Teaching Math was Easy!

Now a couple months ago, I met one amazing woman. A woman that changed my way of thinking about healthcare and made me realize that life is way too precious to let it fly by without making an impact. Pat Rush was one of my patients at Valley, and in the couple of months while she battled Luekemia; Pat called Valley her home. I became very good friends with Pat. I talked to her every chance I got. Couldn't go a day or two without my hugs but most of all, I just loved talking to her. She was such a real person, that it bewildered me and kept my attention everyday. I was fascinated by her stories of teaching math and hearing about her love for strangers. Then Pat had the amazing talent to make you feel amazing and worth something just by her little gestures of "hello". It didn't matter who you were in the hospital or what your position/title, Pat realized that you made a difference in her care and that was something to be very thankful of.

The one thing that Pat made very clear in my life, was my testimony of loving God. There were many moments in my 9 years of doing nursing, that God has handed me "intervention" moments. Moments were I could express my belief and share the love God has given me to strangers; however, being a new believer and let's face it... a not so "prefect" christian. I always felt the words I wanted to share leave my mouth before I could get my words straight, which would always make me sound so special. Now Pat, being totally real and understanding her situation of possibly dying from Luekemia, would always find herself a little frustrated and mad at God. I spent many hours with Pat, not really sharing my beliefs but more listening to her. I always giggled when I heard her curse because she was a math teacher. My sterotype for math teachers was shot! :)

Just sitting there listening and actually hearing Pat's words... taught me so much. It's interesting that in a world with a "microwave-instant ready" way of thinking, that we never realize how important it is to just stop coming up with half-ass responses. That not everything in this "short-life" will have an anwser or an insta-response. I learned how to shut-up and just listen with Pat's assistant. It's hard to believe that sometimes not having the anwser, is okay. This idea is very hard to learn, seeing that I've spent my last fours years in college needing to have, "insta-response" on at all times.

Today, I read Pat's lastest Blog entry.

Sad thing............. it wasn't pat's words I was reading, it was her sister, Sharon sharing the news that Pat is on comfort care measures. That Pat, my amazing friend, teacher and yes, patient at one time, will not be beating Luekemia. That Pat is surrounded by the people who care so dear for her and she is sleeping peacefully. I know she hasn't passed yet, but there is this little part of my heart that weaps just thinking, I may never see Pat again. I might not get another hug and let's face it, I may never hear her swear again ;-)

I think hardest moment in a person's life is coming to terms with the fact that we aren't all powerful, and God is the only one in control.

Random Rants of Christina's Life!

NEWS BREAK: The criminally insane go to the Fair and then goes M.I.A.

Okay really... I'm seeing a lot of things wrong with this sentence.

Are you serious? PAUL, our criminally insane patient, who has a rap sheet a mile long of trying to escape from Eastern State Hospital. Found himself today with the prefect opportunity to make his freedom a dream come true. Today, dear Paul, who by the way killed a 78 year old lade in 1987, found himself in the middle of the county fair. Where by just looking at his picture, I wouldn't be able to pick him out of the crowd at all as a nut job. Serious, someone should be losing their job over this. This is not okay in any way at all!

Plus... If a judge sends you to an institute because your a danger to society. Why in the world are you at in Public, exspecially in a Fair. I hope and pray no one gets hurt over someone's lack of responsibility or good judgement!

What Do We Really Believe?!?!?!

With each year of schooling, I find myself questioning a lot of the things I think and do. I find myself morphing into a person that is not the same girl that first thought about college. I am not that cute-little-happy-go-lucky-girl that thought she ruled the world. I find myself looking in the mirror more frequently trying to understand life and "our" purpose. Why are we here? What in the world is the point of this little time we spend on earth? It has to be more than just something of a flute -AKA- The Big Bang. Then we as a society have to be more than just people that destroy the world around us? Aren't we? There has to be more. There just has to be!

Where do I find myself now? In the back row of Mr. Cioffi 300 Core Class wondering, is what we as Christians think about "our purpose" really true? Are we based on principles that come out of the bible or just blue prints of past theologians and philosophers ideas of the "way of life"? Are we really following the true meaning of loving God, our savior or someones idea of what they think it means to be Christian. I don't know anymore! I read my bible. I study the verses and I try my best to decipher what God is trying to tell me but I always find myself questioning the realness of my answers or thoughts. Could a God that made me in His image, make me also bad? I mean, I do sin. I do find moments in life where I don't really act "poster board Christian". Actually to be really real, I'm so Christina that I don't have a single Christian friend. When my life goes crazy, it's not my church that calls to see how things are going? It's not the small group leaders? Actually no one from the "church family" even gives a thought to their followers true needs. SO If I am a part of a "family" that supposedly loves one another like brothers, why is that we treat each others like strangers?

Then to even go deeper with my confusion lately, I find it hard to learn that a lot of the things that we the Christian believe is true. Come from guys that weren't Christians at all. Actually their idea of what God was, was nothing more than some Divine Being of Ultimate Good or the Unmoved Mover. Aristotle and Plato, two guys that were born about 500 years before Jesus. Two guys whose ideas still form huge debates in college class room. Two guys who went down in history as "true Philosophers" about life. The funny thing, neither of them really believed in God as God.

Plato, student of Socrates, believed that we the humans needing to over come the physical world around us. In doing this, one must become one with the "NESS" of everything. Yes, you read that right! If you wanted to understand a chair... You had to understand that the chair here on earth wasn't real. In fact, not only was it not real, but it was just a stepping stone for a person to make it to the eternal realm. Where the Ultimate Chair-Ness Form was waiting our revelation. NICE!?!?!? (totally sarcastic) Basically Plato believed that we all lived in a cave of wonder, which wasn't real at all. It was nothing more than shadows of the real-"ness" in the eternal. Now there are some interesting facts here, think about what Christians are told about the life here on earth. It's nothing more than the "short" life. It's the one where we come to value the creation that God created. In learning more about this world, we also learnt that we should not store our treasures here on earth but in heaven. Hmmmm... sounding familiar?!?!? Oh yeah, the best part... Plato believed that we came hard wired with everything we will ever learn here on earth. We just need things/physical world to stimulate those ideas out of us. This all worked till I asked Mr. Coiffi about our grades. I mean if this is true, we the students already know everything that is in our philosophy book and what my teacher is teaching us. Our grades are nothing to us... Our grades are really his grades. There grades that reflect his ability to stimulate that information out of us, the students because we're hard-wired with philosophy. Mr. Coiffi... just chuckled and made mention his interest to read my reading responses because they should be good (oops:)

Now Aristotle believed that some of what Plato believed was true; however, if someone wanted to learn about the chair here on earth. We don't need to go searching in the eternal realm for answers about the chair. We can just test the chair. This is where our Scientific Method of Process comes from. Aristotle basically just believed that God was real but He was more of a "Unmoved Mover". The Guy who started everything off. We the human just really wanted to find Eudaimonia -AKA- Ultimate Happiness. Now in this Ultimate Happiness, we also needed to realize that life is life, sometimes it will suck but if a person does the good for mankind and lives a GOOD life. Then they will find Eudaimonia. Hmmm... this sounds a lot like our Christian 10 commandments and Golden Rule.

So after these two guys come the Church Guys... the Theologians! (suppose to hear some heavenly "Aaaaaaaaa" sound) Imagine it! Give it a moment... Okay moving on! :)

St. Augustine... Here's a guy that believed that we are all fucked because of Sin. We - Humans want to do good but because our "Will" is tainted from Eve and Adam taking that bit of the apple, we can't do good. This guy was the biggest Pessimist that ever lived. The scary part... this guys ideas are the back bone of a lot of churches. Well, after this jolly guy come Thomas Aquinas.. a guy that didn't believe that we were bad. He also didn't believe that Sin made such a huge impact on our ways of life. Instead, Thomas believed that everyone had the ability to choose good because we were made in God's Image. God is Good, so we are Good.

Okay has anyone picked up on anything yet... I have... turns out that as we continue on ward in this crazy thing called life. More Theologians and Philosophers step up with thier ideas about life. In each one of those guy's idea start to depict the bible and/or God as nothing more than a Super Mall. A place where you can do your one stop shopping and get only what you want. If you don't like the Miracles... then ignore those. If you can't stand the singing... Don't sing. Hey, if you don't really want to do anything... It's okay because GOD is nothing more than a thought. It's crazy to watch our society crumbled in front of my eyes in just a maker of weeks as I go through this class. This class has really questioned a lot of my ways of thinking and yes, my ideas of what the church is teaching. The only thing that seem totally real right now, is my time with God. My time where I bring it to Him real. Where I cry, laugh and yes, even sometimes confuss my stupid "ness" (okay, I had too :) I'm really lucky that I do have my faith and know that God is Real.

