What Do We Really Believe?!?!?!

With each year of schooling, I find myself questioning a lot of the things I think and do. I find myself morphing into a person that is not the same girl that first thought about college. I am not that cute-little-happy-go-lucky-girl that thought she ruled the world. I find myself looking in the mirror more frequently trying to understand life and "our" purpose. Why are we here? What in the world is the point of this little time we spend on earth? It has to be more than just something of a flute -AKA- The Big Bang. Then we as a society have to be more than just people that destroy the world around us? Aren't we? There has to be more. There just has to be!

Where do I find myself now? In the back row of Mr. Cioffi 300 Core Class wondering, is what we as Christians think about "our purpose" really true? Are we based on principles that come out of the bible or just blue prints of past theologians and philosophers ideas of the "way of life"? Are we really following the true meaning of loving God, our savior or someones idea of what they think it means to be Christian. I don't know anymore! I read my bible. I study the verses and I try my best to decipher what God is trying to tell me but I always find myself questioning the realness of my answers or thoughts. Could a God that made me in His image, make me also bad? I mean, I do sin. I do find moments in life where I don't really act "poster board Christian". Actually to be really real, I'm so Christina that I don't have a single Christian friend. When my life goes crazy, it's not my church that calls to see how things are going? It's not the small group leaders? Actually no one from the "church family" even gives a thought to their followers true needs. SO If I am a part of a "family" that supposedly loves one another like brothers, why is that we treat each others like strangers?

Then to even go deeper with my confusion lately, I find it hard to learn that a lot of the things that we the Christian believe is true. Come from guys that weren't Christians at all. Actually their idea of what God was, was nothing more than some Divine Being of Ultimate Good or the Unmoved Mover. Aristotle and Plato, two guys that were born about 500 years before Jesus. Two guys whose ideas still form huge debates in college class room. Two guys who went down in history as "true Philosophers" about life. The funny thing, neither of them really believed in God as God.

Plato, student of Socrates, believed that we the humans needing to over come the physical world around us. In doing this, one must become one with the "NESS" of everything. Yes, you read that right! If you wanted to understand a chair... You had to understand that the chair here on earth wasn't real. In fact, not only was it not real, but it was just a stepping stone for a person to make it to the eternal realm. Where the Ultimate Chair-Ness Form was waiting our revelation. NICE!?!?!? (totally sarcastic) Basically Plato believed that we all lived in a cave of wonder, which wasn't real at all. It was nothing more than shadows of the real-"ness" in the eternal. Now there are some interesting facts here, think about what Christians are told about the life here on earth. It's nothing more than the "short" life. It's the one where we come to value the creation that God created. In learning more about this world, we also learnt that we should not store our treasures here on earth but in heaven. Hmmmm... sounding familiar?!?!? Oh yeah, the best part... Plato believed that we came hard wired with everything we will ever learn here on earth. We just need things/physical world to stimulate those ideas out of us. This all worked till I asked Mr. Coiffi about our grades. I mean if this is true, we the students already know everything that is in our philosophy book and what my teacher is teaching us. Our grades are nothing to us... Our grades are really his grades. There grades that reflect his ability to stimulate that information out of us, the students because we're hard-wired with philosophy. Mr. Coiffi... just chuckled and made mention his interest to read my reading responses because they should be good (oops:)

Now Aristotle believed that some of what Plato believed was true; however, if someone wanted to learn about the chair here on earth. We don't need to go searching in the eternal realm for answers about the chair. We can just test the chair. This is where our Scientific Method of Process comes from. Aristotle basically just believed that God was real but He was more of a "Unmoved Mover". The Guy who started everything off. We the human just really wanted to find Eudaimonia -AKA- Ultimate Happiness. Now in this Ultimate Happiness, we also needed to realize that life is life, sometimes it will suck but if a person does the good for mankind and lives a GOOD life. Then they will find Eudaimonia. Hmmm... this sounds a lot like our Christian 10 commandments and Golden Rule.

So after these two guys come the Church Guys... the Theologians! (suppose to hear some heavenly "Aaaaaaaaa" sound) Imagine it! Give it a moment... Okay moving on! :)

St. Augustine... Here's a guy that believed that we are all fucked because of Sin. We - Humans want to do good but because our "Will" is tainted from Eve and Adam taking that bit of the apple, we can't do good. This guy was the biggest Pessimist that ever lived. The scary part... this guys ideas are the back bone of a lot of churches. Well, after this jolly guy come Thomas Aquinas.. a guy that didn't believe that we were bad. He also didn't believe that Sin made such a huge impact on our ways of life. Instead, Thomas believed that everyone had the ability to choose good because we were made in God's Image. God is Good, so we are Good.

