**NEW FLASH** I'm Ugly!

Today... class, hmm what to say but "What the Fudge Cycles" are we "the christian" coming too.

I was presented different ways of how people interpreted Jesus' "Death and Resurrection" I never really thought about how many different ways there where of actually seeing this moment in time, but there are. Now with each different point of view, there also seems to be people standing right there in the way, protesting. So in a class of about 28 people, totally amped on Starbucks' coffee and fast food from Jack in the Crack, there seemed to be line that separated the group into many other different groups. It wasn't hard for this class to accept that Christ lived but to say He actually died and then came back to life again. That my friends.... was what broke the camels back in my class today. What go me and I found almost humorous...was the fact that just on Weds, we were talking about God bring back Lazarus and those other two people back from death. With those miracles, it didn't really make a difference or spark any kind of interest to really debate the facts. It happened... we all agree but the second Jesus, the Son of Man did this... That was a different story.

WHY? That's all I could think of during the debate.

So my teacher, who has a doctrine and I think loves these moments where we the pupils become more than just empty souls in a seat doing our time. He breaks us up into groups. My group... once again... interesting mix of life and beliefs. I got the high school jock, which I have to say is very beautiful specimen of manhood to look at. He is also my neighbor during class, so we already know about where we both stand on God and Jesus. Then I have Bob, again... Love Bob... He's just so funny. Then there are two other women, the over-churched Catholic, who converted to who knows what religion but she has seen the light. Now she feels this need to save every person under the sun, due to her own quota she has made herself. Or as one of my good friend Shawna would say, She only needs that one more soul and she gets that toaster oven. Now I know that is bad to say and I will get a lot of slack for saying that but really... This lady and me... We went toe to toe today. Today...for the first time ever in my life, I spoke up against another believer. I told her she was wrong. Typically this is not something I do because of my lack of knowledge of the bible, plus I also feel threatened and intimidated by other Christians. I always think... "Oh man, if they only know who I was" **BIG SIGH** So today... me standing up... it gave me a little bit of empowering moment. A little bit of a "wait" God can use me.

So what happened... this might be the question entering your head... Let me enlighten you on Christina's, "hey... I don't suck that bad" moment.

Here we are in the group given two questions, what do you think the resurrection is and is it still important today? Now when I first read this, I thought, "heck yeah!" The resurrection in my mind displays what it means to be a follower of Christ. You must die to the world but become one in Jesus. Now I may not saying, go out and kill yourself in God's name but the idea is this... Basically don't get so wrapped up in the world around you, meaning worldly treasures and gossip but instead keep your eye on the prize, which is Christ. I also believe the resurrection shows the world, that even though Jesus may have died on the cross, Jesus overcame death. In short, God overcame Satan. Satan's hold on us is death. Satan brought death to us when he persuaded Eve and Adam to eat from the tree. So Jesus came to reverse what Satan had done in the Garden of Eden. So to me... the resurrection needed to happen in order for us to have a chance at eternal life with God. Then lastly... I believe the resurrection proved that everything in Jesus' ministry was "The Truth." It was the last "Stamp of Approval" needed for anyone that was on the fence about who Jesus was.

So here we go into this debate, we all share and of course, Darin... Man I love this guy. He goes into one of his stories... Darin, he's only 25 but he reminds me of an old man reminiscing about his younger years. Now Darin gives his thoughts and raises up the question, do you think our world would be different had Jesus not come back? Would we even be in this class? Do you think Jesus would of even been remembered? WOW... I was dumbfounded because those thoughts never crossed my mind. I mean Jesus never coming back from the dead... this just didn't even seem likely in the way I was taught. Actually the more I sat there really just ingesting those thoughts, I realized that everyone of us in this classroom, in little old Spokane, could agree only agree on one thing. That thing... Jesus... We all believe Jesus lived. We all believe that He did miracles and as a group we all believe He was hung in Jerusalem but no matter what, we all had different thoughts about Jesus' resurrection. Darin basically was asking, Why is the resurrection important and why so many different beliefs and religions?