Another funny thing I find ... Each guy starting with Plato... all used a Pre-them philosopher's idea -AKA- Blue Print of How to Live and just spiced it up a little. They all added their little flavor of ideas behind the meaning of life but none of them ever seemed to get it right because the philosopher in front them believed they had it right and these guys were wrong. So here is my question... Who really has it right? The Church believes with all their heart that they know it, but when you look into the history of the church. There is a lot of not-so-good things in our closet. We have murdered, killed and even in one point in the history... the priest were selling, "Get into Heaven Free Cards" (indulgence) for just the "Right Price!" All of a sudden my star purchase isn't looking all that bad :).

Now whose right, whose wrong? With all these questions, I find wise words of a pretty amazing woman echoing in my head... "You know... If I am wrong for being a Christian and there really isn't any real point to this life here on earth. Crap... I lived a good life. However, if I am right... I would hate to be that person who thought I was wrong because now they have to explain to God how He's not real! I think that would be harder than just trusting Him here on earth!" (Norma LeLacheur... I miss that lady!)

The other day I got a call from Shawn venting....." Christians and their stupid ways of making the simplest task a stupid revival and/or "Saving Clinic". Like there isn't anything in this world that a Christian can't do before checking in with God. Come on, I think God has better things to do then hear about us moving furniture and washing dishes!"

Now at first I wasn't really sure what to say to him. I just listened and kept my mouth shut. I knew that no matter what I could of said, nothing at that moment would of fixed Shawn's moment of anger. After about thirty minutes of some potty orders and a couple no-so-nice-phrases... I learned Shawn's real issue. Shawn had encountered the dogmatic christian.

See... Shawn was asked to help move this girl from his aunt's church. Everyone had worked for a couple hours straight without eatting and drinking. So when the pizzas showed up, Shawn helped himself and started to eat. Well, just a bit or two into the pizza break, Shawn gets lectured on the importance of praying before eatting and how dare he even think to eat before that. Not wanting to make a scene... he stops eatting for respect but then has to wait another 30+ minutes of people going on and on to God about life! Shawn was a hungry man holding his pizza in hand and now... having to wait for every Tom, Dick and Henry to have thier moment on the soap box pray before eatting. Shawn was pissed!

So what is a dogmatic Christian, well let me enlighten you. It's a Christian that takes God and puts him in a box. It's where you think the only place to worship God is in a church. It's thinking the only mission field on earth is outside of your own home, neighborhood, work place and/or country. It's when I get told by a christian that I'm not a true believer because I drink wine and drink beer. It's when you hear about all these rules and regulations needing to be done before you can ever even think God loves you. It's a Christian that is having some control issues.... That's what I think a true dogmatic Christian is.

In my walk with God, I too have been a victim of the dogmatic christian and their crazy ways of telling me how to believe. I too have found myself sometimes slander by the mouth of a fellow christian. Now don't get me wrong, I think there are times where I don't emanate God's true "poster child" follower, I know this. I'm not prefect by far. Funny thing... GOD knows I'm not prefect and he knows that yes... I Will Sin. Any person that even tries to live life without sin, is living in Sin. Your saying that you can live life without God's forgiveness and true understanding of what the cross means. Your taking God's Bible and making that God. God's more than just some words written in the bible. To me, the bible is the blue print to find God and the person you are to be in His eyes.

So with all that said and after a while of thinking and praying... I told Shawn. "You know, no one can force you into believing or tell you how to love God. That is something you work out with the Big Guy... You work out your own relationship and read/study His word for yourself and stop letting other's teach you the bible. That's when you will start to take control over your own walk and that's when I believe God gives you grace. Plus the next time someone forces you to pray before eatting again... stop them and ask, "Where does it say that in the bible?'"

I think a lot of christians start to loose what Jesus taught. I am guilty of that too and it took a phone call from a friend to make me realize, God is more than just rules and regulations. God is love. God is a chioce. God is well... everything we are not... which is prefect!

Love is in the Air... HOW?

Wrote this awhile ago in my dairy... thought it was good enough to post on here!

This morning was quite a relaxing and lazy morning... I started the day off cooking breakfast and reading, "The Shack". After breakfast and a little mommy/Mylah time...I watched Fireproof.

"Always Remember...A woman is like a Rose... You show her love and compassion, she will bloom. If you don't, she'll wilt."

Sitting there on my couch, comfy with the blanket "Santa Barbara" gave me for Christmas and a pint of "Ben and Jerry's". I can't help but realize my love-life could almost be that movie. I was Catherine, a woman so feed-up with trying to love a man, not wanting to love her. I could understand her hatred towards Caleb. Her lack of faith toward love itself. Then halfway through the movie I lumped myself in with those women gossiping behind Catherine's back and telling her to let go. I wanted her marriage to be over and I wanted reality to take effect. The idea of what "we" as society think about marriage... It's nothing more than just a paper. "Till death do us part" Yeah right... it's more like, till I find something better! Then as I sit there really evaluating my attitude and my bitterness, I noticed that Love in English is confusing. We don't understand love because love, the meaning is so lacking!
Think about it... when we say love... what do we mean?

Our Meaning of LOVE

Love "Man I love the Cowboys!"
Love "I just love how those two colors look together."
Love "I love eating at Scrath!"Love "I love you Mommy!"
Love "I will love you till death do us part!"
LOVE "Jesus LOVES you!"

In first century Jew time, when they talked about love... love meant many different things. Actually there were many different kinds of love
Hebrew Word:
Ahab Spontaneous - impulsive love
Hesed Deliberate choice of affection and kindness
Rahan To have compassion - brotherly love (Friendship love)
Greek Words:
Eros Sensual, Erotic, Sexual, Impulsive Love (What Hollywood portrays love to be!)
philia The love you have toward your spouse, children and friends
Agape divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (no one really can understand this love because this love is what Jesus did for us on the cross)

Can you see where the confusion comes into play. Love was such an important thing that it had many different meanings. Love is huge and important to define. Love is not just a word that should be thrown out like it was candy, at a 4th of July parade. It seems like everyone these days takes love for granted because we just don't really grasp what it is. So the next time you tell someone, "I love you!" Really grasp what your saying... because LOVE is something more amazing than just a little four letter word you can hand out. It's GOD's gift to us!!So use it wisely!!!! AND PROTECT YOUR HEART.. that's where love lies!

The lastest Disease... And I caught it!

Tonight I found myself talking with some "new potentials" about life. Mostly it was Christina's way of getting to know the doctors and lets be real... I wanted to know who was single. Well, everything was going honky-dory. We were laughing, having a great old time. I was being cute and working the moves of "incognito" flirt signals. Then this female doctor came into the conversation, NICE ... this is what we call in the single world, a penis blocker (some call it a more vulgar word, but that's not my style)

Well, she joins in the conversation and this is the exact moment where the "fun life stories" talk turned into family and kids strictly (per female doc... argh). So here we all are sharing our family details. Now everyone in the group is married but two of us. When this fact is mentioned/discovered ... Mrs. Penis Blocker...looks at me and says, "SO your one of those!" A little taken back by what she was implying... I asked... "One of those, what?"

Anyone that knows me, knows I'm pretty cool when it comes to people that are judgemental and can typically keep my cool. However this lady, I don't know why.. maybe it was the smug look or the condesending attitude she spoke with but I wanted to slap her. So in anticipation of her response... my other single partner in the group pipes up... "SINGLE" as he looks at me smiling!

I couldn't believe it.. when did singlehood become an epidemic. Then when did single women become something Married women hated. How am I the enemy to married women? Now praying under my breathe and really just trying to look past her arrogant ways. I found myself shaking my head saying, "It's always interesting to me, how married women like you, spend hours worried about me sleeping with your husband and no time worrying about your husband's needs! Maybe if you were more worried about those needs your husband has and less time worried about my skills in the bedroom... You know, I don't think I would be a threat to you because then... you would know... Your shit Rocks! Plus... I have more class then to mess around with a married man."