Okay has anyone picked up on anything yet... I have... turns out that as we continue on ward in this crazy thing called life. More Theologians and Philosophers step up with thier ideas about life. In each one of those guy's idea start to depict the bible and/or God as nothing more than a Super Mall. A place where you can do your one stop shopping and get only what you want. If you don't like the Miracles... then ignore those. If you can't stand the singing... Don't sing. Hey, if you don't really want to do anything... It's okay because GOD is nothing more than a thought. It's crazy to watch our society crumbled in front of my eyes in just a maker of weeks as I go through this class. This class has really questioned a lot of my ways of thinking and yes, my ideas of what the church is teaching. The only thing that seem totally real right now, is my time with God. My time where I bring it to Him real. Where I cry, laugh and yes, even sometimes confuss my stupid "ness" (okay, I had too :) I'm really lucky that I do have my faith and know that God is Real.

Another funny thing I find ... Each guy starting with Plato... all used a Pre-them philosopher's idea -AKA- Blue Print of How to Live and just spiced it up a little. They all added their little flavor of ideas behind the meaning of life but none of them ever seemed to get it right because the philosopher in front them believed they had it right and these guys were wrong. So here is my question... Who really has it right? The Church believes with all their heart that they know it, but when you look into the history of the church. There is a lot of not-so-good things in our closet. We have murdered, killed and even in one point in the history... the priest were selling, "Get into Heaven Free Cards" (indulgence) for just the "Right Price!" All of a sudden my star purchase isn't looking all that bad :).

Now whose right, whose wrong? With all these questions, I find wise words of a pretty amazing woman echoing in my head... "You know... If I am wrong for being a Christian and there really isn't any real point to this life here on earth. Crap... I lived a good life. However, if I am right... I would hate to be that person who thought I was wrong because now they have to explain to God how He's not real! I think that would be harder than just trusting Him here on earth!" (Norma LeLacheur... I miss that lady!)

The other day I got a call from Shawn venting....." Christians and their stupid ways of making the simplest task a stupid revival and/or "Saving Clinic". Like there isn't anything in this world that a Christian can't do before checking in with God. Come on, I think God has better things to do then hear about us moving furniture and washing dishes!"

Now at first I wasn't really sure what to say to him. I just listened and kept my mouth shut. I knew that no matter what I could of said, nothing at that moment would of fixed Shawn's moment of anger. After about thirty minutes of some potty orders and a couple no-so-nice-phrases... I learned Shawn's real issue. Shawn had encountered the dogmatic christian.

See... Shawn was asked to help move this girl from his aunt's church. Everyone had worked for a couple hours straight without eatting and drinking. So when the pizzas showed up, Shawn helped himself and started to eat. Well, just a bit or two into the pizza break, Shawn gets lectured on the importance of praying before eatting and how dare he even think to eat before that. Not wanting to make a scene... he stops eatting for respect but then has to wait another 30+ minutes of people going on and on to God about life! Shawn was a hungry man holding his pizza in hand and now... having to wait for every Tom, Dick and Henry to have thier moment on the soap box pray before eatting. Shawn was pissed!

So what is a dogmatic Christian, well let me enlighten you. It's a Christian that takes God and puts him in a box. It's where you think the only place to worship God is in a church. It's thinking the only mission field on earth is outside of your own home, neighborhood, work place and/or country. It's when I get told by a christian that I'm not a true believer because I drink wine and drink beer. It's when you hear about all these rules and regulations needing to be done before you can ever even think God loves you. It's a Christian that is having some control issues.... That's what I think a true dogmatic Christian is.

In my walk with God, I too have been a victim of the dogmatic christian and their crazy ways of telling me how to believe. I too have found myself sometimes slander by the mouth of a fellow christian. Now don't get me wrong, I think there are times where I don't emanate God's true "poster child" follower, I know this. I'm not prefect by far. Funny thing... GOD knows I'm not prefect and he knows that yes... I Will Sin. Any person that even tries to live life without sin, is living in Sin. Your saying that you can live life without God's forgiveness and true understanding of what the cross means. Your taking God's Bible and making that God. God's more than just some words written in the bible. To me, the bible is the blue print to find God and the person you are to be in His eyes.

So with all that said and after a while of thinking and praying... I told Shawn. "You know, no one can force you into believing or tell you how to love God. That is something you work out with the Big Guy... You work out your own relationship and read/study His word for yourself and stop letting other's teach you the bible. That's when you will start to take control over your own walk and that's when I believe God gives you grace. Plus the next time someone forces you to pray before eatting again... stop them and ask, "Where does it say that in the bible?'"

