God Sent me....

Lately... I have found myself just talking out loud to God. To the point, where even my daughter has asked me... "Mommy?!?!? Who are you talking to?", and picture her looking around too? The real funny part... I don't realize I do it, till I notice the funny looks I get from people. Embarressing yes but Hey... that's how I do it. I'm just that Special and I'll be the first to admit that. :)

Well, today though... at church, I found myself not only talking and praying out loud to myself but I found God just moving me to pray over people. ME... The girl who can barely do the introduction part of Pastor Vaughn's "Greet Your Neighbor and Tell them you Love them!" shpeel. I hate that part of services... it always makes me feel so stupid and fake; however, since that first prayer months ago. Where I asked God to give me his eyes, to love on people like Jesus does and serve them with a "Jesus" servant heart. I just have to say, God is a giver.

I don't think it was possible for God to send me so many people to love on like He has. With each new person that I find myself just loving on and wanting to serve. I find a new purpose for my life here on earth. I find new meaning behind being Christina. Now... not only am I a mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, A future wifey (wink wink so put that in for wishful thinking purposes ONLY! **SMILES) a friend, a servant for Samaritan Purse OCC and now a new found member of New Heights church. I have officially hit a point in my life, where I want to be a part of this amazing church. I don't want to just come and get my hour sermon out of this amazing church. I want to be there for the other members. I want to love on them and tell them... "Hey, I am here at church... not only to hear what crazy thing, Pastor Vaughn, is going to say but to also see and talk to you!"

I love this new feeling of belong. This new appreciation of being a member to a church family. As I sat there in my pew, looking around at all the amazing people God has brought into my life. I couldn't help but think... "What in the world is God going to do next year with me and this family because the last few months... WOW!" I know as I watch my pastor and his wife express their heart for Jesus and the love they have for us, "My New Heights Family"... I realized... God couldn't of put any body else up there in front of me. Only that cooky - funny - crazy, California breed Pastor of mine and his Amazing Latino wife. I can say without a shadow of a doubt... no one else could really grab my attention every Sunday morning and teach me what God has for me like those two do. I just wanted to publicly thank them so much for their love for us, even when sometimes... It has to be hard to love a church as "special" as we are. Or maybe that "special" title is just for me! wink wink... Thank Pastor VAUGHN AND MERTHA... you are so appreciated and Loved!

So today as I really tried to dig myself out of the snow and thought to myself... "You know, my dad taught me how to drive. I can get through this mess in my little Cavalier." God stepped in and went, "Okay really." And that's when my shovel broke! Mind you, I don't have one of those $20 Walmart Specials... I have a heavy duty... take out a truck in one swipe kind of shovel. This thing is totally, suppose to be winter proof and take on snow hills like I have in my front yard. So what happened.... Some might call it a little intervention on God's part, others might call it coincidence... ME I think God was really trying to tell me this morning to just chill and relax at home with the munchkin.

Well, being determined and knowing that the hospital isn't going to shut down because of the snow.. I decided that my next best option was the city bus. So here I am looking on-line, checking out the times, watching the news in the background telling me over and over again, "Unless you really need to go out today, we recommend that you stay in at all cost." I once again... ignore the messages and proceed on with my mission to get to work.

I have totally planned out... I am going to walk the 7 blocks to Wesley catch the bus to Gilbert's house to drop Mylah off. Then proceed onward to work via STA. Nice... totally a foul proof idea. Up till the newscaster shares all the bus routes that where being cancelled today. Guess who's plan now become UN-fool proof. You got it... I had to throw in the towel. There was nothing else I could do but hear the Big Man's command and stay home.

Being a little upset, okay who am I kidding... I was pissed... I really decided that the best thing for me to do was go and talk to God. Now I didn't go to GOD and say... "Hey what's up with all this snow?" No... I went to Him a little humbled and feeling stupid for not just listening the first time. It wasn't God's deal to make me miss work today. It was just God idea to say... "look this is out of your hands, stop trying to control this!" As I sit there praying and learning from this mornings little moment, I realized that I do this a lot. I seem to have a hard time letting God do His work in me. I have found in the last few months, moments where I honestly thought... "So yeah... God... I Got this!" or even worst, walking in front of God and yelling back... "Dude (GOD), your holding up traffic... could you walk a little faster and get up here, PLEASE!" It's interesting when I think about all the moments in my life where I have done this.

The real eye opening moment this morning was me coming to realize that my first option typically is to handle an issue on my own. It's like I think to myself, "God has better things to deal with than handle my little issues in life. I'll wait till I really need Him there to use up that "Prayer Card!" "

YIKES...

It's like I really believe that there is this bank account of prayer savings and can only be used in time of need basis. Man was that a huge cookie to chew this morning. As God just loves on me and takes a little bit of my pride away... I couldn't help but wonder, "How in the world can one God love such a crazy girl like me?" I know that is crazy to think but really...

