Love is in the Air... HOW?

Wrote this awhile ago in my dairy... thought it was good enough to post on here!

This morning was quite a relaxing and lazy morning... I started the day off cooking breakfast and reading, "The Shack". After breakfast and a little mommy/Mylah time...I watched Fireproof.

"Always Remember...A woman is like a Rose... You show her love and compassion, she will bloom. If you don't, she'll wilt."

Sitting there on my couch, comfy with the blanket "Santa Barbara" gave me for Christmas and a pint of "Ben and Jerry's". I can't help but realize my love-life could almost be that movie. I was Catherine, a woman so feed-up with trying to love a man, not wanting to love her. I could understand her hatred towards Caleb. Her lack of faith toward love itself. Then halfway through the movie I lumped myself in with those women gossiping behind Catherine's back and telling her to let go. I wanted her marriage to be over and I wanted reality to take effect. The idea of what "we" as society think about marriage... It's nothing more than just a paper. "Till death do us part" Yeah right... it's more like, till I find something better! Then as I sit there really evaluating my attitude and my bitterness, I noticed that Love in English is confusing. We don't understand love because love, the meaning is so lacking!
Think about it... when we say love... what do we mean?

Our Meaning of LOVE

Love "Man I love the Cowboys!"
Love "I just love how those two colors look together."
Love "I love eating at Scrath!"Love "I love you Mommy!"
Love "I will love you till death do us part!"
LOVE "Jesus LOVES you!"

In first century Jew time, when they talked about love... love meant many different things. Actually there were many different kinds of love
Hebrew Word:
Ahab Spontaneous - impulsive love
Hesed Deliberate choice of affection and kindness
Rahan To have compassion - brotherly love (Friendship love)
Greek Words:
Eros Sensual, Erotic, Sexual, Impulsive Love (What Hollywood portrays love to be!)
philia The love you have toward your spouse, children and friends
Agape divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (no one really can understand this love because this love is what Jesus did for us on the cross)

Can you see where the confusion comes into play. Love was such an important thing that it had many different meanings. Love is huge and important to define. Love is not just a word that should be thrown out like it was candy, at a 4th of July parade. It seems like everyone these days takes love for granted because we just don't really grasp what it is. So the next time you tell someone, "I love you!" Really grasp what your saying... because LOVE is something more amazing than just a little four letter word you can hand out. It's GOD's gift to us!!So use it wisely!!!! AND PROTECT YOUR HEART.. that's where love lies!

The lastest Disease... And I caught it!

Tonight I found myself talking with some "new potentials" about life. Mostly it was Christina's way of getting to know the doctors and lets be real... I wanted to know who was single. Well, everything was going honky-dory. We were laughing, having a great old time. I was being cute and working the moves of "incognito" flirt signals. Then this female doctor came into the conversation, NICE ... this is what we call in the single world, a penis blocker (some call it a more vulgar word, but that's not my style)

Well, she joins in the conversation and this is the exact moment where the "fun life stories" talk turned into family and kids strictly (per female doc... argh). So here we all are sharing our family details. Now everyone in the group is married but two of us. When this fact is mentioned/discovered ... Mrs. Penis Blocker...looks at me and says, "SO your one of those!" A little taken back by what she was implying... I asked... "One of those, what?"

Anyone that knows me, knows I'm pretty cool when it comes to people that are judgemental and can typically keep my cool. However this lady, I don't know why.. maybe it was the smug look or the condesending attitude she spoke with but I wanted to slap her. So in anticipation of her response... my other single partner in the group pipes up... "SINGLE" as he looks at me smiling!

I couldn't believe it.. when did singlehood become an epidemic. Then when did single women become something Married women hated. How am I the enemy to married women? Now praying under my breathe and really just trying to look past her arrogant ways. I found myself shaking my head saying, "It's always interesting to me, how married women like you, spend hours worried about me sleeping with your husband and no time worrying about your husband's needs! Maybe if you were more worried about those needs your husband has and less time worried about my skills in the bedroom... You know, I don't think I would be a threat to you because then... you would know... Your shit Rocks! Plus... I have more class then to mess around with a married man."

After saying something like that, everyone knows that you have to exit the conversation very smoothly and confident to keep your coolness and "awe" factor... however being Christina... what do I do... I straight trip on the chair and fall to my face. Totally mortified and knowing everyone was staring at me. I realized God was humbling me right there!!! It was my moment to calm the air. I looked at the married woman stating, "Come on... that sucked as a "cool" exit! AND really? Are you threatened by me?" She laughed but I could tell, she was still mad at me. Hey... I can't always be pleasing and prefect but I TRY!

The Penis Stratching Post... ME?