After saying something like that, everyone knows that you have to exit the conversation very smoothly and confident to keep your coolness and "awe" factor... however being Christina... what do I do... I straight trip on the chair and fall to my face. Totally mortified and knowing everyone was staring at me. I realized God was humbling me right there!!! It was my moment to calm the air. I looked at the married woman stating, "Come on... that sucked as a "cool" exit! AND really? Are you threatened by me?" She laughed but I could tell, she was still mad at me. Hey... I can't always be pleasing and prefect but I TRY!

The Penis Stratching Post... ME?

This Friday, I spent an amazing night with Jenn tearing up downtown Spokane and then... Goodtymes. Now while we were downtown, we ran into a lot of people that I knew or had known. Jenn, of course ran into one or two men not sure how to handle her. Guys around my sexy Jenn, get a little funny. They get bashful and shy and loose every sense of coolness they thought they had. Jenn... she loves it. Actually I think her sexy goes up a couple more notches with each guy that blushes just looking at her; however, Saturday Jenn met a challenge.

So here we are at O'Doherty's, drinking, laughing and having a gay old time. Mostly "the Jenn" was making little jokes about my attraction to older men or as Jenn likes to say it... "Older Meat!" Well, as we were sitting there, I notice this young guy sitting next to me. He was almost in tears and making this horrid noise after each sip of his drink. Now looking at his drinking in front of him, to the untrained eye (or mine), it looked like some girlie poofy drink. The guy informed me that I was way wrong. It had 7 different hard liqours (Jamenson being one) and a splash of cranberry for color. It sounded nasty... Jenn noticing an opportunity to flirt a little. She jumps on board and uses me as a telephone line to her newest victum. Poor guy didn't know what hit him.... Well, after about 15 lines back and forth... all through christina the newest form of telephoning. The guy found himself blushing, giggling and really lost for words. The Jenn had won and the guy left smiling but reluctant to let Jenn out of his sight. It was funny.

We left O'Doherty's after a few drinks and went to Jimmy'z for a little dancing. Jimmy'z was packed and the bouncer wouldn't let people in. He was hand picking people from the line that he found "worthy". Five people where chosen when Jenn and me got there and we were one of the selected five. Made some people not so happy, seeing they had been waiting for a who knows how long. However, after coming to the conclusion that being pushed, touched and grabbed in "unaccidental" ways from strangers... we decided that Goodtymes would be our next hot spot.

Now when we drive out to Goodtymes, we laugh because we both know that right when we hit the door, we'll hear some flashback to some 80s one-hit wonder song. Even though we know this, we both also know that Goodtymes is always good for a "good time"; however, this time, Goodtymes didn't have a band playing. Actually Goodtymes wasn't the bar we both use to remember. It was full of people dancing to a DJ playing some HipHop song that was recent. Now... I didn't know the song, but Jenn did. So we made a bee line to the floor after getting another drink. Here we are... dancing, laughing and just having a blast. Now some how I was giving off the vibe that I wanted a partner and this very good looking black guy come up behind me. At that moment, I didn't realize it but this guy had the idea of making me "the Penis Stratching Post".

Now a couple of you might be asking... "Christina, what is a Penis Stratching Post?"

Well, glad you asked... let me enlighten you...

It's when a guy comes up behind a girl and rubs his "member" all up on your booty. It almost reminds me of a bear when they use a tree to stratch their backs. It's like these guys forgot the proper way of cleansing themselves and now have an itch they need help getting at. Then for some crazy reason... I look around the bar and realize that "we" (the girls) are competing against each other for just the chance to be a "Penis Stratching Post". ohhh.. if only those women that fought for women rights, would of seen us NOW... "We" would have done them proud! (sarcasm to the fullest!)

I am standing my ground from here on out... I will No longer Be or Accept the role as some stranger's "Penis Stratching Post"; however, if he's my man... I'd better be the only Stratching Post in his life and you better believe, I'll be the best "Penis Stratching Post" he ever had!

Side Note: Last night at Sushi with Jenn,

CHRISTINA: "Why do you think we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts'?"

JENN: "Want to hear something deep? It's because we allow ourselves to be "Penis Stratching Posts"!

I love that girl!

Staying Bold but I feel Meek.

Have you ever just felt like you hit a wall in life? Like somewhere back in the last few steps on this road of life... You fucked up somewhere and took a wrong turn. (yes... I just typed an unchristian word but that's the only word coming to my mind to explain my situation!!! DEAL... I'm a christian with a potty mouth! God still loves me!!! )

That's my life right now.

God and me... we are fighting on a regular schedule. Then the fights... it's all on some of the most stupidest shit. I get mad because of the rain, my patients are mean, the sun is out but it's colder then heck... and yes... once I got mad over the garbage... That was maybe my lowest moment in "debating history" !

The thing that gets me........I bring everything to God's feet but for some crazy and stupid reason, I don't leave my issues there for God to deal with and let the stuff rest there at his feet. I seem to just bring my problems to God like it's show-and-tell time for ME and once the show is over... Off I go, with all my issues in hand. This is not GOOD!

Why is it, that as humans being we are always looking for something or wanting to stay in control of everything. It's like we are all playing this huge scavenger hunt for "life's happy ending" but no one seems to be winning but those that.... Well, I haven't really found or heard of too many people now-a-days stating thier winning! That's not Good Either.

Now as I rethink about every bible chapter I've read in the bible, each class I've taken on biblical teachings and every sermon preached on Sunday... that I've attended ;) ... they all say the same thing... God is the answer and He will be everything "WE" are not. So when does that come into play? I pray. I worship. I get my butt in the word. I volunteer. I feed the poor and love of the unloved. I believe God is my ultimate provider, healer, the Lord of My life and YES the Lover of my soul... So WHY do I feel so left alone right now.

In the last year, I've gone through a couple of relationships. With every relationship, I've lost a little bit of myself but also learned a little more about myself and became more resilient to people's B.S. On the other hand each guy had a huge toll on my life.

Stephen... I will always love that man and will forever think, what if?

Andy... Not sure how to feel about that one... Mad, Happy, Thankful... yeah, not sure how a lie can be good but I think God used a man's ugly lies to bring me closer to Jesus and what my life means to God. Making me realize that in life, God will be my ultimate Lover of my soul. So I am thankful for that new awareness of love but the roller coaster ride and all the time I wasted, I'm still mad, pissed, angry and yes... even sad. It's interesting how fast love can turn into hate... like there is this little tight rope between the two and I've fallen into hate. My mother was right... to hate someone, does take more time... then to just not care. I can't wait for God and me to work this one out.

Then finally Aaron, my best friend of ten years... what an amazing man but I just can't do it. I don't know why? Maybe I am selfish with my time now due to Andy. I spent so many hours talking and thinking about Andy, that I lost precious moments in my own life and it effected my duaghter too. Now, I seem to ration out my time, in fear that I will be taken over again by some amazing story teller, with a fabulous gift of charm. ahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know anymore!

What I do know... God wants me to reconnect with Him. Find my way back to actually letting go of those issues I bring up in my little "show and tell" shows with God. I need to find my way back to being that child like christian... the one that knew with all my heart, "God's got this!" When I finally get back to that moment in time again, and let God do God-Work in me and through me... That's when I think I'll find my way back to where I need to be... RIGHT AT GOD'S FEET waiting to hear about His next work He needs me to do in His glory!

God is good! I'm just His terrible Two child that has to always test my boundaries. WHY? The question I think God will ask me when we meet.

On a side note... Thank you to Jenn and Nicole... We guys have been so amazing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you both in my life! I Love you BOTH!

Men... Toys or Soul Mates!

Tonight was the annual... yeah... annual isn't the right word... It was Girls Night.This happens more enough then just once a year... so let's just call it GIRLS NIGHT! Basically a couple of my sexy friends get together and love on each other like crazy. We reconnect and even sometimes, boost each other up from a nasty break up or bad boyfriend issues. What ever the occasion is for us to get together... I live for these moments with my girlfriends.

Personally speaking, God sent me some awesome women in my life. Each one is amazing and each one is totally a man's dream come true but for some crazy reason, most of them don't find that Mr. Prince Charming. Most of my friends... convince themselves that they are okay with being alone and they are okay with guys stepping all over them. Most of them tell me in a very convincing manner and yet, not really that convincing ... "I'm okay with knowing I'm single!"

Me on the other... I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with a guy not realizing how amazing my friends are and how lucky these guys are to have my friend's in their life. I'm not okay with my girls thinking that it's okay to be that "strong" to not need a man. It's not... none of that is okay. Women were made for companionship. God made us from man's rib bone because every other animal that was already made from the earth... didn't fit right next to man... SO God knew the only thing that would fit next to man, was something made from man. We were made to be the companion to men, which in turn means... somewhere out there, some man is missing a rib bone and that rib bone is in one of my amazing friends!