Now my thoughts about religion are different from many people's... I don't really think there is one true religion, actually I don't think there is really one! I know bold statement to say but really, when you think back to even the earlier days of Christ time... there were 5 groups of Jews. The Essen, the Pharisees, The Sadducee's, the Scribes and I can't remember the last one... Now with each group comes different religion/rules to live by. Now let's fast forward to today... The Sadducee's disappeared right after the Temple was destroyed 70AD. This group was so wrapped up in the temple and what it represented... that once the temple was destroyed. Peace OUT Sadducee's. Now the rest of the groups, I'm not a 100% if there all gone today but I can say one thing I know for sure... Their not doing things like the first century Jew was. Their outlook of the bible changed and with change comes different thoughts of religion. So religion to me, is like my brother shopping in a Super Mall... He goes into the mall with expectations. He has his list and knows exactly what he is in search for before even hitting the lock button on his key chain.

We as a society shop for religion like that. If you don't like the music at a Baptist church because it's too loud and rowdy... you'll find a church which suits your liking. So to me... religion is nothing more than someone's shopping list of things they want Jesus and/or the bible to represent in their life. I share this thought to my group and wow... The reaction I got from the over-church catholic was crazy! She looks at me and says, "Sorry to tell you this, but only through Jesus can you make it to Christ... so it really doesn't matter what's on your shopping list... if you don't believe in Jesus... You aren't going to Heaven." Now I agree with her and don't really rebuke her statement at all but when she started naming off the religions that were heading to Hell. That's when I spoke up. That's when Catholic girl and me... WE WENT TO WAR! Honestly, had it been up to her today and had she had the authority... I think I might of been crucified today. It was nuts... SO after hearing her tell me in more than just one or two scriptures, "how wrong I was in my way of thinking." I stopped her...

"It doesn't really matter what you think your Contribution to this world is or how you spread Jesus' story or what song you sing on Sunday, what makers more than all that... is if God can use you and right now... Your being very Ugly." I walked away before I could really get a rebuttal and honestly... I don't think I was being that pretty either. I am grateful for this moment today, it made me stop and think.... "When I am being UGLY... what good am I to God?" I'm not... so even in those moments where I let my temper take over and let my words over take my judgement... I really do need to find a moment to reflect and realize, I'm still God's and if there is something Ugly in my past, meaning a fight, a sin or anything... I need to make it right. I need to come forth and admit... "Hey, I was being Ugly here and I'm sorry!" Hmmm.... as I think about this more... the more I realize... there are a lot of ugly areas in my life that I need to address and a lot of moments where I need to let GOD take over. It's so nice to know, that where I lack "Beauty", God can come in and make it Right.

Interesting to think... this all started by just asking a question.

My little Gabby Moment.

So let's break it down...

In about 6 hours, I should be waking up to get ready for class.

In about 7 hours, I will be turning in a paper that I have yet to even start.

In about 8 hours, if not less... I will be in a classroom falling asleep probably because I lacked the better judgement of writing my paper and then sleep! NO.... I decided to write a BLOG! What can I say... when my mind starts going... It's off on the ride of ideas that I just have to share with the world.

Things that brought some new insight on my world...

"What makes us human is not our mind but our heart, not our ability to think but our ability to love." Henri Nouwen

When I read this, it brought me back to a NICU room with my friend Tammy. I there to meet beautiful Gabby. Tammy's preemie baby girl born with Gastroschisis, otherwise known as the "inside out baby" disease. At first sight, I found my sympathetic words for grief, over-taking the blessings that should of been coming out of my mouth in my "I'm so happy for you" speech. I found it hard to understand how any mother could feel like this is blessing. I found it hard to understand how Tammy felt. I really felt sorry for both Tammy and Gabby, so much that I found it hard to be around. Sad... I know. However, at Gabby's first birthday... That little girl taught me so much about life. As I sat there watching this amazing family, who just a couple years earlier, found it hard to talk to each other because drugs, fighting and everything else the world sends in to destroy families... This little Gabby, who in the eyes of the world had more disabilities than abilities, brought a family back to life. She saved a mother from herself, a father from himself and a grandmother. This little pint size version of my Tammy, brought me to my knees asking for forgiveness. Gabby became more than those disabilities in my eyes, she became that beautiful little baby every mother would love to have.