This Friday, I spent an amazing night with Jenn tearing up downtown Spokane and then... Goodtymes. Now while we were downtown, we ran into a lot of people that I knew or had known. Jenn, of course ran into one or two men not sure how to handle her. Guys around my sexy Jenn, get a little funny. They get bashful and shy and loose every sense of coolness they thought they had. Jenn... she loves it. Actually I think her sexy goes up a couple more notches with each guy that blushes just looking at her; however, Saturday Jenn met a challenge.

So here we are at O'Doherty's, drinking, laughing and having a gay old time. Mostly "the Jenn" was making little jokes about my attraction to older men or as Jenn likes to say it... "Older Meat!" Well, as we were sitting there, I notice this young guy sitting next to me. He was almost in tears and making this horrid noise after each sip of his drink. Now looking at his drinking in front of him, to the untrained eye (or mine), it looked like some girlie poofy drink. The guy informed me that I was way wrong. It had 7 different hard liqours (Jamenson being one) and a splash of cranberry for color. It sounded nasty... Jenn noticing an opportunity to flirt a little. She jumps on board and uses me as a telephone line to her newest victum. Poor guy didn't know what hit him.... Well, after about 15 lines back and forth... all through christina the newest form of telephoning. The guy found himself blushing, giggling and really lost for words. The Jenn had won and the guy left smiling but reluctant to let Jenn out of his sight. It was funny.

We left O'Doherty's after a few drinks and went to Jimmy'z for a little dancing. Jimmy'z was packed and the bouncer wouldn't let people in. He was hand picking people from the line that he found "worthy". Five people where chosen when Jenn and me got there and we were one of the selected five. Made some people not so happy, seeing they had been waiting for a who knows how long. However, after coming to the conclusion that being pushed, touched and grabbed in "unaccidental" ways from strangers... we decided that Goodtymes would be our next hot spot.

Now when we drive out to Goodtymes, we laugh because we both know that right when we hit the door, we'll hear some flashback to some 80s one-hit wonder song. Even though we know this, we both also know that Goodtymes is always good for a "good time"; however, this time, Goodtymes didn't have a band playing. Actually Goodtymes wasn't the bar we both use to remember. It was full of people dancing to a DJ playing some HipHop song that was recent. Now... I didn't know the song, but Jenn did. So we made a bee line to the floor after getting another drink. Here we are... dancing, laughing and just having a blast. Now some how I was giving off the vibe that I wanted a partner and this very good looking black guy come up behind me. At that moment, I didn't realize it but this guy had the idea of making me "the Penis Stratching Post".

Now a couple of you might be asking... "Christina, what is a Penis Stratching Post?"

Well, glad you asked... let me enlighten you...

It's when a guy comes up behind a girl and rubs his "member" all up on your booty. It almost reminds me of a bear when they use a tree to stratch their backs. It's like these guys forgot the proper way of cleansing themselves and now have an itch they need help getting at. Then for some crazy reason... I look around the bar and realize that "we" (the girls) are competing against each other for just the chance to be a "Penis Stratching Post". ohhh.. if only those women that fought for women rights, would of seen us NOW... "We" would have done them proud! (sarcasm to the fullest!)

I am standing my ground from here on out... I will No longer Be or Accept the role as some stranger's "Penis Stratching Post"; however, if he's my man... I'd better be the only Stratching Post in his life and you better believe, I'll be the best "Penis Stratching Post" he ever had!

Side Note: Last night at Sushi with Jenn,

CHRISTINA: "Why do you think we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts'?"

JENN: "Want to hear something deep? It's because we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts"!

I love that girl!

Staying Bold but I feel Meek.

Have you ever just felt like you hit a wall in life? Like somewhere back in the last few steps on this road of life... You fucked up somewhere and took a wrong turn. (yes... I just typed an unchristian word but that's the only word coming to my mind to explain my situation!!! DEAL... I'm a christian with a potty mouth! God still loves me!!! )

That's my life right now.

God and me... we are fighting on a regular schedule. Then the fights... it's all on some of the most stupidest shit. I get mad because of the rain, my patients are mean, the sun is out but it's colder then heck... and yes... once I got mad over the garbage... That was maybe my lowest moment in "debating history" !

The thing that gets me........I bring everything to God's feet but for some crazy and stupid reason, I don't leave my issues there for God to deal with and let the stuff rest there at his feet. I seem to just bring my problems to God like it's show-and-tell time for ME and once the show is over... Off I go, with all my issues in hand. This is not GOOD!

Why is it, that as humans being we are always looking for something or wanting to stay in control of everything. It's like we are all playing this huge scavenger hunt for "life's happy ending" but no one seems to be winning but those that.... Well, I haven't really found or heard of too many people now-a-days stating thier winning! That's not Good Either.

