Staying Bold but I feel Meek.

Have you ever just felt like you hit a wall in life? Like somewhere back in the last few steps on this road of life... You fucked up somewhere and took a wrong turn. (yes... I just typed an unchristian word but that's the only word coming to my mind to explain my situation!!! DEAL... I'm a christian with a potty mouth! God still loves me!!! )

That's my life right now.

God and me... we are fighting on a regular schedule. Then the fights... it's all on some of the most stupidest shit. I get mad because of the rain, my patients are mean, the sun is out but it's colder then heck... and yes... once I got mad over the garbage... That was maybe my lowest moment in "debating history" !

The thing that gets me........I bring everything to God's feet but for some crazy and stupid reason, I don't leave my issues there for God to deal with and let the stuff rest there at his feet. I seem to just bring my problems to God like it's show-and-tell time for ME and once the show is over... Off I go, with all my issues in hand. This is not GOOD!

Why is it, that as humans being we are always looking for something or wanting to stay in control of everything. It's like we are all playing this huge scavenger hunt for "life's happy ending" but no one seems to be winning but those that.... Well, I haven't really found or heard of too many people now-a-days stating thier winning! That's not Good Either.

Now as I rethink about every bible chapter I've read in the bible, each class I've taken on biblical teachings and every sermon preached on Sunday... that I've attended ;) ... they all say the same thing... God is the answer and He will be everything "WE" are not. So when does that come into play? I pray. I worship. I get my butt in the word. I volunteer. I feed the poor and love of the unloved. I believe God is my ultimate provider, healer, the Lord of My life and YES the Lover of my soul... So WHY do I feel so left alone right now.

In the last year, I've gone through a couple of relationships. With every relationship, I've lost a little bit of myself but also learned a little more about myself and became more resilient to people's B.S. On the other hand each guy had a huge toll on my life.

Stephen... I will always love that man and will forever think, what if?

Andy... Not sure how to feel about that one... Mad, Happy, Thankful... yeah, not sure how a lie can be good but I think God used a man's ugly lies to bring me closer to Jesus and what my life means to God. Making me realize that in life, God will be my ultimate Lover of my soul. So I am thankful for that new awareness of love but the roller coaster ride and all the time I wasted, I'm still mad, pissed, angry and yes... even sad. It's interesting how fast love can turn into hate... like there is this little tight rope between the two and I've fallen into hate. My mother was right... to hate someone, does take more time... then to just not care. I can't wait for God and me to work this one out.

Then finally Aaron, my best friend of ten years... what an amazing man but I just can't do it. I don't know why? Maybe I am selfish with my time now due to Andy. I spent so many hours talking and thinking about Andy, that I lost precious moments in my own life and it effected my duaghter too. Now, I seem to ration out my time, in fear that I will be taken over again by some amazing story teller, with a fabulous gift of charm. ahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know anymore!

What I do know... God wants me to reconnect with Him. Find my way back to actually letting go of those issues I bring up in my little "show and tell" shows with God. I need to find my way back to being that child like christian... the one that knew with all my heart, "God's got this!" When I finally get back to that moment in time again, and let God do God-Work in me and through me... That's when I think I'll find my way back to where I need to be... RIGHT AT GOD'S FEET waiting to hear about His next work He needs me to do in His glory!

God is good! I'm just His terrible Two child that has to always test my boundaries. WHY? The question I think God will ask me when we meet.

On a side note... Thank you to Jenn and Nicole... We guys have been so amazing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you both in my life! I Love you BOTH!