In a recent Blog of Tammy's... she wrote

SO, I AM A VERY PROUD MOTHER. MY DAUGHTER IS 26 MONTHS OLD, SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, EVERYTHING GOOD IN LIFE I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT HER. SHE HAS MULTIPLE DISABILITIES BUT SHE IS STILL THE BEST BABY THAT I COULD EVER ASK FOR. SHE IS ALWAYS SO HAPPY AND LAUGHS AT NOTHING OR MAYBE EVERYTHING. MY DAUGHTER HAS TAUGHT ME THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS!!!

Now Tammy and me have been through so much together. When my mom throw me out of my house at 16, Tammy's and her family opened their house to me as a home. We did everything together, from stalking boys ~ to ~ staying at home watching movies. We were the typical "Yogie Bear and Boo Boo" duo. She became the sister I never had and I loved her for the craziness she brought out in me; however, Tammy only stood at a height of 5.2 (she'd say something like 5.2 and 3/4, if you ask her) but even though she was literally almost a foot shorter than me. She's the biggest person I know. She might be 5.2 but in my eyes... she is more like 10 feet tall. I learn so much through her and Gabby.

So when I read that little statement, I couldn't help but go back to that moment... when I myself realized. A person isn't a person because of what they can do or have... a person is a person only by what they can offer the world in joy, happiness and servant hood. That smile on Gabby's face, no money or PhD could not bring as much joy to the world as she does!

I love you Tammy. Give Gabby a kiss for me and thank you.

Did She Just Say That?!?!?

My class... it's been interesting. Actually it's been funny.



See my teacher looks like a Jewish priest and dresses like one too but I think he is Protestant preacher. I don't really know for sure but he is funny. To hear him talk about Jesus is awesome. I can't seem to get enough of Jesus. It's like Jesus is my obsession in life. I really just love hearing, talking and learning all I can about this 2000 year old story. I love it; however, my joy for this class isn't really shared among my peers. Actually at any given time during class, you will find one person nodding off to sleep. Then towards the end of class, about half the class is nodding.



Not me, I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yes I know... Christina is showing her nerdy-ness but I just love this class. In all my other classes: English, math, law, accounting... basically everything else... I'm the head nodder. :) I am the one the teacher is scolding with her eyes to stay wake... for the first time in my life, I am the teacher's pet! I've officially earned my brown-nosing badge of honor.



Towards the end of every class, Mr. Dolan decides to finally throw in the towel with lecturing because half the class is asleep. He puts us in small groups to discuss pretty much everything under the sun that has to do with Jesus. My group... An interesting group! Have one guy who shared the first day of class, the only reason he has any knowledge about the bible.... is due to dating preacher's daughters. (SIDE NOTE: Mr. Dolan... he's a preacher... He has a daughter! Awesome moment when that all came together! Priceless). Then there is Bob... totally funny OLD man. I want to say he is in his 60s, and he relives the 70s almost everyday of his life. He's pretty funny and very random with his thoughts. Then we have two other women, one a very timid, shy soccer mom. She has grown up in the church all her life and it shows! The other lady, totally a kick in the pants... very sweet and out spoken, but is very sweet when she insults you. Example... "Well, that's a nice thought but your wrong!" I really like my group a lot and think that we have a good mesh of people from all walks of life.


So last night our group discussions were about our Philip Yancey Papers. Now Philip Yancey wrote this book called, "The Jesus I never Knew!" I love it. Personally I recommend this book but you can't borrow mine... My copy looks like I went to war on this book with a highlighter and post-it notes. Yes... I know... DORKY! Well when we were given time to talk about this book, you know I was just dying to unleash all my crazy ideas on my peers. Funny thing, I wasn't alone on this thought process. Everyone in the group had pages and pages of things they wanted to share and discuss. Now during these little meetings, a person is not suppose to wear their heart on their sleeve because some feelers will be hurt that way.



