping tension - anger - issues locked up in your soul... is like poison to your "amazing and loving" memories you hold for that person. With each day you hate that person and each day you hold anger towards them... you lose one more amazing memory you shared and kept close to your heart.

Even though Darin... felt a little ridicules about sharing his testimony with a bunch of people he didn't know. I told him, you know... "I think God just used you to talk to a lot of people in this room. Being real and showing your "human" side talks more wonders to people then reciting any research scholars key terms."

Then my presentation... I got my paper done one hour before heading into class and the amazing Steven from Santa Barbara, who I owe BIG... proofread it for me so I felt confident with my topic and paper. Thank you, Stephen .

Anyways...

I got up there and rocked... talked about prayer, gave my testimony about Andy and his family's involvement in my life. Then shared my deepest secrets and sins with the class. Even though they laughed a lot because I can't seem to take humor out of anything I do... after I got done. I realized that my whole class, even Art was looking at me and comprehending what I was saying. I actually talked with confidence and knew my topic inside and out. You know how I know this... it was when heard my teacher in the back go... "hmmmm, never thought of that!"

That was awesome and made me think I would really like to be a speaker someday like Joyce Meyers or one of those preaching types! Maybe that's my calling, who knows... only time will tell.

One last thing that was brought to my attention... the resurrection... It's real... how do I know this... Had Jesus really not risen from the dead and it was a figment of everyone's imagination. Don't you think the Romans would of just paraded Jesus' dead corpse down the city center and crushed all rumors. That to me... was something that made me got... WOW, I never thought of that!

With everything going on in this little girl's life, that child of mine still finds away to make me smile and laugh about life. Today though, she taught me that even in the worst moments in life... like getting your blood drawn for the millionth time... you still find a moment to smile. You still worry about the people around you and not yourself. I love that kid.

Anyways... as we were getting her blood drawn... Mylah kept telling me, "Mommy... I'm giving blood!" Now in her little mind, she just thinks she is giving again but the reality of what was about to happen. That didn't sink in till we got to the back...when she saw all the needles and tubes. Now the idea of giving changed real quick... She wasn't too qeen anymore about giving her blood anymore. Well, right before the lady sticks her... Mylah looks at me and says... "I need M&Ms after this!" I laughed about inside... I was dying.

To watch your child suffer and see them cry... it's the worst feeling in the world. My daughter the last few days has been in so much pain and there is nothing I can do but tell her I love her and massage her tummy. I hate feeling helpless and right now in life... I feel like everything is falling apart around me. I don't know what to do but when I watch my princess, "thank" the lady who just poked her with a needle. I learned real quick from that pint-size verision of me... Even in the moments where life sucks... There is always something to be thankful for. Funny I would learn that from a three year old.

I love her and Thank God for her everyday!