In the last few months, I have fought more with God than I really care to admit to. I have said some not so nice things and even found myself, every once in a while telling God, "NO... I'm not doing that!" However, God always in HIS amazing way... just loves on me till I get it. Till I get hit so hard between the eyes with the truth of how much God loves me. So once again... Christina finds herself in tears before her Father. Sometimes... even the people who really do believe that God is their number one compadray... can be holding back more than they care to admit too. God still at work in this girl's life.

On another side note:

Andy is back in my life. This time, God has really just blown my socks off with this blessing. A couple months ago, when I yelled and couldn't understand God's wants in my life. Here He comes and hands me back that blessing again but with interest! I now not only still have my Andy, who loves me like the day we said, "Goodbye". I also have an amazing little girl named, "Maria to add to my heart!" He adopted a beautiful little girl, who I have to say looks so much like Mylah... it's scary! So I am now starting a new chapter in my life with two huge blessings being added. That to me is such a huge testament itself on how much God loves me. He gave me a man more amazing than what I could ever ask for and another little girl to love on like Mylah. I don't think I could of even done it better, if God had given me the chance. God made it better and more amazing. God is awesome and I feel His blessings this morning for sure, even with all this snow! **SMILE**

"When I grow up Mom... I'm going to be Free!" Yeah Right?!?!

Growing up... that was the only thought that passed through my head, "One day I'll be an adult and have all the freedom of the world!" Yeah Right! That image quickly dissipated with my first bill. With my age, I didn't gain independence, what I actually accumulated was more chains that held me down and stole my freedom away; however, today God took me by the hand and lead me down a little journey of "Freedom Perception".

In this little journey... God asks me, "So what's your idea of a Mature Christian?" To me that was an easy question- a no brain-er you might say... it's the old person in the back of the church, loosing his hearing but knowing every song verbatim. This would also be that old person you would run to, for hard life questions and not only would they give you an answer that would make you think...they would also hand you a list so long of bible verses and a little old man humor too. Typically in my mind, these are the elderly people that are sometimes ignored by my generation. To me... a mature Christian is far from what I am. To my surprise... God informed me, that I was way off base.

A mature Christian... is someone that looses all their freedom in prayer but gains that freedom back in peace, joy and yes, every once in while, there are some tears. As I sit there thinking about this new concept of a Mature Christian. I realized that I was on the path of being a mature christian, a lot sooner than I thought. I do check in with God about everything. Now there was some thoughts that I still try to take control over but all the "BIG" stuff... There is no way I even try to handle them on my own. So since I don't yet... hand everything over to the Big Guy... I still don't consider myself mature.

On the other hand, my life in the last few months has gone from living for Mylah and me ONLY - to - living and breathing God. Even though, some might say that I lost more freedom the day I took Jesus into my heart and decided finally, to live like I have Jesus in my heart... I now know and can say... NO!... God gave me the freedom from worry, anxiety, stress and every other thing that comes with taking on this world alone! So even though I have lost the freedom to sleep in a little extra in the morning, or lost the desire to go to every company party under the sun or can't find pleasure in participating in some of those "not so great" gossip conversations anymore. I have learned that those few moments daily where I talk, chat or sometimes even scream at God. God handed me a title of being a "growing" mature Christian and the freedom to love life's moments.

I know that my God will over come anything that I may experience and I also know that Satan can't mess with me until GOD says, "You know... She can handle anything you dish out!"So when I see a family going through so much turmoil and hardships in this life. A Godly family... A family that I know God is watching over... I can't help but think, Wow... that's a mature Christian Family. That's a model family for all Christians to follow. That's what I pray my family will be like. To me, even though they don't have the freedom to drink, curse or live so willy-nilly... God handed this family the freedom of knowing they will never be alone.

So my little freedom walk today with God. Where God took my hand and told me... "Christina, you need to know... that even sometimes, when you think I don't listen to your prayers or answer them in the way that you want... I need you to know that I do! I do listen because your one of mine and I will never leave you!"

I came to understand that God has the bigger picture of my life, some might even call it the "blue print of Christina's AMAZING life!" .. God sees it from beginning to end. He knows what is best for me and even in those moments where I throw a little fit - aka - tantrum. God hears me clearly. He just cares for me so much more than what I can really understand. Plus He has my best interests ahead of my own self wants. Thank GOD! Prayer is the foundation of a relationship. The same foundation that keeps you and God together. Prayer is also where I found my Freedom. SO when I pray, God may not answer my prayers right away but I know with all my heart that He hears me and cares.