SO.... my little timid, shy soccer mom... Yeah..... not so timid! She showed a side of her that shocked the group and let us know... she has boundaries and one was crossed! What was it... the question on weather or not Jesus existed. Did he really live? Was he really the only Son of Man? How can we tell the gospels are reliable, since they were written years after Jesus' was died? Those were just some of the questions that brought out the spark in my little timid mom.



Now personally, I believe the bible. I think its a little hard to discredit the Gospel for a couple of reasons.

• First, you have four different guys telling the same stories but different. Now even though it seems like Matthew, Luke and John had Marks to use as a reference point. Each Gospel still has their own uniqueness to the story. Which to me, says... this is what happened but just from four different perspectives. Now had Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, all said the same story with the same details... that's when I might of questioned the reliability of the Gospels being true.


• Second, this was a very oral culture. Their way of sharing past history was telling stories. The had a knack for telling stories and remembering them perfectly. Plus paper was expensive back then, so when people wanted to learn the bible. They had to go to synagogue and read the bible there. Well, they would memorize a part of the bible to study and share at home. So remembering details... not an issue for this culture.


• Third and this is huge!!! My mom always told me. A lie never goes down in history without being uncovered. A lie never lives that long. The truth though... that can live forever and till this day, the bible is still the number one book being sold. It's in almost every language spoken. To me, that's a huge statement in itself.

With all that being said, a couple of people in my group still found the story of Jesus really hard to believe and take to heart. So a boundary was crossed in my group and we were off on a whirl wind of arguing and bullying ideas on each other. Now with each thought being thrown out, the conversation was getting more heated and hostile. Then it occurred to me, right there in front of me.... was the number one reason why people in Israel are fighting. Right there in front were 4 people educated in business and marketing, finding it hard to share thier feelings without stepping on someone else's toe.

Now I'm not big on forcing anyone into believing. I will share with you my thoughts (hense the blog) and I'll answer questions, but you will not get me fighting or screaming about Jesus, God or the Bible. I think that is very conterproductive and won't get any good results. So I found this little fight, a little funny and I took the seat as the watchful on-looker scoring each person on thier debating skills.

As I watch the talk get heavier and more heated. I heard the one thing that always gets me laughing when I hear a Christian say it. "Well, you believe there is air don't you? Then why don't you believe in Jesus?" Okay.... really... at what point in the Christian religion did this become our last resort argument? When did we start comparing Jesus and his existence to a compound of two oxygen molecules? Right when I hear that... I started laughing. Which brought the whole class' attention on me. OOPS! I couldn't help it, I think it's funny how bad we try to prove something that doesn't need to be proven. God is everywhere, if your blinders are shut to that reality. Their shut. To me... Jesus is real and honestly, it's a little hard to ignore him forever. Believe me I tried. I think that when a person is ready. God will call them finally to Him! That's all that matters. I just need to pray and love on them. That's all I am suppose to do. However... I do still get a chuckle at the oxygen comment as I type this. **LAUGHING** Sometimes... I think we try way too hard to make sense of everything.

Parenthood... Love it or Hate it?

My daughter is the joy of my life. Watching her grow into a toddler has brought out so many different emotions out of me that honestly... trying to sum up one year in a 30 minute conversation... It wouldn't happen. I don't think even a weekend retreat, could even touch on how much one year of Mylah's life, has changed my life daily. The way I think. The things I do. Basically every aspect of my life is centered around that little pint size version of me, with a tan. I love motherhood and wouldn't trade it for anything.

However... I do remember a time, right before I accept my fate of becoming a mother where I was scared. I was totally freaked out. The selfish part of me was scared that I was losing my freedom. Actually with the parenthood... there is this false fear of loosing freedom. I remember Stephen telling me once, "I love you Christina, but I don't know if I can handle being a dad!" That moment in my life, cut me to the core. That little moment in time, that moment in front of a choice, "HIM or Mylah!" Made me realize that being a mother would always come before any of my own self interests. That little girl of mine... she would be my number one. That to me is what parenthood is all about. Your children become the essense of your being. My joy in life... is seeing that little girl smile and laugh. Seeing her master a 100 piece puzzle or doing a silly little dance to the veggie tale song. Watching her grow and knowing that I am parenting to the best of my ability... that is parenting.

