As the night gets later and the hours of my sleep before work gets less and less, I find myself on the phone with an ex. Talking about the old days and laughing about the new ones. Somewhere between the surprise of his phone call, to the end of our goodbyes. Moments of love, feelings of joy and yes, a little bit of a flashbacks to nights of tears come flowing through my mind.

I can't really remember the exact moment of our last goodbye but I remember the pain. My first love and my first heartbreak. It's funny when you think about all these self help books, the talk shows and let's not forget the therapists banking on our hardships with love. I wonder, with each relationship we experience throughout our life... do we become more aware of the things we want in our future relationships or do we become less and less unloveable for the next.
As I hear him try to tell me that he still loves me and really doesn't understand why he walked away. I started to pray to God for strength, "Please... through all these words he says now... these same words I use to pray to hear from him, Please keep me focused on the truth. The truth being, he never loved me!"

I know that sounds harsh but really, how can you love someone and than walk away. You can't! I know my idea of love is really old fashion but when I read my bible and I pray to God. He shows me everyday, that real love is there till the end. Real love, never lets you go. Real love... starting to wonder if any of my past relationships where ever "Real Love?" Starting to think, that maybe I want it so much... this amazing Real Love... that I 've jumped the gun too many times.

My last love, Andy... My superman... the one relationship that makes me feel a little foolish at times and gives some of my friends a little power to tease me about being neive... makes me think, will I ever get my Prince Charming. Will I ever get to experience Real Love. I don't know anymore, but as I hang up the phone and really start to ponder on the idea of loves in my past, Two... I wonder, I loved them so much and still do. Why is it, that when they say, "I love you", why is it so easy for them to walk away? Why am I always that girl from the past, a distant memory, or even worst.... no thought at all? How can I love still love him? Why couldn't I've of let him go that easy too?

So you want something to pray about... Pray for Christina. It hurts and I really have been hiding my pain from myself, tonight though... as I hung up that phone... I realized, I am damaged but God Loves ME still, even when the men in my past don't, but say they do.

Sad thing or maybe it's amazing... I don't hate or have any animosity toward either of my past loves. I do think that I will love in the future again. I'm not afraid of love... I think I just came to terms tonight with the fact that GOD needs to be my number one guy in my life!

That my friends ......... was a hard lesson to learn. and I am suppose to sleep tonight... yeah... mind is going at a unhealthy rate of 90 MPH. Not looking pretty for work tomorrow, glad my patients are on drugs that make me look prettier than I am. lol wink wink!

I have to keep in mind Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trist in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" NLT