Get BIT... Pastor Vaughn Bible Intensive Teachings. This months Get Bit... Marriage.
Now when I signed up, I was happily involved with Andy. I wanted to learn how to be that amazing Christian wife to Andy. We were talking about marriage and even daydreaming about how amazing it would be, to actually have that 1950s "Leave to Beaver" family. We both really thought that our relationship was from God. This was it... this was the real thing and we both prayed very diligently about it. So when Andy wrote after his mom died, that he wasn't coming back to Spokane and needed to be with his father in Idaho. My little world... the one I had created in my head, came falling down all around me. I felt lost and not really sure what to do or say. It was the worst feeling in the world. I found myself crying in the worst awkward moments and watched my smile, slowly disappear off my face. It was like I was shriveling up all possibilities of Love, Joy and Happiness in my life.
Now being Christina... what do I do... I pull away from any emotional reminders. I hide all feelings of being hurt and make myself so busy that actually having to stop to think. Was not really an option. This being the reason why all my prayers have seemed like quick stops on a road trip. I go to God with so many questions, that by the time my "Prayer stop-watch" goes off... There was no time to reflect. I was off the Big Guy's Couch before He could really get a word in.
Well Pastor Vaughn being totally a gift from God in my life, starts the class off with, "So you might not like this Get Bit because we aren't having any small group chats and I won't be teaching you everything... most of the time here, in this Get Bit... You will be spending it with God in prayer."
"WHAT?!?!?!?" This was the last thing I wanted to do... instantly, my eyes had to have shown all my fear and my palms started to sweat. I didn't want to go into prayer... I didn't want to sit in a corner and talk with God... I wanted to be in my little world of busyness and just forget about these last few days. Just act like they never happened. I wanted to wait to pray till I, ME, and MYSELF was ready to talk. So as Pastor Vaughn talks about marriage, my mind is distracted of what I am going to say to God or how I am going to explain all my actions lately. I wasn't focused at all. Even in the book where we were suppose to answer questions about marriage... I found my notebook being filled with all those questions of doubt I have about LOVE and not a single answer to those important questions. It seemed that my only interest was trying to disprove this thing called marriage and prove to myself... I wasn't made for it.
Which is crazy I know.... But that's was what I was doing.
Now when I signed up, I was happily involved with Andy. I wanted to learn how to be that amazing Christian wife to Andy. We were talking about marriage and even daydreaming about how amazing it would be, to actually have that 1950s "Leave to Beaver" family. We both really thought that our relationship was from God. This was it... this was the real thing and we both prayed very diligently about it. So when Andy wrote after his mom died, that he wasn't coming back to Spokane and needed to be with his father in Idaho. My little world... the one I had created in my head, came falling down all around me. I felt lost and not really sure what to do or say. It was the worst feeling in the world. I found myself crying in the worst awkward moments and watched my smile, slowly disappear off my face. It was like I was shriveling up all possibilities of Love, Joy and Happiness in my life.
Now being Christina... what do I do... I pull away from any emotional reminders. I hide all feelings of being hurt and make myself so busy that actually having to stop to think. Was not really an option. This being the reason why all my prayers have seemed like quick stops on a road trip. I go to God with so many questions, that by the time my "Prayer stop-watch" goes off... There was no time to reflect. I was off the Big Guy's Couch before He could really get a word in.
Well Pastor Vaughn being totally a gift from God in my life, starts the class off with, "So you might not like this Get Bit because we aren't having any small group chats and I won't be teaching you everything... most of the time here, in this Get Bit... You will be spending it with God in prayer."
"WHAT?!?!?!?" This was the last thing I wanted to do... instantly, my eyes had to have shown all my fear and my palms started to sweat. I didn't want to go into prayer... I didn't want to sit in a corner and talk with God... I wanted to be in my little world of busyness and just forget about these last few days. Just act like they never happened. I wanted to wait to pray till I, ME, and MYSELF was ready to talk. So as Pastor Vaughn talks about marriage, my mind is distracted of what I am going to say to God or how I am going to explain all my actions lately. I wasn't focused at all. Even in the book where we were suppose to answer questions about marriage... I found my notebook being filled with all those questions of doubt I have about LOVE and not a single answer to those important questions. It seemed that my only interest was trying to disprove this thing called marriage and prove to myself... I wasn't made for it.
Which is crazy I know.... But that's was what I was doing.
Now Pastor Vaughn is totally emphasizes over and over again... Women... we were made for man to marry. Our whole being here on life, was to be married and to be joined with a man. Woman in Hebrew is Ish-shah (ee-SHAH), which also means wife. So when they were translating the bible from Hebrew to English, the scribes had to decide throughout the bible whether to write woman or wife. Basically in English or Christina terms WOMAN = WIFE! That's it... And that was something I was really fighting with.