So Today when that lesson was handed to me in an email from Andy. I got a little freaked out and WOW'd. Here we are for the last week or so talking and just reconnecting our lives together again. Me being the thinker... okay... maybe sometimes the over thinker... GOD takes this amazing man and hands me a lesson from God. It was the most amazing feeling and a little freaky. Even more than the day I realized God was real! You ever get the chills... that is what I got today. God in my mind... is so much bigger than what the bible can really describe for us. God shows me everyday... "Hey you knuckle-head... I'm your father who cares for you. So I will bless you more than what you can comprehend." Andy... He is a blessing from God. Even though, I sometimes want to take control over this amazing journey "we" (Mylah, Maria, Andy and ME) are all on right now... God grabbed my hand and said, "Christina stop... Let me take control over this. Give up your "thought" of control over this whole matter and allow me the freedom to work here in all of your lives. I will be bless you both in my time."

I know Andy and Maria are part of my future. I know that God has amazing things in store for me, it's just so amazing to me sometimes to think about how powerful and amazing our God is. Prayer is freedom. So as I sit in front of my computer, with the realization that I have freedom from my parents. I will never or nor do I ever want... Freedom from God... I want God a part of my life and every thought I have. I also can never see my life being completely full filled without God. God is amazing and I am so thankful that He sent Maria and Andy my way! Thank you Jesus.

Today at church, Mike reminded me of the Gift Exchange with my old group of Alpha friends. Totally forgetting about the party all together even though Lisa and Shaun have reminded me of this party many, many times already. I subjected myself to shopping for a good hour and the nutty people actually doing "real" Christmas Shopping. Man it was a zoo out there!

I decided that I was only going to one store.... Micheals - the craft store. If I didn't find anything cool there under $10, I could always get the ever popular picture frame. Well, going through all the aisle with Mylah and looking at all the cool and clearenced out Christmas stuff. I decided that I would pick-up these awesome angel glass ornaments. Well, it turns out that as I was setting down these other 2008 ornaments for my family. This lady happened to get the same idea as me, which would of been cool had those three angels not been the last ones.

SO........

to my dismay, this lady grabs the angels and looks at me saying, "Well, you did see them first... so let's Rock, Paper, Sissor for them!" Totally being serious as she placed her two hands in battle position. A little caught off gaurd by what just happened... I just looked at her crazy! Are you serious... Christmas Shopping has resorted to Rock, Paper, Sissor battles! Man, I have been out of the shopping scene for a while now. lol wink wink I really think a couple seconds, maybe even a good minute went by before I actually responsed to her saying, "Nah.. .it really looks like you have your heart set on those angels. I pray they bring you happiness and joy!" and I walked away.

Now Mylah watching the whole thing and being three pipes up saying, "Mommy... why did she take those angels from you?" Crazy shopping lady heard Mylah and I just replied, "Honey... Those are just people God sends into your life to learn patience from! We just thank God for them honey!" And we just walked away... Now I want you to know... had Crazy Shopper said, "Let's Thumb War for them." I would of been down and kicked her crazy shopping butt!!! Man people are nuts.... Well, long story short... I ended up with a picture frame!

I'm a Promise... Now that is cool!

In Church today, Pastor Vaughn discussed the idea of being a promise, which to me was a little hard for me to understand at first. Me... Christina... A promise for someone in the past. The more he talked and/or preached... the more I started to realize, I was a promise. How many times in our lives, did someone pray for us and make a deal with God that your life would be effected. In my life, there are plenty of moments where I can see my mom, who doesn't really pray at all... I could see her every once in a while, making deals with the Big Guy over things out of her control. In my head, I can still remember her and my dad weeping next to my bed to God when I was 5 years old and on the verge of leaving this world too soon. I can remember the tears my mother wept before meeting Rick and being a single mother. I can remember her plenty of times, talking to God about getting patience in dealing with me as a teenager. So the more I stopped and really thought about it... I came to realize... that everyone that was sitting in this little church of mine, where there because of a promise someone else made with the Big Guy. I know that's far out there, but really... it's awesome when you think about it.
Years ago... long before your mother and father... someone in your history, prayed over you. Prayed for your future and prayed for your soul. To me... that is just a crazy thought! Every home is built on promises and prayers that a earlier generation did. Come on... that has to blow your socks off.

Something else Vaughn said today that got me thinking "WOW, I matter to my God", was the idea that every prayer I make effects the aroma of Heaven. Are you serious, my little prayers or discussions with God... make a difference in heaven and the way it smells. See... there are these pillars or bowls you might say filled with insenses in heaven and with each prayer that you make. Those insenses display your prayer in smoke. That is why, one of the wise men gave Jesus Frank and scents. Back in the day, they use to do incenses to represent their prayers going up to heaven... Well, in heaven they still do this and think about it... their smoking every time you pray. WOW... that's crazy to me.

However.... that got me wondering back to some of my "not so amazing moments in prayer" and wondered... in those moments where I battle it out with God and have little issues with HIS purpose and my purpose not meeting... I wonder if those moments make heaven not smell so sweet But after hearing Zechariah's story, I realized that God wants us to be real. God loves that I come to Him with my worries, concerns and yes, every once in while battle. That shows that I acknowledge that He is the All-Powerful and I know that He is the only one that can make a difference in my life! It also makes you aware of your own issues.