At work, I met the other parent. The parent that could careless about her childs cry and hardship. Who found the idea of a doctor visit, a totally unnessary visit even though the child showed totally signs of being deathly ill. As I watched a little child suffer and knew from the bottom of my heart... this could of all been prevented had the parent done normal check-ups with a family doctor. My anger for this parent grew out of control. :(

I just don't understand our society anymore. We are so quick to discard a child because of the strain the child plays on our freedom. We are even quicker to send our parents to retirement communities because we don't know how to talk to them anymore or care for them. What happened to the family values? What happened to parents? Everyday at work has gotten harder and harder but today... it was the hardest because as I sat there with this child, totally hurting and in tears... I watched a parent hush her child so she could watch T.V. What killed me more... was knowing that we were going to be discharging this child back to this "unworthy" parent. Our society has not only gotten to the point where we don't seem to care but hey... if you do care, "here! we'll give you a pill to take the emotion away." ARGH!

It just makes me so mad. There are so many people who want kids but can't. Then I see these parents and think to myself... "Really?!?!? God are you serious?" I just don't understand but I still find myself praying for this family and knowing... God will intervien. He always does... just sometimes... I wish HE worked on my clock.

The Jesus I Never Knew... hmmm

This quarter at Whitworth, I am taking "The life teachings of Jesus" as my biblical lit requirement. I've only been in the class for a week or so but have found myself already thinking, "Wow, Jesus was real?!?!" Now some people reading this might think... "Christina are you serious? Your a Christian, right?!?!" Well, I am a Christian and yes, I have heard in the few years of being a Christian, that Jesus was a real man. However, when you read and study the bible... sometimes it's hard to over look the "magic", "the Umph factor", heck to actually stop and realize that this $70-leather-bond-bible with my name in graved in it... is really just a history book about the past. The bible portrays God as a human in four books, Matthew, Luke, Mark and John. (totally out of order to bother people **SMILES**)

Maybe that is my own issue but I realize in the last few class times, that I put Jesus up in this "Walt Disney, Magical, absolutely amazing, Alpha human" category in my head. It was like Jesus is the Prince Charming in all my childhood princess stories. He was the hero in every Heman, G.I. Joe or any other cartoon series I can think of. Jesus in my eyes was so amazing, so exquisite, so totally real that I found it hard to actually comprehend that he was real. That he actually walked this earth.

The more my teacher puts up pictures of Jerusalem, Israel, and every other ruined, dirty filled city from the time period of Jesus. The more I come to grips with the fact that Jesus was real. The more I come to really grasp how amazing that little history book called the bible is. It's like Jesus went from being some Super Hero in my eyes, to being even more amazing and real. Then it gets me thinking....

When people sit there and question the "realness" of the bible (yes I am guilty of this myself), this history book of real-life soap operas, amazing miracles and little laws about how to love and live. I can't help but think, there is no way anyone could make this up and if they did. Wouldn't they have had Jesus talking to more upstanding citizens, rather than the poor and "common" folk. Wouldn't there be more "warm fuzzy stories" in the bible to appeal to the crowds. Then something else that just got brought to my attention, had someone made up these stories. Jesus wouldn't be talking to any women in the bible. Jesus wouldn't of talked to the woman at the well. Let another woman wash his feet. Let the women be the first to the tomb for Jesus' resurrection. Women wouldn't be in those amazing moments at all. Now I am not saying talking to women is bad (hello I am one **WINK**) but back in the day and still to this day... Women are not regarded as great prizes or worth talking too in that country.