I just wish sometimes, my friends would really grasp how amazing "WE" are. We weren't made of this earth! We weren't made first, so that just means that all the flaws God made in man... were fixed in us. We continue life.. We are the glue to the each and every family we are part of and I don't care what society tries to make us believe about ourselves... We are more then just pretty faces, small waist sizes and most of all... we are so much more in God's eyes! When God created us... He created Man's better half! Embrace that and realize... You matter as a woman!

Another thing... No man can love you unless he knows Jesus/God because God is LOVE! It's that simple... if the guy tells you he loves you... Stop him and ask him how his walk is. That will tell you what that love is he has for you!

This morning in church... pastor Vaughn asked..."If we were to ask your friends whether or not your needy, what would they say?" Instantly I thought, I am far from needy. When in fact... I am one of those people that does need help from people. I'm a single mom, going to school full time, working full time and some how I find time to volunteer too, so I need the help of others in my life. My pride sometimes really gets in the way of asking but I have amazing family and friends who realize my need before I do. So they jump in before I need to ask. Thank you guys.

Anyways... as Pastor Vaughn continues on with his sermon, some little voice in me starts to speak... starts to scream... finally gets so loud in my head, that I had no choice but to listen.... "Christina... Vaughns talking to you... He's speaking about your need for a relationship." WOW... I felt stupid because honestly... it's true. I want a man to love me and for me to love him the same way. I want a man here at home when I get off, to rub my back and tell me.. "Christina, you can do it again tomorrow, I believe in you." I want a man in my life, to make me feel... well... AMAZING. I wanted it so bad, that I got trapped into what my friends are calling, "A Myspace Fairytale".

It's the worst feeling in the world to let another person so close to your most inner secrets and life, to only have them walk away without any real answers. Most of the time now, I spend trying to explain the whole dang Andy Love to myself and others. Trying to find out why I got so hang up. Why I got so trapped into something of a fairytale and why in the world did I really start to believe all the lies. Why didn't I see it all for what it was, a moment in time with a man that I was never going to have. I mean God told me throughout the whole relationship, it's time to let go... it's time for you to move on... What would of happened had I actually listened. Would I be in this situation now, in another relationship... questioning my own feelings. My own needs... I don't know but what I do know...

Today Vaughn expressed why we as Humans are so messed up. We're Americans... which in turn means... we're selfish. Instead of going into relationships with the right frame of mind (meaning with compassion and love like Jesus). We typically find ourselves in relationships or situations because of what we can get out of it. My relationship with Andy... Amazing and I still love him, even with all the BS he put me through. When I look at that relationship fully, I start to realize I was being selfish... I wanted Andy... or the essence of ANDY... the picture perfect man I made him out to be... I wanted that. Otherwise known as My SuperMan. Funny thing, Andy was never what I thought he was. Andy was still human, he was like me... imperfect but I tried to make him more for my own selfish gains. Now the crazy thing and the thing that just eats away at me...

Almost 10 months... a relationship with it's ups and it's downs but mostly an amazing relationship. Completely diminished into nothing... there nothing left of the last 10 months but questions and feelings of anger, sadness and most of all loss. That's sad and totally not biblical at all. So I had to ask myself today in church, was my need for this amazing man so well known to the world... that I made myself vulnerable. Easy Prey... Starting to think that I did...

God being amazing stopped me in this downward spiral into feeling helpless and depressed and reminded me...

"Christina... I will always be that husband to you that I know you need. Let me be what you think you need."

To be that loved by God, even though I sometimes suck and really question that love God has for me, makes me realize that God let me go through the last few months just so I would come to terms with the fact, that I do need! I need someone to love me and help me through this crazy thing called life. That person I need, is God and through Him... He will find me my future spouse. My focus in life should be on God and His needs for my life because when I let my worldly needs over take my heavenly needs. I will no doubt end up in a temporary fix or A Myspace Fairytale!

The Ocean of Love

When you think about the ocean... you think fish, surfers, seagulls... For me... I think waves and sounds. I think amazing power and freedom. The ocean is the one thing man will never conquer. We will never be able to tell the ocean what to do and even though, Walt Disney glorified King Triton in Little Mermaid as the ruler of the sea. Everyone knows... the ocean is always in control of its own actions. So when Pastor Vaughn told us in our Get Bit class to go and become one with the ocean. The ocean represented God's Love for us.

I still found it hard to let go. The idea of swimming out into nothing, not knowing where I was going or how far I would actually be able to make it before taking on water, basically... I didn't want to give up my control of the circumstances (my life). I didn't want to let myself be over taken by this vast body of water. I didn't want to be become one with the ocean, which is so weird for me to admit because I love God. I want to be one of His children and I know that I am... so why in the world would it be so hard for me to just let go and accept the fact that I am in HIS LOVE. I don't know but today... God being totally amazing... gave me the sermon on this.

See... every time I would go out into the ocean, I was going out there to get away from the world. To be freed of the million titles that I have here on earth. To be freed of the expectations everyone and their mom has on me. I wasn't going out there because I wanted to be one of God, but to be hidden from the world. God stopped me though... I was going to Him in the wrong manner. I was going to Him with the Goal of freeing myself of duties.

When Jesus spoke in His short ministry, he talked about Serving and Loving. Those two things are the heart of Jesus. Those two things was what I was running from. Lately, I am guilty of doing work because I know it has to be done. I'm one of those people that if I see a need, I will jump on it. I won't ask who suppose to do this or if someone is planning on doing this... I just do it. That's what gets the job done and we can move on to something else. In that train of thought of mine, just get it done....No glory in that moment is given to God at all but in fairness, I don't ask for glory either. I just want to get the job done.

My issue, I seem to limit God on His works. I think the little mundane things here on earth, like house chorus or doing the laundry... are things God can't use. When in fact, those are moments He works on me. I need to learn that even in the times where I seem to be doing nothing in my mind... I am doing for God. This is my purpose here on earth.

I'm Right HERE... I'll never leave you!

Get BIT... Pastor Vaughn Bible Intensive Teachings. This months Get Bit... Marriage.

Now when I signed up, I was happily involved with Andy. I wanted to learn how to be that amazing Christian wife to Andy. We were talking about marriage and even daydreaming about how amazing it would be, to actually have that 1950s "Leave to Beaver" family. We both really thought that our relationship was from God. This was it... this was the real thing and we both prayed very diligently about it. So when Andy wrote after his mom died, that he wasn't coming back to Spokane and needed to be with his father in Idaho. My little world... the one I had created in my head, came falling down all around me. I felt lost and not really sure what to do or say. It was the worst feeling in the world. I found myself crying in the worst awkward moments and watched my smile, slowly disappear off my face. It was like I was shriveling up all possibilities of Love, Joy and Happiness in my life.

Now being Christina... what do I do... I pull away from any emotional reminders. I hide all feelings of being hurt and make myself so busy that actually having to stop to think. Was not really an option. This being the reason why all my prayers have seemed like quick stops on a road trip. I go to God with so many questions, that by the time my "Prayer stop-watch" goes off... There was no time to reflect. I was off the Big Guy's Couch before He could really get a word in.

Well Pastor Vaughn being totally a gift from God in my life, starts the class off with, "So you might not like this Get Bit because we aren't having any small group chats and I won't be teaching you everything... most of the time here, in this Get Bit... You will be spending it with God in prayer."

"WHAT?!?!?!?" This was the last thing I wanted to do... instantly, my eyes had to have shown all my fear and my palms started to sweat. I didn't want to go into prayer... I didn't want to sit in a corner and talk with God... I wanted to be in my little world of busyness and just forget about these last few days. Just act like they never happened. I wanted to wait to pray till I, ME, and MYSELF was ready to talk. So as Pastor Vaughn talks about marriage, my mind is distracted of what I am going to say to God or how I am going to explain all my actions lately. I wasn't focused at all. Even in the book where we were suppose to answer questions about marriage... I found my notebook being filled with all those questions of doubt I have about LOVE and not a single answer to those important questions. It seemed that my only interest was trying to disprove this thing called marriage and prove to myself... I wasn't made for it.

Which is crazy I know.... But that's was what I was doing.