Now as I rethink about every bible chapter I've read in the bible, each class I've taken on biblical teachings and every sermon preached on Sunday... that I've attended ;) ... they all say the same thing... God is the answer and He will be everything "WE" are not. So when does that come into play? I pray. I worship. I get my butt in the word. I volunteer. I feed the poor and love of the unloved. I believe God is my ultimate provider, healer, the Lord of My life and YES the Lover of my soul... So WHY do I feel so left alone right now.

In the last year, I've gone through a couple of relationships. With every relationship, I've lost a little bit of myself but also learned a little more about myself and became more resilient to people's B.S. On the other hand each guy had a huge toll on my life.

Stephen... I will always love that man and will forever think, what if?

Andy... Not sure how to feel about that one... Mad, Happy, Thankful... yeah, not sure how a lie can be good but I think God used a man's ugly lies to bring me closer to Jesus and what my life means to God. Making me realize that in life, God will be my ultimate Lover of my soul. So I am thankful for that new awareness of love but the roller coaster ride and all the time I wasted, I'm still mad, pissed, angry and yes... even sad. It's interesting how fast love can turn into hate... like there is this little tight rope between the two and I've fallen into hate. My mother was right... to hate someone, does take more time... then to just not care. I can't wait for God and me to work this one out.

Then finally Aaron, my best friend of ten years... what an amazing man but I just can't do it. I don't know why? Maybe I am selfish with my time now due to Andy. I spent so many hours talking and thinking about Andy, that I lost precious moments in my own life and it effected my duaghter too. Now, I seem to ration out my time, in fear that I will be taken over again by some amazing story teller, with a fabulous gift of charm. ahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know anymore!

What I do know... God wants me to reconnect with Him. Find my way back to actually letting go of those issues I bring up in my little "show and tell" shows with God. I need to find my way back to being that child like christian... the one that knew with all my heart, "God's got this!" When I finally get back to that moment in time again, and let God do God-Work in me and through me... That's when I think I'll find my way back to where I need to be... RIGHT AT GOD'S FEET waiting to hear about His next work He needs me to do in His glory!

God is good! I'm just His terrible Two child that has to always test my boundaries. WHY? The question I think God will ask me when we meet.

On a side note... Thank you to Jenn and Nicole... We guys have been so amazing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you both in my life! I Love you BOTH!

Men... Toys or Soul Mates!

Tonight was the annual... yeah... annual isn't the right word... It was Girls Night.This happens more enough then just once a year... so let's just call it GIRLS NIGHT! Basically a couple of my sexy friends get together and love on each other like crazy. We reconnect and even sometimes, boost each other up from a nasty break up or bad boyfriend issues. What ever the occasion is for us to get together... I live for these moments with my girlfriends.

Personally speaking, God sent me some awesome women in my life. Each one is amazing and each one is totally a man's dream come true but for some crazy reason, most of them don't find that Mr. Prince Charming. Most of my friends... convince themselves that they are okay with being alone and they are okay with guys stepping all over them. Most of them tell me in a very convincing manner and yet, not really that convincing ... "I'm okay with knowing I'm single!"

Me on the other... I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with a guy not realizing how amazing my friends are and how lucky these guys are to have my friend's in their life. I'm not okay with my girls thinking that it's okay to be that "strong" to not need a man. It's not... none of that is okay. Women were made for companionship. God made us from man's rib bone because every other animal that was already made from the earth... didn't fit right next to man... SO God knew the only thing that would fit next to man, was something made from man. We were made to be the companion to men, which in turn means... somewhere out there, some man is missing a rib bone and that rib bone is in one of my amazing friends!

I just wish sometimes, my friends would really grasp how amazing "WE" are. We weren't made of this earth! We weren't made first, so that just means that all the flaws God made in man... were fixed in us. We continue life.. We are the glue to the each and every family we are part of and I don't care what society tries to make us believe about ourselves... We are more then just pretty faces, small waist sizes and most of all... we are so much more in God's eyes! When God created us... He created Man's better half! Embrace that and realize... You matter as a woman!

Another thing... No man can love you unless he knows Jesus/God because God is LOVE! It's that simple... if the guy tells you he loves you... Stop him and ask him how his walk is. That will tell you what that love is he has for you!

This morning in church... pastor Vaughn asked..."If we were to ask your friends whether or not your needy, what would they say?" Instantly I thought, I am far from needy. When in fact... I am one of those people that does need help from people. I'm a single mom, going to school full time, working full time and some how I find time to volunteer too, so I need the help of others in my life. My pride sometimes really gets in the way of asking but I have amazing family and friends who realize my need before I do. So they jump in before I need to ask. Thank you guys.