I think a lot of christians start to loose what Jesus taught. I am guilty of that too and it took a phone call from a friend to make me realize, God is more than just rules and regulations. God is love. God is a chioce. God is well... everything we are not... which is prefect!

Love is in the Air... HOW?

Wrote this awhile ago in my dairy... thought it was good enough to post on here!

This morning was quite a relaxing and lazy morning... I started the day off cooking breakfast and reading, "The Shack". After breakfast and a little mommy/Mylah time...I watched Fireproof.

"Always Remember...A woman is like a Rose... You show her love and compassion, she will bloom. If you don't, she'll wilt."

Sitting there on my couch, comfy with the blanket "Santa Barbara" gave me for Christmas and a pint of "Ben and Jerry's". I can't help but realize my love-life could almost be that movie. I was Catherine, a woman so feed-up with trying to love a man, not wanting to love her. I could understand her hatred towards Caleb. Her lack of faith toward love itself. Then halfway through the movie I lumped myself in with those women gossiping behind Catherine's back and telling her to let go. I wanted her marriage to be over and I wanted reality to take effect. The idea of what "we" as society think about marriage... It's nothing more than just a paper. "Till death do us part" Yeah right... it's more like, till I find something better! Then as I sit there really evaluating my attitude and my bitterness, I noticed that Love in English is confusing. We don't understand love because love, the meaning is so lacking!
Think about it... when we say love... what do we mean?

Our Meaning of LOVE

Love "Man I love the Cowboys!"
Love "I just love how those two colors look together."
Love "I love eating at Scrath!"Love "I love you Mommy!"
Love "I will love you till death do us part!"
LOVE "Jesus LOVES you!"

In first century Jew time, when they talked about love... love meant many different things. Actually there were many different kinds of love
Hebrew Word:
Ahab Spontaneous - impulsive love
Hesed Deliberate choice of affection and kindness
Rahan To have compassion - brotherly love (Friendship love)
Greek Words:
Eros Sensual, Erotic, Sexual, Impulsive Love (What Hollywood portrays love to be!)
philia The love you have toward your spouse, children and friends
Agape divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (no one really can understand this love because this love is what Jesus did for us on the cross)

Can you see where the confusion comes into play. Love was such an important thing that it had many different meanings. Love is huge and important to define. Love is not just a word that should be thrown out like it was candy, at a 4th of July parade. It seems like everyone these days takes love for granted because we just don't really grasp what it is. So the next time you tell someone, "I love you!" Really grasp what your saying... because LOVE is something more amazing than just a little four letter word you can hand out. It's GOD's gift to us!!So use it wisely!!!! AND PROTECT YOUR HEART.. that's where love lies!

The lastest Disease... And I caught it!

Tonight I found myself talking with some "new potentials" about life. Mostly it was Christina's way of getting to know the doctors and lets be real... I wanted to know who was single. Well, everything was going honky-dory. We were laughing, having a great old time. I was being cute and working the moves of "incognito" flirt signals. Then this female doctor came into the conversation, NICE ... this is what we call in the single world, a penis blocker (some call it a more vulgar word, but that's not my style)

Well, she joins in the conversation and this is the exact moment where the "fun life stories" talk turned into family and kids strictly (per female doc... argh). So here we all are sharing our family details. Now everyone in the group is married but two of us. When this fact is mentioned/discovered ... Mrs. Penis Blocker...looks at me and says, "SO your one of those!" A little taken back by what she was implying... I asked... "One of those, what?"

Anyone that knows me, knows I'm pretty cool when it comes to people that are judgemental and can typically keep my cool. However this lady, I don't know why.. maybe it was the smug look or the condesending attitude she spoke with but I wanted to slap her. So in anticipation of her response... my other single partner in the group pipes up... "SINGLE" as he looks at me smiling!

I couldn't believe it.. when did singlehood become an epidemic. Then when did single women become something Married women hated. How am I the enemy to married women? Now praying under my breathe and really just trying to look past her arrogant ways. I found myself shaking my head saying, "It's always interesting to me, how married women like you, spend hours worried about me sleeping with your husband and no time worrying about your husband's needs! Maybe if you were more worried about those needs your husband has and less time worried about my skills in the bedroom... You know, I don't think I would be a threat to you because then... you would know... Your shit Rocks! Plus... I have more class then to mess around with a married man."

After saying something like that, everyone knows that you have to exit the conversation very smoothly and confident to keep your coolness and "awe" factor... however being Christina... what do I do... I straight trip on the chair and fall to my face. Totally mortified and knowing everyone was staring at me. I realized God was humbling me right there!!! It was my moment to calm the air. I looked at the married woman stating, "Come on... that sucked as a "cool" exit! AND really? Are you threatened by me?" She laughed but I could tell, she was still mad at me. Hey... I can't always be pleasing and prefect but I TRY!