Now Pastor Vaughn is totally emphasizes over and over again... Women... we were made for man to marry. Our whole being here on life, was to be married and to be joined with a man. Woman in Hebrew is Ish-shah (ee-SHAH), which also means wife. So when they were translating the bible from Hebrew to English, the scribes had to decide throughout the bible whether to write woman or wife. Basically in English or Christina terms WOMAN = WIFE! That's it... And that was something I was really fighting with.

Fast Forward....The last 30 minutes of class, Pastor Vaughn wanted us to do some concentrated prayer. Basically... mix Yoga, with some breathing techniques and emptying of your mind of any crazy thought or thoughts in my case... And there in the middle of this relaxed moment... you sit down with the Big Guy and LISTEN! No talking, no praying for wants, needs or Questions... just listening... Chillin' with the Big Guy... Muted. Yeah... I've never done this and to tell you the truth... I didn't think there was any way to turn my mind off. Heck, trying to sleep the last few nights has been Hell (it's a biblical word) because I can't stop thinking.

Well, after a quick pee break... I find myself upstairs in a pew. There are other people throughout the church and everyone seems to have found their comfort position to pray. Me... I can't get comfy. My phone seems to bother me in my pocket. Then my keys... then it didn't matter how I laid my head on the pew seat... nothing seemed to really make me relax. I was so tense and on the verge of giving up, when I saw Manito Park in my mind. I actually saw the little butterfly garden they have up there and this little bench. Then on the bench... sat Jesus. It was interesting because I am a sucker for details, but for the first time in my life... I didn't care about the details. I didn't really care what His face looked like and didn't even notice the clothes... all I know, was He was Jesus and I was sitting next Him. Now don't get me wrong... it was hard keeping that image in my mind, without other thoughts trying to over take mind but when I was able to grasp it for a couple of minutes here and there. It was amazing.

The funny thing... I didn't say anything. Not one word... I just sat there, laying on His shoulder crying. We didn't say anything or look at each other face or hug or do really anything I thought I would do when I first saw Jesus. We just sat there... and he said in a very calm and low voice, "Be still and know that I am God. I am right here and I will never Leave you."

I started crying and to tell you the truth... I'm crying right now... because those were the exact words I needed to hear. I've been beating myself up lately thinking, I really tried to convince myself the last few days, maybe I'm not made for LOVE. Maybe God didn't make me a partner. Maybe just Maybe... I'm suppose to always be alone but tonight hearing him say... "Be still and know that I am GOD. I am right here and I will never leave you." Made me realize, God hears my cries. God knows my pain and with me being a total mess, Jesus lets me know... This mess what my mother calls, Christina, will always be HIS and I am special to HIM.

So like I love my daughter and "TRY" my darndest to grant Mylah every heart's desire. GOD "DOES" grant mine but it's all in HIS plan because He is GOD and not me!" It's Him time. Tonight... I started the class scared but left feeling loved for the first time in a couple of days.

The Bubbles of Jesus.

Class was awesome... the presentations ranged from being totally cool to... "is their five minutes up, yet!"

One guy explained Jesus and bubbles together... totally blown away by his presentation and found it interesting. Basically every bubble ever made, tries to be a prefect sphere and looks like one to the untrained eye. In reality, the bubble isn't a sphere at all, what we see is water and soap "trying" to make a perfect circle. Even when you wave it around and the bubble jiggles, it still goes back to it's original form, the "look-a-like" sphere. All in All, the bubbles represented us... the Christians trying to fulfill the "I Am's" found in The Sermon on the Mount. No matter how hard we try... we'll never be prefect. So only by the Grace of God can we really be saved.

It was really good presentation. Actually this guy (I don't know his name... I call him "Hun"... this where my pet names get me in trouble) He works with bubbles and will trying to break the World Gensis record here in a couple of weeks by making theBiggest Bubble. He invited me to go and see. I think Mylah will love this.

Then Darin... My country Hill-Billy Jock... I totally dig this guy and he makes me laugh. Actually if it wasn't for Darin and Art... I don't think this class would of been as much fun. These guys are a riot. Anyways... Darin got up and said something that just talked wonders into my life. He gave his testimony about his relationship with his dad and how it wasn't that great but was now facing the reality that his dad only has a couple days... weeks... months to live. So Darin asked out loud to the class, (A) do I keep this locked up emotions I hold against my dad forever until he apologizes or (B) buck it up, hash it out and move on with his to make more amazing memories before dad passes on? Before anyone could answer...Darin told the class that he dealt with issues with dad and that he learned from this moment... That keeping tension - anger - issues locked up in your soul... is like poison to your "amazing and loving" memories you hold for that person. With each day you hate that person and each day you hold anger towards them... you lose one more amazing memory you shared and kept close to your heart.

Even though Darin... felt a little ridicules about sharing his testimony with a bunch of people he didn't know. I told him, you know... "I think God just used you to talk to a lot of people in this room. Being real and showing your "human" side talks more wonders to people then reciting any research scholars key terms."

Then my presentation... I got my paper done one hour before heading into class and the amazing Steven from Santa Barbara, who I owe BIG... proofread it for me so I felt confident with my topic and paper. Thank you, Stephen .

Anyways...

I got up there and rocked... talked about prayer, gave my testimony about Andy and his family's involvement in my life. Then shared my deepest secrets and sins with the class. Even though they laughed a lot because I can't seem to take humor out of anything I do... after I got done. I realized that my whole class, even Art was looking at me and comprehending what I was saying. I actually talked with confidence and knew my topic inside and out. You know how I know this... it was when heard my teacher in the back go... "hmmmm, never thought of that!"

That was awesome and made me think I would really like to be a speaker someday like Joyce Meyers or one of those preaching types! Maybe that's my calling, who knows... only time will tell.

One last thing that was brought to my attention... the resurrection... It's real... how do I know this... Had Jesus really not risen from the dead and it was a figment of everyone's imagination. Don't you think the Romans would of just paraded Jesus' dead corpse down the city center and crushed all rumors. That to me... was something that made me got... WOW, I never thought of that!

With everything going on in this little girl's life, that child of mine still finds away to make me smile and laugh about life. Today though, she taught me that even in the worst moments in life... like getting your blood drawn for the millionth time... you still find a moment to smile. You still worry about the people around you and not yourself. I love that kid.

Anyways... as we were getting her blood drawn... Mylah kept telling me, "Mommy... I'm giving blood!" Now in her little mind, she just thinks she is giving again but the reality of what was about to happen. That didn't sink in till we got to the back...when she saw all the needles and tubes. Now the idea of giving changed real quick... She wasn't too qeen anymore about giving her blood anymore. Well, right before the lady sticks her... Mylah looks at me and says... "I need M&Ms after this!" I laughed about inside... I was dying.

To watch your child suffer and see them cry... it's the worst feeling in the world. My daughter the last few days has been in so much pain and there is nothing I can do but tell her I love her and massage her tummy. I hate feeling helpless and right now in life... I feel like everything is falling apart around me. I don't know what to do but when I watch my princess, "thank" the lady who just poked her with a needle. I learned real quick from that pint-size verision of me... Even in the moments where life sucks... There is always something to be thankful for. Funny I would learn that from a three year old.

I love her and Thank God for her everyday!

So the last few days for been a little bit of a Numbing Experience... Actually the last few months have. I've found myself on a roller coaster that had amazing ups and downs but no matter how fast or slow this roller coaster went... it always brought me closer to the Lord. It always brought me to my knees praying longer and more intense. I believe in prayer and think that it's the most amazing thing in the world. I think it can cure Cancer, a dying child or move mountains... but today I got hit with what my prayer life was really about. It's about faith.

None of those things would happen because I got on my knees and prayed to THE all knowing and all powerful God. No... they happen because I know God CAN DO IT. He's more powerful than Cancer. He's more amazing than any medicine a doctor can use on a dying child... In truth... God is above anything this world can toss a person BUT ONLY... if you have faith.

So now I find myself questioning my faith. Finding it hard to really get down on my knees and pray to God or even thank him right now. I'm mad at Him. I'm pissed and in all fairness, I find myself just asking... "Dude, Did I lose some Lotto for Bad Luck?" I guess my other issue is this... I know God knows what is going on in my life and I know He knows about my pain. So why should I remind Him of it?

Well, I think prayer is typically a person's self evaluation moment they have with the Big Guy. The time in the day, where they hand God all their most intimate needs, wants and desires... even sometimes.. I confess all my crazy sin. Mostly though... prayer is my time on the BIG GUY's Couch. Where He has his tablet ready and is just wanting to know my voice. It's my time to really stop and look at life for what it really is... I mean you can't really lie to the BIG GUY... He knows everything so what's the point lying or being fake with Him!