So basically the more I heard Vaughn's sermon today... the more I thanked God for loving me and my little "tina moments". I might never be prefect or even come close to it, but God will fill all those areas where I am lacking. This then makes me realizes something about all my friends and those amazing people who always tell me... "Christina, I'm just trying to get somethings together before going back into the church." Hello, God accepted me the way I was and He did the spring cleaning for me. God wants to enter our lives right now and "help" you become the Promise that someone in your past prayed about! Your a promise and FYI... I made a deal with God too about you... I want all my friends to know His love like I do. I love you all!

Tonight as Stephanie leaves my house, with a bag of Mylah's old clothes, small Little Baby toys and a big Fish Rocking horse thingy... I realized that God put Stephanie in my life, for me to love on her. Stephanie tonight opened up to me with her soul and by the time she left my house... she gave me the biggest hug and said, "I never met anyone like you!" I could of told her that.... in our introductions!!!! No one has ever met someone like me... just ask my mama or Nikki. they'll tell you that.

So when Stephanie leaves... I do my normal, pray for that friend and ask God for the guidance in that relationship. I believe with all my heart, that God sends you certain people in your life to learn from, to love on and most of the time... to show you, who you really are! I learn more about myself everyday with the people God places in my life each day... just yesterday... I realized with a patient that was a little - okay little is pushing it - a complete A-hole... that even my smile sometimes can't hide everything and it sure can't stop my mouth from speaking German! Which after the fact, I made it appoint to have that patient all day, to learn patience and love. After two hours and a lot of smiles and "Yes sirs'"... we made a compromise... I would speak only when spoken too and he would hold back all his profanity and mean comments! That was a hard lesson but helped me learn to pray in German.

Then my amazing girlfriends, they don't know this but those emails mails they send me all the time...those little notes get saved in a little folder to be scrapbooked with their pictures later. My friends mean the world to me, but it took the last few months of God showing and teaching me... "this is how I want you to love them!" I am so grateful for so much and Stephanies's hug tonight! Her Bear Hug and tears of happiness... made me realize, Stephanie is in my life for good. God has placed her on my path to Him, so I get to congo-line it with her down the road of life! Man... my congo line is getting big but I am loving it and feeling very blessed.

Tweezers = Screw Drivers

Okay...moving is seriously a job in itself.

I am almost at the point where I am comfortible in this new place of mine but there are just little things for me to work on... basically all the guy projects! lol wink wink However being the independent woman that I am, I tried doing a couple of these projects before calling it quits and calling in the guys! I want you to know, I got my shoe shelves all up. Got the shelves up in the laundry room and finally.. the ONE project that had me at my last nerve! The stupid towel holder in the upstairs bathroom. ARGH!!!

To me... it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to put up a towel holder. At least that is what I think, but I was nicely informed on my tenth try, four stab wounds from my tweezers and a couple words that I should never repeat again! I was nicely informed... that YES... Towel Holders need more than just a womanly touch!

Anyways... I decide it was time to call on my amazing neighbors for assistance. He was more than happy to help.... WELL.... up until I handed him my eye tweezers as the screw driver for him to use. Bob's look was priceless and I really wish I could of captured it.
Anyways... after he got a couple, "You have got to be joking comments out of his system," he retreated back to his house for a real screwdriver. When he got back, he started to ask me if I had tools and I told him, "Yes!" Now they might not be sold in a hardward store but they work. Then I realized, Men and Women are different in what we call tools. Guy tools have to have some sort of name like: Craftman, Snap-on, MAC or whatever other manly tool name. In a woman's mind, everything can be used. My tweezers worked for getting in some other projects. A butterknife makes an amazing flat head screwdriver and lets not forget the rocks outside, being used as hammers! I might be a girl but honestly, I realized that women are part engineers... Bob on the other hand... He just thinks I am crazy and expressed his concern for my choice of tools.

It was a funny moment and one that I am sure Bob will share with other people, when they ask, "So your new neighbor... is she cool?"

Being a business student, I get to hear and debate about all the economy -recession speculations, the Big Bailout for the Auto companies, the housing market and really once again... this list could go on for days about everything the NEWS feels is news! As I watch in class and listen to my fellow students, I can't help but think... If the government actually does hand over 18 billion dollars to these companies... I really believe this is going to be an interesting lesson for our kids to learn.