So as I hear my classmates question the bibles facts and why some books were left out. I found this little voice in side that wanted to say... "If Jesus wasn't real and the bible was made up... then what are we looking at in those pictures? What is it about this little piece of sand and dirty property that everyone wants? How is it, that a man that lived 2000 years ago is such a huge topic of subject? Then why is it that we tell time by Jesus' birth? If this man isn't true and the bible is nothing more than a fairy tale.... why are so many people touched by it everyday? Why are we all in this class, spending a arm and leg on this education debating about someone that supposedly didn't live in your mind?" I never said any of that but in my mind... all I could think is, "Man... Jesus is Real!" That just trips me out.

So with every debate that I will have in this class. With every thought that I will bring out of this class. I don't think anything will effect me as much as that moment, when I realized and excepted the fact... Jesus lived here on earth. When that thought becomes real in a person... that's when some of the stories in the bible come alive with more "Umph". That's when Jesus' death becomes more than just that cross around my neck. His pain becomes real and his tears become real. Jesus became someone more than just a story to me this week.

Love... An EMOTION or A DECISION

A couple weeks ago, I was listening to Air1 as I was getting ready for work. Scott, the morning DJ made a statement about Love being a Decision a person takes on. Love was nothing more than a person saying to themselves, "you know I am committing to this __________ (*insert whatever it is that your little heart desires ) till the end." So this got me thinking and asking God a couple of questions.

Love... is it an emotion that people just experience and lose over time or is Love a decision to commit till the end, no matter what? Do people really love each other past the honeymoon stage of a relationship or when they loose those butterflies they get from the other person, do they loose that love? Then if they can lose that love, what keeps couples together past the silver and gold anniversaries? Is it really just a decision they took on? Has love become something so intangible that we have lost what great romantic writers use to write about? My favorite movie, "The Notebook" depicts a love that is above all loves. A love that shines till the end, even through dementia. Basically the movie teaches that LOVE concurs all obstacles in life. So was the movie really depicting an amazing view of what we WISH Love was?

I don't know but it did get thinking though, so what does this girl do... I go right to the Big Man and the Bible. I read up on all the verses that I could find that even mention the word love. In the bible I found Love to be both a decision and emotion. The more I read on it, the more I learned... You really can't have love without both, THE DECISION TO LOVE and THE EMOTION TO LOVE. I think that is why love is so hard to describe. So I started my research right at the beginning and one of the famous verses ever...

‘For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.'

This is an example of LOVE as a decision and a emotion. God loves us so much that He made the decision that HIS SON, was going to pay for my sins. That's one decision I don't know I could ever make as a mother; however, if you look at this verse as an emotion... you see that GOD loves us so much. Emotion according to the webster on-line dictionary is having any kind of strong feelings. Well, think about it... if God didn't have a Strong feeling in us believing in HIM... why would He of sent Jesus to the cross to die such a horrific death? So this to me proves LOVE is both an emotion and a decision.

THEN....

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.



When you read this verse... it doesn't mention anything about the warm fuzzies, the butterflies, the weak knees or in my case... the prima grin I get when I even think of ANDY. So what in the world am I feeling lately... I love Andy, with all my heart and know that God gave me Andy to love. God gave me two amazing little girls to love, Mylah and Maria. God gave me one amazing family and friends to love. Lately... God has been handing me so many people to love, that I am wondering. Love is really more than just a decision and an emotion. Love is having God in your life. LOVE is knowing without a doubt and fear, that GOD is with you. That every person you see on the street, work, school or meet over the Internet... is someone GOD loves. That's someone God sent your way to LOVE. God is LOVE... now I could go through every verse that I read and prove this over and over again but really... it's just that simple. LOVE IS GOD...



1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

LOVE to me is something amazing. Its the one thing in the world that money can't buy, no one can take it away and you never owe on it; however, if your not careful with your Love/ Heart. You can lose more than just your time in that person. You could lose everything that is you, so like Pastor Vaughn tells us every chance he gets. Protect your heart. Protect your LOVE. It's the one part of your body that shows the true you, plus that's GOD's Home in YOU. So like you protect your worldly things with alarms, home security systems and guns... what are you doing to protect the LOVE in you. How do you grow in your LOVE? Then the people that God sends for you to LOVE... do they feel that LOVE? I hope that everyone in my life knows I love them, if don't... I'm Sorry and promise to address that.