So my predicament with writing a paper with prayer... how do I write about prayer, when right now... I'm scared to pray because I don't want to admit the last few days happened. I don't want to sit down and relive every word, moment and scary test ever again... I just want to move on... What do you do? How do you write about something you are finding so hard for yourself to do? I don't know but last night, when I asked where I could purchase a Easy Button for life... Perez... being totally amazing and a great friend... Emails me a little note... A little reminder... A little "Hey... Your still GOD'S"... All his email said..."Job... that my easy button!"

As I really stop and think about it now and really comprehend what Perez was trying to share with me. The more I realize... He was so right. Even when life seems to hand you a Crap load of Lemons... It doesn't do you and your faith any good to have a pitty-fest. You grab those lemons and make the best dang lemonade your tongue has ever tasted. (I know cheese )So tomorrow.. when I am in front of my class, trying to teach about Jesus and Prayer... I will have to stop and moment before getting up there and remind myself... NO matter what... when its all said and done... I'm still God's Terrible Two Child. I'm still his daughter, which He will look down on and sometimes think... "Man... She just needs a hug right now!" If only life could be that easy.

**NEW FLASH** I'm Ugly!

Today... class, hmm what to say but "What the Fudge Cycles" are we "the christian" coming too.

I was presented different ways of how people interpreted Jesus' "Death and Resurrection" I never really thought about how many different ways there where of actually seeing this moment in time, but there are. Now with each different point of view, there also seems to be people standing right there in the way, protesting. So in a class of about 28 people, totally amped on Starbucks' coffee and fast food from Jack in the Crack, there seemed to be line that separated the group into many other different groups. It wasn't hard for this class to accept that Christ lived but to say He actually died and then came back to life again. That my friends.... was what broke the camels back in my class today. What go me and I found almost humorous...was the fact that just on Weds, we were talking about God bring back Lazarus and those other two people back from death. With those miracles, it didn't really make a difference or spark any kind of interest to really debate the facts. It happened... we all agree but the second Jesus, the Son of Man did this... That was a different story.

WHY? That's all I could think of during the debate.

So my teacher, who has a doctrine and I think loves these moments where we the pupils become more than just empty souls in a seat doing our time. He breaks us up into groups. My group... once again... interesting mix of life and beliefs. I got the high school jock, which I have to say is very beautiful specimen of manhood to look at. He is also my neighbor during class, so we already know about where we both stand on God and Jesus. Then I have Bob, again... Love Bob... He's just so funny. Then there are two other women, the over-churched Catholic, who converted to who knows what religion but she has seen the light. Now she feels this need to save every person under the sun, due to her own quota she has made herself. Or as one of my good friend Shawna would say, She only needs that one more soul and she gets that toaster oven. Now I know that is bad to say and I will get a lot of slack for saying that but really... This lady and me... We went toe to toe today. Today...for the first time ever in my life, I spoke up against another believer. I told her she was wrong. Typically this is not something I do because of my lack of knowledge of the bible, plus I also feel threatened and intimidated by other Christians. I always think... "Oh man, if they only know who I was" **BIG SIGH** So today... me standing up... it gave me a little bit of empowering moment. A little bit of a "wait" God can use me.

So what happened... this might be the question entering your head... Let me enlighten you on Christina's, "hey... I don't suck that bad" moment.

Here we are in the group given two questions, what do you think the resurrection is and is it still important today? Now when I first read this, I thought, "heck yeah!" The resurrection in my mind displays what it means to be a follower of Christ. You must die to the world but become one in Jesus. Now I may not saying, go out and kill yourself in God's name but the idea is this... Basically don't get so wrapped up in the world around you, meaning worldly treasures and gossip but instead keep your eye on the prize, which is Christ. I also believe the resurrection shows the world, that even though Jesus may have died on the cross, Jesus overcame death. In short, God overcame Satan. Satan's hold on us is death. Satan brought death to us when he persuaded Eve and Adam to eat from the tree. So Jesus came to reverse what Satan had done in the Garden of Eden. So to me... the resurrection needed to happen in order for us to have a chance at eternal life with God. Then lastly... I believe the resurrection proved that everything in Jesus' ministry was "The Truth." It was the last "Stamp of Approval" needed for anyone that was on the fence about who Jesus was.

So here we go into this debate, we all share and of course, Darin... Man I love this guy. He goes into one of his stories... Darin, he's only 25 but he reminds me of an old man reminiscing about his younger years. Now Darin gives his thoughts and raises up the question, do you think our world would be different had Jesus not come back? Would we even be in this class? Do you think Jesus would of even been remembered? WOW... I was dumbfounded because those thoughts never crossed my mind. I mean Jesus never coming back from the dead... this just didn't even seem likely in the way I was taught. Actually the more I sat there really just ingesting those thoughts, I realized that everyone of us in this classroom, in little old Spokane, could agree only agree on one thing. That thing... Jesus... We all believe Jesus lived. We all believe that He did miracles and as a group we all believe He was hung in Jerusalem but no matter what, we all had different thoughts about Jesus' resurrection. Darin basically was asking, Why is the resurrection important and why so many different beliefs and religions?

Now my thoughts about religion are different from many people's... I don't really think there is one true religion, actually I don't think there is really one! I know bold statement to say but really, when you think back to even the earlier days of Christ time... there were 5 groups of Jews. The Essen, the Pharisees, The Sadducee's, the Scribes and I can't remember the last one... Now with each group comes different religion/rules to live by. Now let's fast forward to today... The Sadducee's disappeared right after the Temple was destroyed 70AD. This group was so wrapped up in the temple and what it represented... that once the temple was destroyed. Peace OUT Sadducee's. Now the rest of the groups, I'm not a 100% if there all gone today but I can say one thing I know for sure... Their not doing things like the first century Jew was. Their outlook of the bible changed and with change comes different thoughts of religion. So religion to me, is like my brother shopping in a Super Mall... He goes into the mall with expectations. He has his list and knows exactly what he is in search for before even hitting the lock button on his key chain.

We as a society shop for religion like that. If you don't like the music at a Baptist church because it's too loud and rowdy... you'll find a church which suits your liking. So to me... religion is nothing more than someone's shopping list of things they want Jesus and/or the bible to represent in their life. I share this thought to my group and wow... The reaction I got from the over-church catholic was crazy! She looks at me and says, "Sorry to tell you this, but only through Jesus can you make it to Christ... so it really doesn't matter what's on your shopping list... if you don't believe in Jesus... You aren't going to Heaven." Now I agree with her and don't really rebuke her statement at all but when she started naming off the religions that were heading to Hell. That's when I spoke up. That's when Catholic girl and me... WE WENT TO WAR! Honestly, had it been up to her today and had she had the authority... I think I might of been crucified today. It was nuts... SO after hearing her tell me in more than just one or two scriptures, "how wrong I was in my way of thinking." I stopped her...

"It doesn't really matter what you think your Contribution to this world is or how you spread Jesus' story or what song you sing on Sunday, what makers more than all that... is if God can use you and right now... Your being very Ugly." I walked away before I could really get a rebuttal and honestly... I don't think I was being that pretty either. I am grateful for this moment today, it made me stop and think.... "When I am being UGLY... what good am I to God?" I'm not... so even in those moments where I let my temper take over and let my words over take my judgement... I really do need to find a moment to reflect and realize, I'm still God's and if there is something Ugly in my past, meaning a fight, a sin or anything... I need to make it right. I need to come forth and admit... "Hey, I was being Ugly here and I'm sorry!" Hmmm.... as I think about this more... the more I realize... there are a lot of ugly areas in my life that I need to address and a lot of moments where I need to let GOD take over. It's so nice to know, that where I lack "Beauty", God can come in and make it Right.

Interesting to think... this all started by just asking a question.

My little Gabby Moment.

So let's break it down...

In about 6 hours, I should be waking up to get ready for class.

In about 7 hours, I will be turning in a paper that I have yet to even start.

In about 8 hours, if not less... I will be in a classroom falling asleep probably because I lacked the better judgement of writing my paper and then sleep! NO.... I decided to write a BLOG! What can I say... when my mind starts going... It's off on the ride of ideas that I just have to share with the world.

Things that brought some new insight on my world...