Think about it....I understand that if all three auto companies where to close their doors and stop making cars. I would have some serious issues finding parts for my car, at a nice Cheap Cavalier price . There would also be other companies, throughout the world that would also take a hit. Maybe even some, that would have to close their doors too, which in turn would be a domino effect of other company's closing their doors. I understand that and know that is a scary thought; however, with the government now jumping and bailing them out totally. This to me, screams a very loud and wrong message... to me I hear... "Hey if you effect more than just yourself in the wrong choices that you do... don't worry about it because when it comes time to deal with those issues, the government will jump in!" This is not a good message at all to send to the world and our children. We are basically saying to the whole world or our kids, don't worry about your choices... there will always be someone there to "Bail" you Out but reality is... there really isn't!

Now I know this is a very far out there thought but really think about it.... Here is this huge company GM, who last year sold the same amount of cars as Toyota. Toyota who isn't going to their government for a hand out... who actually isn't even giving any thought about their business having any issues at all. So how does that work, how can GM sell the same amount of cars but than saying or expressing threats to close their doors. Something just doesn't sound right to me and I don't know why... but I really feel like there should be some people going to prison. There are bigger issues in these companies, than just bad accounting / budgeting issues... that's just my thoughts!

Then another thing that just rings through mind all the time, was hearing the Ford's CEO tell the floor... "I am sitting pretty nice! I'm okay with a dollar salary next year!" Are you serious? There is no way that can be totally true, everyone lives in their means and most of the time, we actually live outside of our means by one or two income brackets. So what gets me is, we know that Ford's CEO's bills aren't the regular house and electric bills we all have. He has vacation homes, private jets and servants, which I am not cutting that life style down... if you make it there... more power to you, I am just saying... this guy has bills like us but they are in the income bracket that he lives in. Right?!?!?! So how can he accept $1 next year for pay and still be able to live in his income bracket. Something there just doesn't mesh well with me either. This whole thing sounds fishy.

The sad and scary thought, this problem is a lose - lose situation for everyone. If the government doesn't help, a whole lot of people lose their jobs. If the government does help, we the tax payers get to not only pay our monthly car payments but also pay the bills for that car maker. That to me doesn't sound far, I want to sell something, get profit off that sell but than also get you to pay my bills too! That too me, just doesn't sound right either.

Who knows... but I do know that the next four years, we the people will be on our knees a little more talking to the Big Guy and it's not because of our president but because of our "borrowing with out paying" mentality. That is why I don't have Credit Cards and I will teach my daughter that too. Plastic is not good! If you don't have the cash to pay for it, then you don't get the merchandise!

SOME INTERESTING THOUGHTS TOO!!!

3. 1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

5. Proverbs 22:7
The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.

So just think before getting that next Christmas present... can you really pay for it and if you can't... don't get it. Christmas isn't about that present anyways.... it's about God and him giving us a second chance! Be happy with your situation and know... I love you and so does our father whose Birthday is coming up!

It’s official... I am a Christmas Freak!

So last weekend, I got the tree up and it's looking mighty fine, if I don't say so myself. The decorations are everywhere and I mean everywhere... it almost looks like Santa's little workshop. The pine scented candles are all strategically placed throughout my house. To be real frank about the matter, I really didn't think that I could get anymore Christmas Spirit this year. To my surprise, I was wrong!

See tomorrow I start my Secret Santa with my 2009 family. I have the family picked out and they really need a pick-me up this year. Both incomes in the households have been terminated due to the economy and they have three kids. Well, tonight... Mylah and me were in Costco; which I have to say is the most dangerous place in the world for me. I love that store but man, that store is not too friendly on my pocket book or maybe it loves my pocket book a little too much. :)

Anyways... walking through the aisle trying to think of awesome Secret Santa gifts for the next twelve days... I found so many. I got them this awesome rod-iron Fruit Basket set, which I think will be the first of 12 gifts this year. I think in the card I might say something along the lines of.. be ready to enjoy the next few days of "secret" fruitful blessings... I know that's corny but I have to think of something! So basically, a hour in Costco thinking of little corny phrases to tie to gifts... I realized... I am a Christmas Geek! I love this season... even more than Bikini Season. I really hope my family loves the gifts and I really hope I don't get caught this year. I haven't the last 10 years so I think I might have stellar 007 skills! It's going to be a blast and I am really stoked about it.

My Daughter!!! WoW

Pastor Vaughn... your wise words about how kids are really just little mirror images of ourselves... Well, I got a nice hands on lesson of that today. So I got off work early, only to get to school even earlier tonight but I was able to spend a little bit of time with Mylah before bring her Gerald's (daddy). Anyways... When my parents drove up in their huge silverado truck, I could hear my duaghter's excitment to see me through the glass of the truck. She was so loud. Anyways... a little surprised and loving that she wants me (and honestly... eatting it up a little!) Mylah shows me this little mis-shapened ginger... yeah, man might be pushing it a little... let's say... figure. lol wink wink As she shows me the cookie, she exclaims with excitment, "Mommy, I saved it... to share with you!"