The Penis Stratching Post... ME?

This Friday, I spent an amazing night with Jenn tearing up downtown Spokane and then... Goodtymes. Now while we were downtown, we ran into a lot of people that I knew or had known. Jenn, of course ran into one or two men not sure how to handle her. Guys around my sexy Jenn, get a little funny. They get bashful and shy and loose every sense of coolness they thought they had. Jenn... she loves it. Actually I think her sexy goes up a couple more notches with each guy that blushes just looking at her; however, Saturday Jenn met a challenge.

So here we are at O'Doherty's, drinking, laughing and having a gay old time. Mostly "the Jenn" was making little jokes about my attraction to older men or as Jenn likes to say it... "Older Meat!" Well, as we were sitting there, I notice this young guy sitting next to me. He was almost in tears and making this horrid noise after each sip of his drink. Now looking at his drinking in front of him, to the untrained eye (or mine), it looked like some girlie poofy drink. The guy informed me that I was way wrong. It had 7 different hard liqours (Jamenson being one) and a splash of cranberry for color. It sounded nasty... Jenn noticing an opportunity to flirt a little. She jumps on board and uses me as a telephone line to her newest victum. Poor guy didn't know what hit him.... Well, after about 15 lines back and forth... all through christina the newest form of telephoning. The guy found himself blushing, giggling and really lost for words. The Jenn had won and the guy left smiling but reluctant to let Jenn out of his sight. It was funny.

We left O'Doherty's after a few drinks and went to Jimmy'z for a little dancing. Jimmy'z was packed and the bouncer wouldn't let people in. He was hand picking people from the line that he found "worthy". Five people where chosen when Jenn and me got there and we were one of the selected five. Made some people not so happy, seeing they had been waiting for a who knows how long. However, after coming to the conclusion that being pushed, touched and grabbed in "unaccidental" ways from strangers... we decided that Goodtymes would be our next hot spot.

Now when we drive out to Goodtymes, we laugh because we both know that right when we hit the door, we'll hear some flashback to some 80s one-hit wonder song. Even though we know this, we both also know that Goodtymes is always good for a "good time"; however, this time, Goodtymes didn't have a band playing. Actually Goodtymes wasn't the bar we both use to remember. It was full of people dancing to a DJ playing some HipHop song that was recent. Now... I didn't know the song, but Jenn did. So we made a bee line to the floor after getting another drink. Here we are... dancing, laughing and just having a blast. Now some how I was giving off the vibe that I wanted a partner and this very good looking black guy come up behind me. At that moment, I didn't realize it but this guy had the idea of making me "the Penis Stratching Post".

Now a couple of you might be asking... "Christina, what is a Penis Stratching Post?"

Well, glad you asked... let me enlighten you...

It's when a guy comes up behind a girl and rubs his "member" all up on your booty. It almost reminds me of a bear when they use a tree to stratch their backs. It's like these guys forgot the proper way of cleansing themselves and now have an itch they need help getting at. Then for some crazy reason... I look around the bar and realize that "we" (the girls) are competing against each other for just the chance to be a "Penis Stratching Post". ohhh.. if only those women that fought for women rights, would of seen us NOW... "We" would have done them proud! (sarcasm to the fullest!)

I am standing my ground from here on out... I will No longer Be or Accept the role as some stranger's "Penis Stratching Post"; however, if he's my man... I'd better be the only Stratching Post in his life and you better believe, I'll be the best "Penis Stratching Post" he ever had!

Side Note: Last night at Sushi with Jenn,

CHRISTINA: "Why do you think we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts'?"

JENN: "Want to hear something deep? It's because we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts"!

I love that girl!

Staying Bold but I feel Meek.

Have you ever just felt like you hit a wall in life? Like somewhere back in the last few steps on this road of life... You fucked up somewhere and took a wrong turn. (yes... I just typed an unchristian word but that's the only word coming to my mind to explain my situation!!! DEAL... I'm a christian with a potty mouth! God still loves me!!! )

That's my life right now.

God and me... we are fighting on a regular schedule. Then the fights... it's all on some of the most stupidest shit. I get mad because of the rain, my patients are mean, the sun is out but it's colder then heck... and yes... once I got mad over the garbage... That was maybe my lowest moment in "debating history" !

The thing that gets me........I bring everything to God's feet but for some crazy and stupid reason, I don't leave my issues there for God to deal with and let the stuff rest there at his feet. I seem to just bring my problems to God like it's show-and-tell time for ME and once the show is over... Off I go, with all my issues in hand. This is not GOOD!