Fast Forward....The last 30 minutes of class, Pastor Vaughn wanted us to do some concentrated prayer. Basically... mix Yoga, with some breathing techniques and emptying of your mind of any crazy thought or thoughts in my case... And there in the middle of this relaxed moment... you sit down with the Big Guy and LISTEN! No talking, no praying for wants, needs or Questions... just listening... Chillin' with the Big Guy... Muted. Yeah... I've never done this and to tell you the truth... I didn't think there was any way to turn my mind off. Heck, trying to sleep the last few nights has been Hell (it's a biblical word) because I can't stop thinking.
Well, after a quick pee break... I find myself upstairs in a pew. There are other people throughout the church and everyone seems to have found their comfort position to pray. Me... I can't get comfy. My phone seems to bother me in my pocket. Then my keys... then it didn't matter how I laid my head on the pew seat... nothing seemed to really make me relax. I was so tense and on the verge of giving up, when I saw Manito Park in my mind. I actually saw the little butterfly garden they have up there and this little bench. Then on the bench... sat Jesus. It was interesting because I am a sucker for details, but for the first time in my life... I didn't care about the details. I didn't really care what His face looked like and didn't even notice the clothes... all I know, was He was Jesus and I was sitting next Him. Now don't get me wrong... it was hard keeping that image in my mind, without other thoughts trying to over take mind but when I was able to grasp it for a couple of minutes here and there. It was amazing.
Fast Forward....The last 30 minutes of class, Pastor Vaughn wanted us to do some concentrated prayer. Basically... mix Yoga, with some breathing techniques and emptying of your mind of any crazy thought or thoughts in my case... And there in the middle of this relaxed moment... you sit down with the Big Guy and LISTEN! No talking, no praying for wants, needs or Questions... just listening... Chillin' with the Big Guy... Muted. Yeah... I've never done this and to tell you the truth... I didn't think there was any way to turn my mind off. Heck, trying to sleep the last few nights has been Hell (it's a biblical word) because I can't stop thinking.
Well, after a quick pee break... I find myself upstairs in a pew. There are other people throughout the church and everyone seems to have found their comfort position to pray. Me... I can't get comfy. My phone seems to bother me in my pocket. Then my keys... then it didn't matter how I laid my head on the pew seat... nothing seemed to really make me relax. I was so tense and on the verge of giving up, when I saw Manito Park in my mind. I actually saw the little butterfly garden they have up there and this little bench. Then on the bench... sat Jesus. It was interesting because I am a sucker for details, but for the first time in my life... I didn't care about the details. I didn't really care what His face looked like and didn't even notice the clothes... all I know, was He was Jesus and I was sitting next Him. Now don't get me wrong... it was hard keeping that image in my mind, without other thoughts trying to over take mind but when I was able to grasp it for a couple of minutes here and there. It was amazing.
The funny thing... I didn't say anything. Not one word... I just sat there, laying on His shoulder crying. We didn't say anything or look at each other face or hug or do really anything I thought I would do when I first saw Jesus. We just sat there... and he said in a very calm and low voice, "Be still and know that I am God. I am right here and I will never Leave you."
I started crying and to tell you the truth... I'm crying right now... because those were the exact words I needed to hear. I've been beating myself up lately thinking, I really tried to convince myself the last few days, maybe I'm not made for LOVE. Maybe God didn't make me a partner. Maybe just Maybe... I'm suppose to always be alone but tonight hearing him say... "Be still and know that I am GOD. I am right here and I will never leave you." Made me realize, God hears my cries. God knows my pain and with me being a total mess, Jesus lets me know... This mess what my mother calls, Christina, will always be HIS and I am special to HIM.
I started crying and to tell you the truth... I'm crying right now... because those were the exact words I needed to hear. I've been beating myself up lately thinking, I really tried to convince myself the last few days, maybe I'm not made for LOVE. Maybe God didn't make me a partner. Maybe just Maybe... I'm suppose to always be alone but tonight hearing him say... "Be still and know that I am GOD. I am right here and I will never leave you." Made me realize, God hears my cries. God knows my pain and with me being a total mess, Jesus lets me know... This mess what my mother calls, Christina, will always be HIS and I am special to HIM.
So like I love my daughter and "TRY" my darndest to grant Mylah every heart's desire. GOD "DOES" grant mine but it's all in HIS plan because He is GOD and not me!" It's Him time. Tonight... I started the class scared but left feeling loved for the first time in a couple of days.
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