I was so touched by this, that one... I had to take a picture. Two... My little girl was sharing without me telling her too. I was so proud of her. Till she had to burst my bubble... she starts to hand me the little heart shaped candy from the figures chest saying, "I don't like these... here!" That was my part of the cookie... that was her idea of sharing, giving me the pieces she didn't want... It made me laugh! Kids really do show you, your worst traits. lol wink wink

Funny thing... I don't do Red Hots either! So I shared my candy with my mom. Lesson here... I can share, but only the things I don't want. lol wink wink

As the night gets later and the hours of my sleep before work gets less and less, I find myself on the phone with an ex. Talking about the old days and laughing about the new ones. Somewhere between the surprise of his phone call, to the end of our goodbyes. Moments of love, feelings of joy and yes, a little bit of a flashbacks to nights of tears come flowing through my mind.

I can't really remember the exact moment of our last goodbye but I remember the pain. My first love and my first heartbreak. It's funny when you think about all these self help books, the talk shows and let's not forget the therapists banking on our hardships with love. I wonder, with each relationship we experience throughout our life... do we become more aware of the things we want in our future relationships or do we become less and less unloveable for the next.
As I hear him try to tell me that he still loves me and really doesn't understand why he walked away. I started to pray to God for strength, "Please... through all these words he says now... these same words I use to pray to hear from him, Please keep me focused on the truth. The truth being, he never loved me!"

I know that sounds harsh but really, how can you love someone and than walk away. You can't! I know my idea of love is really old fashion but when I read my bible and I pray to God. He shows me everyday, that real love is there till the end. Real love, never lets you go. Real love... starting to wonder if any of my past relationships where ever "Real Love?" Starting to think, that maybe I want it so much... this amazing Real Love... that I 've jumped the gun too many times.

My last love, Andy... My superman... the one relationship that makes me feel a little foolish at times and gives some of my friends a little power to tease me about being neive... makes me think, will I ever get my Prince Charming. Will I ever get to experience Real Love. I don't know anymore, but as I hang up the phone and really start to ponder on the idea of loves in my past, Two... I wonder, I loved them so much and still do. Why is it, that when they say, "I love you", why is it so easy for them to walk away? Why am I always that girl from the past, a distant memory, or even worst.... no thought at all? How can I love still love him? Why couldn't I've of let him go that easy too?

So you want something to pray about... Pray for Christina. It hurts and I really have been hiding my pain from myself, tonight though... as I hung up that phone... I realized, I am damaged but God Loves ME still, even when the men in my past don't, but say they do.

Sad thing or maybe it's amazing... I don't hate or have any animosity toward either of my past loves. I do think that I will love in the future again. I'm not afraid of love... I think I just came to terms tonight with the fact that GOD needs to be my number one guy in my life!

That my friends ......... was a hard lesson to learn. and I am suppose to sleep tonight... yeah... mind is going at a unhealthy rate of 90 MPH. Not looking pretty for work tomorrow, glad my patients are on drugs that make me look prettier than I am. lol wink wink!

I have to keep in mind Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trist in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" NLT

Now as a mother of an amazing three year old... I have been trying to figure out ways of teaching Mylah the true "Christmas Meaning". Which in turn means Jesus and his birth. Some of the things that we have already done...

1) Every night we do some sort of craft, paint, or color a picture for Jesus and then place the item, in this little manger I made under the tree. It's our gift to Jesus this year. I will for sure keep those items in Mylah's hope chest but right now... she is loving these activities. Got this idea from a Chicken Soup book.

2) On Christmas, I asked my parents and brothers if it would be cool to throw a little birthday party for Jesus together. As a family, we are going to make a cake and decorate it and yes... we are singing Happy Birthday. Idea from a church hand out.

I really don't know any other things that we could do but hey, if you have a suggestion... I would love to hear it. Thank you... a mother learning to parent! lol wink wink

"My Girlie Moment!"

Working in a hospital, you get the advantages or perks you might say, of working along side some very sexy men. Than every once in a while, we get even more lucky and get a dump-dead-gorgeous man as a patient. Well, today... I got both and yes, as a professional at my job , I stumbled over my wording and was unable to look at this 'amazing specimen of manhood', without the blood rushing to my face . and giggling like I was 'special'. It was like I was comatosed by his........ well I want to say beauty but that just doesn't sound like the right choice of wording to use to discribe any man but really... this 'beautiful specimen of manhood' had every Walt Disney Prince or Brad Pitt Look-like... looking a like average!

So when I finally made it back in the lounge, a couple minutes later and after regaining my ability to beathe normal again. Everyone took a quick moment to poke fun at my 'girlie' moment. It was pretty funny and I don't know why I did that, I am not one of those girls. I don't get lost in the eyes of a lover. I don't follow a man around with lost puppy dog eyes. I am NOT one of those girls that does that stuff. I was a tom-boy growing up, so if a guy likes me... he better have some 'cahounas' to ask me out because I won't chase any guy! So this gets me thinking... why did I act like that today. Why did I get so 'funny' at the sight of a guy. Yes, the man was beautiful and yes, every girl in the department was very attentive to his every need.