Anyways... as Pastor Vaughn continues on with his sermon, some little voice in me starts to speak... starts to scream... finally gets so loud in my head, that I had no choice but to listen.... "Christina... Vaughns talking to you... He's speaking about your need for a relationship." WOW... I felt stupid because honestly... it's true. I want a man to love me and for me to love him the same way. I want a man here at home when I get off, to rub my back and tell me.. "Christina, you can do it again tomorrow, I believe in you." I want a man in my life, to make me feel... well... AMAZING. I wanted it so bad, that I got trapped into what my friends are calling, "A Myspace Fairytale".

It's the worst feeling in the world to let another person so close to your most inner secrets and life, to only have them walk away without any real answers. Most of the time now, I spend trying to explain the whole dang Andy Love to myself and others. Trying to find out why I got so hang up. Why I got so trapped into something of a fairytale and why in the world did I really start to believe all the lies. Why didn't I see it all for what it was, a moment in time with a man that I was never going to have. I mean God told me throughout the whole relationship, it's time to let go... it's time for you to move on... What would of happened had I actually listened. Would I be in this situation now, in another relationship... questioning my own feelings. My own needs... I don't know but what I do know...

Today Vaughn expressed why we as Humans are so messed up. We're Americans... which in turn means... we're selfish. Instead of going into relationships with the right frame of mind (meaning with compassion and love like Jesus). We typically find ourselves in relationships or situations because of what we can get out of it. My relationship with Andy... Amazing and I still love him, even with all the BS he put me through. When I look at that relationship fully, I start to realize I was being selfish... I wanted Andy... or the essence of ANDY... the picture perfect man I made him out to be... I wanted that. Otherwise known as My SuperMan. Funny thing, Andy was never what I thought he was. Andy was still human, he was like me... imperfect but I tried to make him more for my own selfish gains. Now the crazy thing and the thing that just eats away at me...

Almost 10 months... a relationship with it's ups and it's downs but mostly an amazing relationship. Completely diminished into nothing... there nothing left of the last 10 months but questions and feelings of anger, sadness and most of all loss. That's sad and totally not biblical at all. So I had to ask myself today in church, was my need for this amazing man so well known to the world... that I made myself vulnerable. Easy Prey... Starting to think that I did...

God being amazing stopped me in this downward spiral into feeling helpless and depressed and reminded me...

"Christina... I will always be that husband to you that I know you need. Let me be what you think you need."

To be that loved by God, even though I sometimes suck and really question that love God has for me, makes me realize that God let me go through the last few months just so I would come to terms with the fact, that I do need! I need someone to love me and help me through this crazy thing called life. That person I need, is God and through Him... He will find me my future spouse. My focus in life should be on God and His needs for my life because when I let my worldly needs over take my heavenly needs. I will no doubt end up in a temporary fix or A Myspace Fairytale!

The Ocean of Love

When you think about the ocean... you think fish, surfers, seagulls... For me... I think waves and sounds. I think amazing power and freedom. The ocean is the one thing man will never conquer. We will never be able to tell the ocean what to do and even though, Walt Disney glorified King Triton in Little Mermaid as the ruler of the sea. Everyone knows... the ocean is always in control of its own actions. So when Pastor Vaughn told us in our Get Bit class to go and become one with the ocean. The ocean represented God's Love for us.

I still found it hard to let go. The idea of swimming out into nothing, not knowing where I was going or how far I would actually be able to make it before taking on water, basically... I didn't want to give up my control of the circumstances (my life). I didn't want to let myself be over taken by this vast body of water. I didn't want to be become one with the ocean, which is so weird for me to admit because I love God. I want to be one of His children and I know that I am... so why in the world would it be so hard for me to just let go and accept the fact that I am in HIS LOVE. I don't know but today... God being totally amazing... gave me the sermon on this.

See... every time I would go out into the ocean, I was going out there to get away from the world. To be freed of the million titles that I have here on earth. To be freed of the expectations everyone and their mom has on me. I wasn't going out there because I wanted to be one of God, but to be hidden from the world. God stopped me though... I was going to Him in the wrong manner. I was going to Him with the Goal of freeing myself of duties.

When Jesus spoke in His short ministry, he talked about Serving and Loving. Those two things are the heart of Jesus. Those two things was what I was running from. Lately, I am guilty of doing work because I know it has to be done. I'm one of those people that if I see a need, I will jump on it. I won't ask who suppose to do this or if someone is planning on doing this... I just do it. That's what gets the job done and we can move on to something else. In that train of thought of mine, just get it done....No glory in that moment is given to God at all but in fairness, I don't ask for glory either. I just want to get the job done.

My issue, I seem to limit God on His works. I think the little mundane things here on earth, like house chorus or doing the laundry... are things God can't use. When in fact, those are moments He works on me. I need to learn that even in the times where I seem to be doing nothing in my mind... I am doing for God. This is my purpose here on earth.