This morning in church... pastor Vaughn asked..."If we were to ask your friends whether or not your needy, what would they say?" Instantly I thought, I am far from needy. When in fact... I am one of those people that does need help from people. I'm a single mom, going to school full time, working full time and some how I find time to volunteer too, so I need the help of others in my life. My pride sometimes really gets in the way of asking but I have amazing family and friends who realize my need before I do. So they jump in before I need to ask. Thank you guys.

Anyways... as Pastor Vaughn continues on with his sermon, some little voice in me starts to speak... starts to scream... finally gets so loud in my head, that I had no choice but to listen.... "Christina... Vaughns talking to you... He's speaking about your need for a relationship." WOW... I felt stupid because honestly... it's true. I want a man to love me and for me to love him the same way. I want a man here at home when I get off, to rub my back and tell me.. "Christina, you can do it again tomorrow, I believe in you." I want a man in my life, to make me feel... well... AMAZING. I wanted it so bad, that I got trapped into what my friends are calling, "A Myspace Fairytale".

It's the worst feeling in the world to let another person so close to your most inner secrets and life, to only have them walk away without any real answers. Most of the time now, I spend trying to explain the whole dang Andy Love to myself and others. Trying to find out why I got so hang up. Why I got so trapped into something of a fairytale and why in the world did I really start to believe all the lies. Why didn't I see it all for what it was, a moment in time with a man that I was never going to have. I mean God told me throughout the whole relationship, it's time to let go... it's time for you to move on... What would of happened had I actually listened. Would I be in this situation now, in another relationship... questioning my own feelings. My own needs... I don't know but what I do know...

Today Vaughn expressed why we as Humans are so messed up. We're Americans... which in turn means... we're selfish. Instead of going into relationships with the right frame of mind (meaning with compassion and love like Jesus). We typically find ourselves in relationships or situations because of what we can get out of it. My relationship with Andy... Amazing and I still love him, even with all the BS he put me through. When I look at that relationship fully, I start to realize I was being selfish... I wanted Andy... or the essence of ANDY... the picture perfect man I made him out to be... I wanted that. Otherwise known as My SuperMan. Funny thing, Andy was never what I thought he was. Andy was still human, he was like me... imperfect but I tried to make him more for my own selfish gains. Now the crazy thing and the thing that just eats away at me...

Almost 10 months... a relationship with it's ups and it's downs but mostly an amazing relationship. Completely diminished into nothing... there nothing left of the last 10 months but questions and feelings of anger, sadness and most of all loss. That's sad and totally not biblical at all. So I had to ask myself today in church, was my need for this amazing man so well known to the world... that I made myself vulnerable. Easy Prey... Starting to think that I did...

God being amazing stopped me in this downward spiral into feeling helpless and depressed and reminded me...

"Christina... I will always be that husband to you that I know you need. Let me be what you think you need."

To be that loved by God, even though I sometimes suck and really question that love God has for me, makes me realize that God let me go through the last few months just so I would come to terms with the fact, that I do need! I need someone to love me and help me through this crazy thing called life. That person I need, is God and through Him... He will find me my future spouse. My focus in life should be on God and His needs for my life because when I let my worldly needs over take my heavenly needs. I will no doubt end up in a temporary fix or A Myspace Fairytale!