It's funny to me though because after it was all said and done, someone made a joke saying... 'You know Christina, it's funny to see you like that because your typically very cool around guys. It's nice to see that your normal.' How does that make me normal? I think it makes me special!
Anyways... Sexy Men, I pray to God that he makes more of that man and one that is single, God fearing and will love me like crazy, that's all I am asking for. Am I asking for too much?!?!? lol wink wink .. However... if I did happen to met a sexy, God fearing man that gets me stumbling on my words, you think I might scare him with my 'special-ness!' lol wink wink

Make a Difference Monday!

So on the radio station that I listen to... 101.9 Air1, they have this thing called, "Make a Difference Monday!" Which is just going out, seeing a need that someone needs and filling it. It could be something so simple as just buying someone's coffee or dry cleaning. That actually seems to the most used ways people try to make a difference. However, this morning I heard a story that got me crying and Mylah asking me, "what's wrong mommy?"

THE STORY

This guy calls in and explains how he passed a mother and daughter having car trouble. He thinks about stopping but doesn't... he actually thinks about it three times and finally on the last chance of making a U-turn. He decides to turn around and help. Which is just awesome in itself.... However, it wasn't till he said that he gave the lady $90 to buy a new tire... that my flood gates of tears came flowing out. This guy handed over his "allowance" money because he could tell this single mother and her daughter weren't doing so hot in the finance department.

So Mylah being the loving and compassionate child that she is... she asks me, "Mommy... what's wrong?" I couldn't help but just tell her, "Mylah, God is just so amazing and the love He shows us all, through random acts of kindness. It's just a little overwhelming for your mommy!" Don't think she really grasped anything I was saying but she nodded her little head and said the most amazing thing... "Mommy, Jesus Loves ME and you!"

Now I know to some people this story doesn't mean a thing to them, but man months ago... I was really questioning my parenting skills when it came to raise Mylah into an amazing woman in God Kingdom. I really thought lowly of that part of my life and prayed everyday for God's assistance in the parenting department. Don't get me wrong... I don't think I suck as a parent. My daughter isn't needing a single thing. She's in soccer and Karate. She has more than any child her age needs and most of all, She knows with all her heart... "I AM HER BIGGEST FAN! I love that little girl. However, I wanted my daughter to know that if anything ever happened to me.........God Willing Nothing does but if I wasn't here to watch that amazing girl grow... I wanted her to have a solid foundation in Christ and know that Jesus Loved that little girl.

Anyways...

When Mylah said that this morning with the biggest cheese grin... I actually had to pull over and thank God and cry... GO FIGURE :). Only because of how much my God loves me and my daughter, am I able to see how much He cares through my daughter's young but wise words! God loves us so much and that to me... is just so amazing. I am so grateful to the Frost Family, actually more like indebted to that family. Even though it was a short lived relationship, it made the most impact in my life. God has been showing me lately, that even the smallest things and/or relationships, are still big things for Him to use. His power is bigger than anything, that's why such a short lived relationship could mean so much. It was a God filled relationship. To Him, I have to say... goes all the glory for Mylah and my life.

On another note... someone made a difference in my life today too. I had a stranger buy my breakfast and I have to say... even though it was a just a couple dollars... It made me feel so amazing and loved. Once again... God using the smallest things to say, "I love you!" I am now officially a "Make a Difference participant.

Man... as I woke up this morning, in my bed for the first time in weeks, I started to talk to God about LIFE and the craziness that comes with years!

SIDE NOTE: The bed was jammed packed with clothes, toys and everything else that I could put in my room. So finally last night...... I was able to take control over the mountain of boxes

everywhere and make this new house, a home for Mylah and me. Got the tree up, which I have to say looks amazing! The lights are all hung up and the stockings... Yes, are hanging by the chimney with care!

So as I wander through the house this morning with my nice hot cup of Chamomile Tea, I realize... Mylah and me are so blessed. God has really been doing wonders in my life lately, and this morning God and me had some one - on - one time to talk about everything. Just the realization of everything that has changed in the last four months... WOW... My life looks nothing like it did a couple months ago.

Here I am in a home twice the size as my old house. I have a new career goal for when I grow up. The new position with the OCC and the blessings those people bring in my life! The church group that has adopted Mylah and me as one of their own, love them!!! This new found freedom of happiness. It's like, no matter what is going on in this life... I have this peace about me. Everything and I mean everything... I bring to God. I don't think there is even a moment during the day, that I am not talking or thinking about God! It's crazy!!!!

Anyways...