"What makes us human is not our mind but our heart, not our ability to think but our ability to love." Henri Nouwen

When I read this, it brought me back to a NICU room with my friend Tammy. I there to meet beautiful Gabby. Tammy's preemie baby girl born with Gastroschisis, otherwise known as the "inside out baby" disease. At first sight, I found my sympathetic words for grief, over-taking the blessings that should of been coming out of my mouth in my "I'm so happy for you" speech. I found it hard to understand how any mother could feel like this is blessing. I found it hard to understand how Tammy felt. I really felt sorry for both Tammy and Gabby, so much that I found it hard to be around. Sad... I know. However, at Gabby's first birthday... That little girl taught me so much about life. As I sat there watching this amazing family, who just a couple years earlier, found it hard to talk to each other because drugs, fighting and everything else the world sends in to destroy families... This little Gabby, who in the eyes of the world had more disabilities than abilities, brought a family back to life. She saved a mother from herself, a father from himself and a grandmother. This little pint size version of my Tammy, brought me to my knees asking for forgiveness. Gabby became more than those disabilities in my eyes, she became that beautiful little baby every mother would love to have.

In a recent Blog of Tammy's... she wrote

SO, I AM A VERY PROUD MOTHER. MY DAUGHTER IS 26 MONTHS OLD, SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, EVERYTHING GOOD IN LIFE I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT HER. SHE HAS MULTIPLE DISABILITIES BUT SHE IS STILL THE BEST BABY THAT I COULD EVER ASK FOR. SHE IS ALWAYS SO HAPPY AND LAUGHS AT NOTHING OR MAYBE EVERYTHING. MY DAUGHTER HAS TAUGHT ME THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS!!!

Now Tammy and me have been through so much together. When my mom throw me out of my house at 16, Tammy's and her family opened their house to me as a home. We did everything together, from stalking boys ~ to ~ staying at home watching movies. We were the typical "Yogie Bear and Boo Boo" duo. She became the sister I never had and I loved her for the craziness she brought out in me; however, Tammy only stood at a height of 5.2 (she'd say something like 5.2 and 3/4, if you ask her) but even though she was literally almost a foot shorter than me. She's the biggest person I know. She might be 5.2 but in my eyes... she is more like 10 feet tall. I learn so much through her and Gabby.

So when I read that little statement, I couldn't help but go back to that moment... when I myself realized. A person isn't a person because of what they can do or have... a person is a person only by what they can offer the world in joy, happiness and servant hood. That smile on Gabby's face, no money or PhD could not bring as much joy to the world as she does!

I love you Tammy. Give Gabby a kiss for me and thank you.

Did She Just Say That?!?!?

My class... it's been interesting. Actually it's been funny.



See my teacher looks like a Jewish priest and dresses like one too but I think he is Protestant preacher. I don't really know for sure but he is funny. To hear him talk about Jesus is awesome. I can't seem to get enough of Jesus. It's like Jesus is my obsession in life. I really just love hearing, talking and learning all I can about this 2000 year old story. I love it; however, my joy for this class isn't really shared among my peers. Actually at any given time during class, you will find one person nodding off to sleep. Then towards the end of class, about half the class is nodding.



Not me, I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yes I know... Christina is showing her nerdy-ness but I just love this class. In all my other classes: English, math, law, accounting... basically everything else... I'm the head nodder. :) I am the one the teacher is scolding with her eyes to stay wake... for the first time in my life, I am the teacher's pet! I've officially earned my brown-nosing badge of honor.



Towards the end of every class, Mr. Dolan decides to finally throw in the towel with lecturing because half the class is asleep. He puts us in small groups to discuss pretty much everything under the sun that has to do with Jesus. My group... An interesting group! Have one guy who shared the first day of class, the only reason he has any knowledge about the bible.... is due to dating preacher's daughters. (SIDE NOTE: Mr. Dolan... he's a preacher... He has a daughter! Awesome moment when that all came together! Priceless). Then there is Bob... totally funny OLD man. I want to say he is in his 60s, and he relives the 70s almost everyday of his life. He's pretty funny and very random with his thoughts. Then we have two other women, one a very timid, shy soccer mom. She has grown up in the church all her life and it shows! The other lady, totally a kick in the pants... very sweet and out spoken, but is very sweet when she insults you. Example... "Well, that's a nice thought but your wrong!" I really like my group a lot and think that we have a good mesh of people from all walks of life.


So last night our group discussions were about our Philip Yancey Papers. Now Philip Yancey wrote this book called, "The Jesus I never Knew!" I love it. Personally I recommend this book but you can't borrow mine... My copy looks like I went to war on this book with a highlighter and post-it notes. Yes... I know... DORKY! Well when we were given time to talk about this book, you know I was just dying to unleash all my crazy ideas on my peers. Funny thing, I wasn't alone on this thought process. Everyone in the group had pages and pages of things they wanted to share and discuss. Now during these little meetings, a person is not suppose to wear their heart on their sleeve because some feelers will be hurt that way.



SO.... my little timid, shy soccer mom... Yeah..... not so timid! She showed a side of her that shocked the group and let us know... she has boundaries and one was crossed! What was it... the question on weather or not Jesus existed. Did he really live? Was he really the only Son of Man? How can we tell the gospels are reliable, since they were written years after Jesus' was died? Those were just some of the questions that brought out the spark in my little timid mom.



Now personally, I believe the bible. I think its a little hard to discredit the Gospel for a couple of reasons.

• First, you have four different guys telling the same stories but different. Now even though it seems like Matthew, Luke and John had Marks to use as a reference point. Each Gospel still has their own uniqueness to the story. Which to me, says... this is what happened but just from four different perspectives. Now had Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, all said the same story with the same details... that's when I might of questioned the reliability of the Gospels being true.


• Second, this was a very oral culture. Their way of sharing past history was telling stories. The had a knack for telling stories and remembering them perfectly. Plus paper was expensive back then, so when people wanted to learn the bible. They had to go to synagogue and read the bible there. Well, they would memorize a part of the bible to study and share at home. So remembering details... not an issue for this culture.


• Third and this is huge!!! My mom always told me. A lie never goes down in history without being uncovered. A lie never lives that long. The truth though... that can live forever and till this day, the bible is still the number one book being sold. It's in almost every language spoken. To me, that's a huge statement in itself.

With all that being said, a couple of people in my group still found the story of Jesus really hard to believe and take to heart. So a boundary was crossed in my group and we were off on a whirl wind of arguing and bullying ideas on each other. Now with each thought being thrown out, the conversation was getting more heated and hostile. Then it occurred to me, right there in front of me.... was the number one reason why people in Israel are fighting. Right there in front were 4 people educated in business and marketing, finding it hard to share thier feelings without stepping on someone else's toe.

Now I'm not big on forcing anyone into believing. I will share with you my thoughts (hense the blog) and I'll answer questions, but you will not get me fighting or screaming about Jesus, God or the Bible. I think that is very conterproductive and won't get any good results. So I found this little fight, a little funny and I took the seat as the watchful on-looker scoring each person on thier debating skills.

As I watch the talk get heavier and more heated. I heard the one thing that always gets me laughing when I hear a Christian say it. "Well, you believe there is air don't you? Then why don't you believe in Jesus?" Okay.... really... at what point in the Christian religion did this become our last resort argument? When did we start comparing Jesus and his existence to a compound of two oxygen molecules? Right when I hear that... I started laughing. Which brought the whole class' attention on me. OOPS! I couldn't help it, I think it's funny how bad we try to prove something that doesn't need to be proven. God is everywhere, if your blinders are shut to that reality. Their shut. To me... Jesus is real and honestly, it's a little hard to ignore him forever. Believe me I tried. I think that when a person is ready. God will call them finally to Him! That's all that matters. I just need to pray and love on them. That's all I am suppose to do. However... I do still get a chuckle at the oxygen comment as I type this. **LAUGHING** Sometimes... I think we try way too hard to make sense of everything.

Parenthood... Love it or Hate it?

My daughter is the joy of my life. Watching her grow into a toddler has brought out so many different emotions out of me that honestly... trying to sum up one year in a 30 minute conversation... It wouldn't happen. I don't think even a weekend retreat, could even touch on how much one year of Mylah's life, has changed my life daily. The way I think. The things I do. Basically every aspect of my life is centered around that little pint size version of me, with a tan. I love motherhood and wouldn't trade it for anything.