Why is it, that as humans being we are always looking for something or wanting to stay in control of everything. It's like we are all playing this huge scavenger hunt for "life's happy ending" but no one seems to be winning but those that.... Well, I haven't really found or heard of too many people now-a-days stating thier winning! That's not Good Either.

Now as I rethink about every bible chapter I've read in the bible, each class I've taken on biblical teachings and every sermon preached on Sunday... that I've attended ;) ... they all say the same thing... God is the answer and He will be everything "WE" are not. So when does that come into play? I pray. I worship. I get my butt in the word. I volunteer. I feed the poor and love of the unloved. I believe God is my ultimate provider, healer, the Lord of My life and YES the Lover of my soul... So WHY do I feel so left alone right now.

In the last year, I've gone through a couple of relationships. With every relationship, I've lost a little bit of myself but also learned a little more about myself and became more resilient to people's B.S. On the other hand each guy had a huge toll on my life.

Stephen... I will always love that man and will forever think, what if?

Andy... Not sure how to feel about that one... Mad, Happy, Thankful... yeah, not sure how a lie can be good but I think God used a man's ugly lies to bring me closer to Jesus and what my life means to God. Making me realize that in life, God will be my ultimate Lover of my soul. So I am thankful for that new awareness of love but the roller coaster ride and all the time I wasted, I'm still mad, pissed, angry and yes... even sad. It's interesting how fast love can turn into hate... like there is this little tight rope between the two and I've fallen into hate. My mother was right... to hate someone, does take more time... then to just not care. I can't wait for God and me to work this one out.

Then finally Aaron, my best friend of ten years... what an amazing man but I just can't do it. I don't know why? Maybe I am selfish with my time now due to Andy. I spent so many hours talking and thinking about Andy, that I lost precious moments in my own life and it effected my duaghter too. Now, I seem to ration out my time, in fear that I will be taken over again by some amazing story teller, with a fabulous gift of charm. ahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know anymore!

What I do know... God wants me to reconnect with Him. Find my way back to actually letting go of those issues I bring up in my little "show and tell" shows with God. I need to find my way back to being that child like christian... the one that knew with all my heart, "God's got this!" When I finally get back to that moment in time again, and let God do God-Work in me and through me... That's when I think I'll find my way back to where I need to be... RIGHT AT GOD'S FEET waiting to hear about His next work He needs me to do in His glory!

God is good! I'm just His terrible Two child that has to always test my boundaries. WHY? The question I think God will ask me when we meet.

On a side note... Thank you to Jenn and Nicole... We guys have been so amazing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you both in my life! I Love you BOTH!

Men... Toys or Soul Mates!

Tonight was the annual... yeah... annual isn't the right word... It was Girls Night.This happens more enough then just once a year... so let's just call it GIRLS NIGHT! Basically a couple of my sexy friends get together and love on each other like crazy. We reconnect and even sometimes, boost each other up from a nasty break up or bad boyfriend issues. What ever the occasion is for us to get together... I live for these moments with my girlfriends.

Personally speaking, God sent me some awesome women in my life. Each one is amazing and each one is totally a man's dream come true but for some crazy reason, most of them don't find that Mr. Prince Charming. Most of my friends... convince themselves that they are okay with being alone and they are okay with guys stepping all over them. Most of them tell me in a very convincing manner and yet, not really that convincing ... "I'm okay with knowing I'm single!"

Me on the other... I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with a guy not realizing how amazing my friends are and how lucky these guys are to have my friend's in their life. I'm not okay with my girls thinking that it's okay to be that "strong" to not need a man. It's not... none of that is okay. Women were made for companionship. God made us from man's rib bone because every other animal that was already made from the earth... didn't fit right next to man... SO God knew the only thing that would fit next to man, was something made from man. We were made to be the companion to men, which in turn means... somewhere out there, some man is missing a rib bone and that rib bone is in one of my amazing friends!

I just wish sometimes, my friends would really grasp how amazing "WE" are. We weren't made of this earth! We weren't made first, so that just means that all the flaws God made in man... were fixed in us. We continue life.. We are the glue to the each and every family we are part of and I don't care what society tries to make us believe about ourselves... We are more then just pretty faces, small waist sizes and most of all... we are so much more in God's eyes! When God created us... He created Man's better half! Embrace that and realize... You matter as a woman!

Another thing... No man can love you unless he knows Jesus/God because God is LOVE! It's that simple... if the guy tells you he loves you... Stop him and ask him how his walk is. That will tell you what that love is he has for you!