As God and me are talking this morning, I can't help but bring up a conversation Aaron and me had just recently. Years ago, God sent me Aaron. He was and still is... my teddy bear! We did everything together. Most of the time, it was me talking him into Pimps-N-Hoe parties, the movies and the very popular... Pictionary Game Night with Jack and Mara! See Aaron is very reserved and well.... we both had different ideas of what fun was...Aaron's idea was staying in all night, to tinker around, under, over and/or on top of some muscle car that only a guy could love - or - it was chillin' with Jack and talking in terms - that only guys that love math and computers could ever understand. My ideas of fun... let's just say... neither of those things did anything for me! wink wink

My favorite moments with Aaron were cuddling up on his parent's couch watching the Superbowl or some stupid old movie and every once in a while... I could talk him into some chick flick movie (but not too much though ). I have a lot of memories with Aaron... one Halloween I dressed him up as Flasher! The things you can do with Panty Hose and a trench coat! lol **Wink Wink** I love Aaron and we were never anything more than friends. Never kissed or did anything... He was just my best friend, so when he decided that our friendship needed to end while I was pregnant. I was devastated and couldn't' understand why; however, God works in crazy ways.

Just a couple days ago... I got an email from Aaron and being the person that I am... I don't get halfway through the email before I found myself calling Aaron's parent's house to get Aaron phone number. Turns out... Aaron was there and we got to talk. There were a little moments of ackwardness but within two or three minutes, we are talking like no time has ever passed and laughing about how stupid life can be. Before I hung up the phone... we made plans to hang out and catch up.

Now it's been a couple days since Aaron and me hung out and still... I find myself repeating a conversation we had in my head, over and over again.

"JOHAN IS DEAD!"

Back in the day, meaning the years during and right after high school... there was this guy that all the girls liked. All the girls had a crush on and yes... he had the body that all the guys wanted! Now he wasn't the smartest in the bunch but man, he could make you laugh! I was one of those girls that had a crush on Johan. Well, I was actually one of those girls that had a crush on both, Johan and his little brother, Jordon! So as Aaron and me are going through the list of people from our past and where are they now updates... I still find myself stumbling on this fact that one of our own... in our little group... was actually dead. Now I know that death is part of life and everyone will exprience it sometime but I really found it hard to believe that one of my friends would ever die before we were all old and gray. Nieve... yes but really... the whole idea just scares me. My ten year reunion for high school is coming up in just under two years and it gets me thinking... when we all come together again. How many of my classmates will still be with us? How many will be there to share in laughs about the good old days? Johan won't be one of those and honestly..... that just seems so crazy to me!!!

Lesson... Life is too Short! Never stay mad at anyone. Love with all your heart. Smile every chance you get and heck... never stay mad at me!!!!! Wink wink and realize that tomorrow is not promised to you... heck the rest of today isn't promised to you either. God and me just really had a moment talking about life and all "real" things that happen. I just need to remember, I am God's... so when and if He calls me before I think I should be called... I know that I will be going to stay with my Father and these moments of life craziness, I hope God will finally make sense of them for me... I HOPE!

Laziness with the Season!

As winter approaches and my electric bill rises faster then I can understand. I have come to realize that people get crazy during these last few months of the year. It's like we have this bank of nuttiness that we need to use up and it's on a time limit. I just can't understand it at all.

With my move and the crazy other things that I find myself busy with, I have been dealing with some crazy situations. People in stores actually running down my daughter with their wheelchair. I was hit by an older man with his cane because I didn't move fast enough... mind you the crowd in front of me was at a stand still. I was at the post office! The store clerks cursing at me because life didn't turn out like they thought it would and for some weird reason... I am the easiest to lash out at. Then watching the news and seeing all the craziness that happened on Black Friday. People being trampled to death because of sale prices and Black Friday Specials. Watching the stocks go from bad to worst right in front of ours. Hearing people say that they have lost everything in just one day. I am just blown away and honestly, am finding it hard to explain to my daughter what is going on anymore. I can't just tell her anymore... people are just mean sometimes because they have bad days. Now it's getting to the point where I am finding myself scared to raise my daughter.

However with all this said... I was floored a couple days ago by our world and society. My mother's old client and friend, Ken, got jumped by three teenage guys and had his face slashed by a knife. Then not only that... they steal his $27 of groceries and $7 of change he had left. This gentleman, lives on a fixed income. So even though, that $7 doesn't sound like a lot to most of us... To him... that's a weeks worth of income for him. When I visited Ken in the hospital, I really found it hard to comfort him. I found it hard not to be mad. I found it hard not to think badly about those guys. I know the bible says to turn the other cheek but in these moments, can we have a little moment of anger! Can I be this mad! I know anger is poison to our soul but sometimes... I think God has to understand. Otherwise... I am in deep doo-doo. :) God please heal this anger heart of mine. Please help me see it through your eyes... Please just help soften my heart for even the "special" people I am mad at! Thank you for reading and please pray for Ken!