However... I do remember a time, right before I accept my fate of becoming a mother where I was scared. I was totally freaked out. The selfish part of me was scared that I was losing my freedom. Actually with the parenthood... there is this false fear of loosing freedom. I remember Stephen telling me once, "I love you Christina, but I don't know if I can handle being a dad!" That moment in my life, cut me to the core. That little moment in time, that moment in front of a choice, "HIM or Mylah!" Made me realize that being a mother would always come before any of my own self interests. That little girl of mine... she would be my number one. That to me is what parenthood is all about. Your children become the essense of your being. My joy in life... is seeing that little girl smile and laugh. Seeing her master a 100 piece puzzle or doing a silly little dance to the veggie tale song. Watching her grow and knowing that I am parenting to the best of my ability... that is parenting.

At work, I met the other parent. The parent that could careless about her childs cry and hardship. Who found the idea of a doctor visit, a totally unnessary visit even though the child showed totally signs of being deathly ill. As I watched a little child suffer and knew from the bottom of my heart... this could of all been prevented had the parent done normal check-ups with a family doctor. My anger for this parent grew out of control. :(

I just don't understand our society anymore. We are so quick to discard a child because of the strain the child plays on our freedom. We are even quicker to send our parents to retirement communities because we don't know how to talk to them anymore or care for them. What happened to the family values? What happened to parents? Everyday at work has gotten harder and harder but today... it was the hardest because as I sat there with this child, totally hurting and in tears... I watched a parent hush her child so she could watch T.V. What killed me more... was knowing that we were going to be discharging this child back to this "unworthy" parent. Our society has not only gotten to the point where we don't seem to care but hey... if you do care, "here! we'll give you a pill to take the emotion away." ARGH!

It just makes me so mad. There are so many people who want kids but can't. Then I see these parents and think to myself... "Really?!?!? God are you serious?" I just don't understand but I still find myself praying for this family and knowing... God will intervien. He always does... just sometimes... I wish HE worked on my clock.

The Jesus I Never Knew... hmmm

This quarter at Whitworth, I am taking "The life teachings of Jesus" as my biblical lit requirement. I've only been in the class for a week or so but have found myself already thinking, "Wow, Jesus was real?!?!" Now some people reading this might think... "Christina are you serious? Your a Christian, right?!?!" Well, I am a Christian and yes, I have heard in the few years of being a Christian, that Jesus was a real man. However, when you read and study the bible... sometimes it's hard to over look the "magic", "the Umph factor", heck to actually stop and realize that this $70-leather-bond-bible with my name in graved in it... is really just a history book about the past. The bible portrays God as a human in four books, Matthew, Luke, Mark and John. (totally out of order to bother people **SMILES**)

Maybe that is my own issue but I realize in the last few class times, that I put Jesus up in this "Walt Disney, Magical, absolutely amazing, Alpha human" category in my head. It was like Jesus is the Prince Charming in all my childhood princess stories. He was the hero in every Heman, G.I. Joe or any other cartoon series I can think of. Jesus in my eyes was so amazing, so exquisite, so totally real that I found it hard to actually comprehend that he was real. That he actually walked this earth.

The more my teacher puts up pictures of Jerusalem, Israel, and every other ruined, dirty filled city from the time period of Jesus. The more I come to grips with the fact that Jesus was real. The more I come to really grasp how amazing that little history book called the bible is. It's like Jesus went from being some Super Hero in my eyes, to being even more amazing and real. Then it gets me thinking....

When people sit there and question the "realness" of the bible (yes I am guilty of this myself), this history book of real-life soap operas, amazing miracles and little laws about how to love and live. I can't help but think, there is no way anyone could make this up and if they did. Wouldn't they have had Jesus talking to more upstanding citizens, rather than the poor and "common" folk. Wouldn't there be more "warm fuzzy stories" in the bible to appeal to the crowds. Then something else that just got brought to my attention, had someone made up these stories. Jesus wouldn't be talking to any women in the bible. Jesus wouldn't of talked to the woman at the well. Let another woman wash his feet. Let the women be the first to the tomb for Jesus' resurrection. Women wouldn't be in those amazing moments at all. Now I am not saying talking to women is bad (hello I am one **WINK**) but back in the day and still to this day... Women are not regarded as great prizes or worth talking too in that country.

So as I hear my classmates question the bibles facts and why some books were left out. I found this little voice in side that wanted to say... "If Jesus wasn't real and the bible was made up... then what are we looking at in those pictures? What is it about this little piece of sand and dirty property that everyone wants? How is it, that a man that lived 2000 years ago is such a huge topic of subject? Then why is it that we tell time by Jesus' birth? If this man isn't true and the bible is nothing more than a fairy tale.... why are so many people touched by it everyday? Why are we all in this class, spending a arm and leg on this education debating about someone that supposedly didn't live in your mind?" I never said any of that but in my mind... all I could think is, "Man... Jesus is Real!" That just trips me out.

So with every debate that I will have in this class. With every thought that I will bring out of this class. I don't think anything will effect me as much as that moment, when I realized and excepted the fact... Jesus lived here on earth. When that thought becomes real in a person... that's when some of the stories in the bible come alive with more "Umph". That's when Jesus' death becomes more than just that cross around my neck. His pain becomes real and his tears become real. Jesus became someone more than just a story to me this week.

Love... An EMOTION or A DECISION

A couple weeks ago, I was listening to Air1 as I was getting ready for work. Scott, the morning DJ made a statement about Love being a Decision a person takes on. Love was nothing more than a person saying to themselves, "you know I am committing to this __________ (*insert whatever it is that your little heart desires ) till the end." So this got me thinking and asking God a couple of questions.

Love... is it an emotion that people just experience and lose over time or is Love a decision to commit till the end, no matter what? Do people really love each other past the honeymoon stage of a relationship or when they loose those butterflies they get from the other person, do they loose that love? Then if they can lose that love, what keeps couples together past the silver and gold anniversaries? Is it really just a decision they took on? Has love become something so intangible that we have lost what great romantic writers use to write about? My favorite movie, "The Notebook" depicts a love that is above all loves. A love that shines till the end, even through dementia. Basically the movie teaches that LOVE concurs all obstacles in life. So was the movie really depicting an amazing view of what we WISH Love was?

I don't know but it did get thinking though, so what does this girl do... I go right to the Big Man and the Bible. I read up on all the verses that I could find that even mention the word love. In the bible I found Love to be both a decision and emotion. The more I read on it, the more I learned... You really can't have love without both, THE DECISION TO LOVE and THE EMOTION TO LOVE. I think that is why love is so hard to describe. So I started my research right at the beginning and one of the famous verses ever...

‘For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.'

This is an example of LOVE as a decision and a emotion. God loves us so much that He made the decision that HIS SON, was going to pay for my sins. That's one decision I don't know I could ever make as a mother; however, if you look at this verse as an emotion... you see that GOD loves us so much. Emotion according to the webster on-line dictionary is having any kind of strong feelings. Well, think about it... if God didn't have a Strong feeling in us believing in HIM... why would He of sent Jesus to the cross to die such a horrific death? So this to me proves LOVE is both an emotion and a decision.

THEN....

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.



When you read this verse... it doesn't mention anything about the warm fuzzies, the butterflies, the weak knees or in my case... the prima grin I get when I even think of ANDY. So what in the world am I feeling lately... I love Andy, with all my heart and know that God gave me Andy to love. God gave me two amazing little girls to love, Mylah and Maria. God gave me one amazing family and friends to love. Lately... God has been handing me so many people to love, that I am wondering. Love is really more than just a decision and an emotion. Love is having God in your life. LOVE is knowing without a doubt and fear, that GOD is with you. That every person you see on the street, work, school or meet over the Internet... is someone GOD loves. That's someone God sent your way to LOVE. God is LOVE... now I could go through every verse that I read and prove this over and over again but really... it's just that simple. LOVE IS GOD...



1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

LOVE to me is something amazing. Its the one thing in the world that money can't buy, no one can take it away and you never owe on it; however, if your not careful with your Love/ Heart. You can lose more than just your time in that person. You could lose everything that is you, so like Pastor Vaughn tells us every chance he gets. Protect your heart. Protect your LOVE. It's the one part of your body that shows the true you, plus that's GOD's Home in YOU. So like you protect your worldly things with alarms, home security systems and guns... what are you doing to protect the LOVE in you. How do you grow in your LOVE? Then the people that God sends for you to LOVE... do they feel that LOVE? I hope that everyone in my life knows I love them, if don't... I'm Sorry and promise to address that.